(Closed) FMIL difficulty – how to keep her involved but not in the way she wanted…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1616 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

No! That’s not selfish or wrong at all. It is your wedding and it should represent your Fiance and yourself. I would simply say as you have stated… “We have spoken about the cake issue together and have decided to go with out original cake design as we feel it suits the rest of the wedding vision, however we would love your help with …… Instead”. Don’t make it a debate, just let her know what you have decided. Best of luck!

Post # 3
Member
2751 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
windwhisperer11:  I would just tell her you appreciate her trying but that was the cake you both wanted. I would tell her you’ve arranged a caterer to take care of it so she wouldn’t have to stress and could enjoy the day!

Post # 5
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee

Hire a caterer for the cake and try to incorporate her help elsewhere. I like the idea of saying sorry that the cake you wanted (or…cake you ARE HAVING) was too difficult, but is there something else she would like to assist with. I would stay firm on the cake stand and say that unfortunately (depending on how polite you want to be) has already been paid for and you will be using it.

Fruitcake and royal icing sounds awful to me!

Good luck!!

Post # 6
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. She offered to make the cake and agreed to make what you wanted (even with smirks) she’s trashing your idea over the phone to her mother, making excuses as to why it can’t be done and shooting down every suggestion you make.

If I was you I would say something along the lines of – thanks for offering to make our cake, we really appreciate it but as you don’t think it’s going to be possible for you to do what we want, we’ve decided to to have someone else make it to take the stress off of you.

Post # 7
Member
3646 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

As you mentioned, this sets in place the tone of your relationship for the future and it’s important for you two to set boundaries and to have those boundaries respected. You came to a decision on a cake and it’s not for her to undo all of that.

I would go with the caterer (or yourselves if you wanted to make it on your own as before) and get the wedding cake that you two want. As a compromise, I would tell Future Mother-In-Law to go crazy making a groom’s cake. That way she still gets to be involved and still gets to make whatever kind of cake she wants, but the actual wedding cake will be exactly what you want it to be. If that doesn’t sit well with her, then I would just thank her for her offer but tell her the cake style you want is very important to you to so you’re going to go with that. Best of luck. 

Post # 8
Member
556 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, I’d just let her make the cake.  Does it matter that one element of the wedding “doesn’t represent us at all”?  There’s a lot of angst over such a small element of the day.  Give her this, and it’ll keep her occupied.

Honestly, mothers are weird about cake.  We weren’t even going to have one, but they were both outraged.

Post # 9
Member
556 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
MiniMeow:  Just to add, it sounds like the OP is in the UK….. no such thing as a groom cake here.

Post # 10
Member
8373 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

This really is all about control. Despite the fact that your Future Mother-In-Law may have other positive traits, trying to control things that are not under her perview to control is not one of them. 

You and your Fiance have a right to choose the cake that you want, and, if you want, you can still choose to accept FMIL’s cake as a second choice of dessert to offer your guests, similar to how parts of the US choose to have a wedding cake and a groom’s cake.

Simply thank Future Mother-In-Law for all of her planning and efforts on her choice of cake and cakestand, but let her know that you and your Fiance will have a caterer prepare the more complex naked cake, which will be placed on the cake stand that you’ve already arranged with your venue. Then tell her you and Fiance will be sure to have a bit of both cakes and that you know other guests likely will do the same.

It’s possible that your cake will be more popular than hers. If it is, and she has hurt feelings, that is not your responsibility to fix. On the other hand, if more guests end up choosing hers, you may have to hear her say, “I told you so” for a very long time. Either way, she still gets to make a cake for your wedding, and you and your Fiance still can end up with the cake that you desire for your primary wedding cake.

The other alternative would be to tell her that you’ve decided this whole cake idea is just too much work for your Future Mother-In-Law and mother to be bothered with right before the wedding, so you and your Fiance have now made a final decision (emphasizing the word final), and you’ve contracted with a cake vendor (i.e. already ordered from and provided payment to) for a naked cake. Just make sure that you truly have already done so by the time you tell your Future Mother-In-Law this news.

Post # 11
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

There is no way I’d let her make the cake after all this… to me it’s not just a cake, it’s YOUR WEDDING CAKE. My aunt made my wedding cake but she made the exact cake that we wanted… because she knew that it mattered to us.

Your Future Mother-In-Law sounds like my Mother-In-Law… and it will get worse after kids..

Post # 12
Member
3646 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

View original reply
daffodils:  Ah, okay. I didn’t know that. 

In that case, OP, I would hire someone to do the cake you want and tell your Future Mother-In-Law that while you appreciate her offer, you guys have already gone ahead and paid someone to make the cake. Or maybe have a small naked cake for display and for the cake cutting for you two to eat, and then use her cake to serve to the guests (the same way someone might use sheet cake). Either way, you want to look back on your wedding and be as happy as possible about your decisions (and compromises) and it doesn’t sound like you’ll feel that way with this issue.

 

Post # 13
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

No–you are not being selfish. She is. 

Graciously let her off the hook for the cake and find another role for her. Or have two cakes–the cake you want and her cake. But don’t give up on what you want. 

Post # 14
Member
759 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Vineyard on Long Island

Is there some other aspect of FH’s sister’s wedding that you liked? Clearly your Future Mother-In-Law only feels comfortable with certain projects that she’s already familiar with.  Maybe you didn’t mind the centerpieces or floral arrangements in FH’s sister’s wedding, and you could offer Future Mother-In-Law to help you pick/arrange those items instead?  That way if they end up exactly like FH’s sister’s decorations, your not too surprised or disappointed?

You started off planning to make this cake yourselves.  I think it would be reasonable to mention that you and FH were planning on creating a vision with this cake.  If she doesn’t think she can accomplish that vision, you two can gladly take back the effort and reapportion her help elsewhere.

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