(Closed) FMIL Drama

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

When you come from different backgrounds, it might seem to you like she is perpetuating problems. She may indeed just feel like she is trying to help. Treating you openly like she would a daughter.

However, I completely understand. I don’t want you to kiss up to her by any means but maybe for your own sake, let her comments fall on your deaf ears and smile.

She may secreatly feel that you see her 2K as minimal next to your family’s 10K. She wants validation from you it seems.

Can you involve her in helping with the centerpieces, invites, favors? Anything?

If she continues to overstep, have your fiance talk to her! Good luck!

Ooops, did you just add the cake bit? Have your fiance talk to her. And the dress shopping would have irked me too. It’s a very personal experience and she shouldn’t have invited herself. You could have went dress shopping with her alone for HER dress.

Post # 5
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m having some similar experiences as well – I think that some people are just not great at budgets and realizing how quickly things add up.  I know that I look at my spreadsheet all the time to see where I’m at with the budget – but I’m probably the only one.

I think its odd that she would order earrings for you without even mentioning it to you. I could see if they had some sort of family meaning…but some random purchase off of ebay?  I don’t get it.

I do think the best policy is to just let it slide and move along…money is what people argue about most in life and someone has to take the higher ground.

 

Post # 6
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@abnorris:

I’ll tell you something: My Mother-In-Law was the same way. Guest list was 85% my husband’s side. When Mother-In-Law refused to pay for them or help pay for them? We canceled the whole she-bang and had an intimate wedding. I’m telling you this in reference to:

But, I don’t feel like it’s right for my mother to pay for everyone’s food and drinks.

I’m not saying cancel your big “she-bag”. Just letting you know I know EXACTLY how you feel.

 

Post # 7
Member
7689 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@abnorris:

IDK-maybe she has NO idea how much weddings can cost these days, and is trying to be helpful? Maybe you could wear the earrings from her for the RD?  If you don’t want her to be as involved, maybe you could just keep things you want to yourself? 

Post # 8
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@abnorris: Hey! Welcome to the club! I am in the same boat as you. I love my Future Mother-In-Law, we get along great, but I can’t stand her sometimes, and for the past couple of months I have been keeping her out of the dark with the wedding planning. This past weekend, my Fiance and I were invited over to her house for a family BBQ. So, she started asking about the ceremony plans, and bla bla bla. THEN, she says “Can I just make one request?” and we said “What?” and she says “Can i request a song to be played at the ceremony?” WTF!?! I almost blew my top. Instead I just sat in silence and didn’t say a word. Then she says “Are you having the organ or the piano because the piano sounds so much better.” Uh, last time I checked this was our wedding, and when was the last time you went to church? I was so mad that I had to get up and go inside and act like I had to use the bathroom. I just think she crossed the line on that one. This isn’t a free for all, we aren’t taking requests. You got married and got to plan your wedding the way you wanted to so leave us the F*#k alone. I don’t understand why people think a wedding is about them and not the couple? So, I am going to let that one go. FI hasn’t mentioned it and he tends to forget things very easily so I am just going to wait until we meet with Pastor the end of this month and hope that it doesn’t come up again. The other question that pissed me off was that she was asking if we were having a brunch the day after the wedding. My Fiance says “Yes” and I said “No” and she looks at me with surprise and says, “You’re not having a brunch?” When Fiance and I left to go home I told him that we and my parents are done putting anymore money into this wedding. There will be no brunch. I actually called Future Mother-In-Law later that evening to set everything straight. I first thanked her for having us down for the BBQ, told her everything was great and that we had a good time. Then I said, “I know that you had mentioned the idea of a brunch, but because we are at budget right now, we will not be hosting one, unless of course you want to host something the next day.”  So, I nipped that in the bud. It just aggravates me because they are not contributing towards the wedding and yet are telling us how to plan our ceremony, and ask us if we are hosting a brunch, which we would most likely have to pay for. Sorry, aint’t gonna happen. On July 30th we have another family BBQ to go to, but on the 26th we are meeting with our Pastor iron out all the details for the ceremony. I really hope that she doesn’t grill us about the ceremony when we see her at the BBQ. I don’t think it is any of her business what we decide as far as music, and readings go; it’s our wedding. My sister gave me really good advice. She told me when she does things like that to put on my big girl panties and call her out on it right away, because if I don’t it will create more problems, and she will keep on doing it. So, we’ll see what happens July 30th. Sorry for the vent, I guess I really needed it too.

