(Closed) FMIL doesn't want me to have a trumpet-style dress for the wedding

posted 5 years ago in Dress
Post # 32
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

She sounds like she is just being spoiled because she couldn’t come. I know it’s hard…but keep brushing it off. Sorry Bee 🙁

Post # 33
Member
519 posts
Busy bee

1) I again echo everyone’s comment’s: She’s not the one wearing the dress. I have a very particular style and HATE a lot of dress styles. But if I’m not the one wearing it, it doesn’t really matter now does it? If you had asked for her opinion and she said she didn’t think it was flattering to you, that would be one thing. And if she had only said it once, that would have been one thing.

To continue to bring it up – does she really think you’d go “Oh! Okay let me change my mind!” It’s a dress, but it’s also MORE than a dress. It’s an emotional experience – finding “the one” that you can see yourself wearing on such a special day in your life. So when she makes those comments, it hurts more because the experience and decision you have made to pick this dress are made to seem insignificant, irrelevant, untrue, and without meaning.

2) I imagine your Mother-In-Law is married (or has been) – therefore she already had her turn for her wedding and making that decision.

3) I also imagine she is not paying for the gown, or contributing towards it. No $$$, no say. But you should still be able to pick a style you want, regardless.

4) I echo the idea to tell her “I’ve already chosen the dress. I love it! I do not want to speak about the dress again.”

My mom will often make comments about things that bother me, and says I should just say “Okay mom”. I think in your case, you can essentially say “Okay” to acknowledge you’ve heard what she has said (I don’t know, does she really think your ears are blocked from hearing when she has said this?), and say you do not want to talk about the dress again, unless it is positive. She might twist your words and say “Oh well I just think X, I’m just telling you what I think, it’s not negative.” 

You can say “Well, I know you really care about me, and I am sure you are very excited for the wedding, but these comments have made me uncomfortable and I do not want to have it brought up whenever I talk about the wedding or the dress. Please respect this.”

5a) SHE’S NOT EVEN YOUR OWN MOTHER!!!! Not sure how close you are but it’s so rude. Mom’s can often get away with more but even a mother would realize to knock it off (unless she was just so self-involved/careless).

5b) WHO CARES WHAT SHE WANTS, HER DAUGHTER WAS MARRIED ONE WAY AND YOU ARE NOT HER DAUGHTER. You’re family but you don’t have to “be” exactly how her daughter is. That’s a part of what makes you, you.

6) YOU ALREADY BOUGHT THE DRESS. THE DECISION HAS BEEN MADE. END OF DISCUSSION.

Edit: I posted this and saw additional comments you made, wanted to add something more.

 

Post # 34
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

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underblueskies1016 :  I think you’re exactly right. Based on the way you describe her, she sounds very much like my Future Mother-In-Law. Super traditional. My Fiance and I aren’t getting married in a church either and I think my FMIL almost had a heart attack when we told her, but she acted like she was ok with it. But she’s made comments here and there that show me she doesn’t approve.

I just kind of wish she wouldn’t be so passive aggressive about it. Just tell me straight up you’re unhappy with some of our decisions. Not that we’ll change, but let’s talk it over and move on!

Anyway, I hope you don’t let it get to you too much. Your dress is beautiful and I’m sure you look fabulous!

Post # 35
Member
8015 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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underblueskies1016 :  It’s a beautiful dress and looks pretty traditional to me. The next time she comments tell her it’s not a trumpet, it’s a modified A-line. And I liked PP’s suggestion “I wish I hadn’t shown it to you.” 

Don’t let her get to you. It’s not as if you’re wearing red or black and asking your guests to wear costumes and make their own pizzas at the reception. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Future Mother-In-Law needs to get over herself. 

Post # 36
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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underblueskies1016 :  So freakin rude. Even if you walked in a gunny sack she has ZERO say. I hate it when people repeat themselves endlessly, it’s like they think you’re deaf! I’d be really tempted to tell her off and say “You’ve told me multiple times that you don’t like the style of my dress, I’ve already purchased it, I love it and will be wearing the dress, end of story.”

Post # 37
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

good thing its not her wedding. Seriously dont listen to anyone its your day

Post # 38
Member
7237 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Have you ever spoken to someone with a smile on your face but a very serious tone? I find it super effective. In your shoes, if she said something to me again I’d smile right in her face and with a super serious voice say, “You’ve already given me your opinion. I’ve heard you. I love my dress and I’m not changing it. I look gorgeous in it and your son will love it. Do not talk to me about this anymore.” And then give her one last super bright smile and return to the conversation as if nothing just happened.

If she tries again, just interrupt and say “No, we talked about that, remember?” and then switch the topic again.

Post # 39
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Learn from this! With some people, if you don’t want their opinions; you are better not sharing your plans or ideas. I’m sure if she didn’t know your dress was classified as a trumpet dress and saw it for the first time at your wedding with your accessories, hair and make-up, she’d think you and it looked amazing. 

If you plan on having children, I’d be wary of sharing your shortlist of names with all and sundry, it’s a nightmare, people will be really scathing of names they don’t like and everybody has different preferences. A friend was put off calling her daughter Lydia after another friend hooted about it rhyming with chlamydia, two couples we know struck Alice off their list because they got sick of people shouting “Alice? Alice? Who the *uck is Alice?” (a line from an old Chubby Brown song – dire old comedian). I’m a big fan of employing either vague evasion, or the “I/we want it to be a lovely surprise for everyone!” dodge. 

Post # 40
Member
4023 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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underblueskies1016 :  The next time it comes up, be more blunt with her. Say something along the lines of, “Yes, yes, I know how much you detest trumpet style dresses–you make a point of bringing it up every single time I see you. As much as I respect your opinion, it is not an appropriate one to be making about the dress I will be walking down the aisle in, and frankly, is a bit rude at this point.”

My friend’s mom is like your Mother-In-Law and she kept sniping at my friend’s dress choice and when my friend wouldn’t say anything to her mother (even though she vented to me in private that it hurt her feelings quite a bit), I decided to “over step my bounds” and the next time her mother made a comment about her wedding dress I said, “Yeah, we know, you literally say something nasty about it every single day–if you haven’t caught on, it’s not changing anything, so let’s keep negative opinions to yourself from now on, kay?” And while her mom was none too pleased with me for several weeks, at least she shut up about the dress. I made her mom some fudge and we got over it, but seriously, sometimes people just need a blunt comment to get them to stop making nasty comments. 

Post # 41
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Do you have to spend time with her?  It’s hard to ignore someone in your face with stupid comments like that.

Post # 42
Member
1616 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

“Well I liek trumpets and since it is my dress, my opinion of it is the only one that matters.. Mine and yours sons of course”

Post # 43
Member
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

This is why I haven’t even discussed my dress with my future SISTER in law. I know she would have negative things to say about the simplicity and the color.

I would say to try to avoid the subject. If you can’t keep her away from it, ask her politely to drop it. If she can’t, I would just walk away from her.

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