Post # 9
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@abnorris: The first part of your post is EXACTLY my Future Mother-In-Law to a TEE!! They were initially going to split the cost evenly between the parents. Unfortunately, 2 weeks after we got engaged – my dad lost his job after 15 years, so that put the burden on FH and I, but we happily downsized to what we could meet financially.
Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law said they would still help and make sure we had a great wedding and continued to offer money and this and that — and then when we all went dress shopping, she did the SAME THING and then had the nerve to say something about what my mom spent, considering my dad didn’t have a job. RAN. ALL. OVER. ME!
Just a week or so later, FH asked them what amount they planned on contributing (since they had offered, NUMEROUS times) and it BLOWS UP! They start talking that they will have to take a loan out to help contribute and blah blah, and it seriously blew up into a whole argument where Future Sister-In-Law (WHO IS PREGNANT, DUE NEXT MONTH) and all of us got into a huge argument. After that, I told FH — don’t you dare ask them for a penny and they better not offer up ONE MORE OPINION or I’m going to flip my lid.

Anywho, sorry to put that all on me..

Have you tried talking with FH about it? Some of our problem was FH always including his mom/sister on our financials and what we were paying on “this” for the wedding or “this”. . and I finally had to let him know that it didn’t work that way. We were grown adults paying our own bills and living together and doing just fine .. we don’t need their inputs, opinions, or approval. That’s definitely helped us out quite a bit.

Good Luck! Keep us updated!

Post # 10
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@abnorris: It sounds to me that she is trying to help out with the costs however the tone and manner is not the correct one.  I don’t believe she means bad, however you upbringing was a more conservative one when it comes to finances. 

In regards to the comment she made about her grandson, she probably feels that way since she rarely sees him.  Maybe, next time when all of you are together kind of hint “did you like staying with grandma because that was your very first overnight stay with anyone” so that she hears it and wonders “boy, not even her mother got first dibes”Laughing

Post # 11
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Sorry you have to deal with this, I too have an fmil that thinks wedding essentials grow on trees. It sucks when they’re nice to you, and genuinely nice people, so when they act out it’s like wtf? I can’t be mad at you because you mean well!

We can’t be sure from a limited description but it does seem like she is a case of

no idea how much weddings cost + seeking your approval+ poor social skills

It’s annoying enough when people around you don’t “get it” what this all costs with all the extras (venue scenerio where the rental fee is a lot plus all the added expenses) but it exacerbates the situation when abrupt manners come in to play.  My family is conservative with money talk too, so it throws me off when fmil is always talking talking talking about how broke they are.

As for actively handling the situation, I agree with pp’s that you should try to make her feel appreciated for little things (like you would a child), but when it gets to be too much or if she really steps over a boundary, it’s FI’s job to reign her in- not yours.

Best of luck to you!

Post # 12
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

I see this whole thing as how sometimes Mothers just can’t win. People on here complain all the time about no involvement,too much involvement, too many opinions, no opinions,helping,not helping……….where does it end and where is the happy medium?

Why does everyone assume that most of us Mothers all planned our own weddings, anyway? MOST of us in our generation had our Mothers plan them, and that’s just the way it was. We picked our dresses and attendents, and maybe the colors we wanted to use, but for the most part, our Moms did it all and we just showed up. Now no one wants us to even have opinions about anything, so where do we fit in all of this? Just to happily turn over the cash so our daughters can do and have what they want? It isn’t much fun being looked at as only the bank and to be complained about at every turn.

It makes me sad when I read stories like this and often wonder how much you’ll remember when it comes to your own turn when your kids get married.

 

Post # 13
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think mothers can and do win when they have tact and good manners. OP mentioned having tried to include her in other ways and having her leave the projects incomplete while vying for other tasks and outings.

I would agree that perspective is important, there is a veerry touchy debate of too involved/not involved enough.

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think you have my Future Mother-In-Law, except in reverse. I get the nosy feedback like for example. My wedding dress was already very lowly priced. And she was shocked a wedding dress could cost more than $300. (WTF!?!??!)

*hugs*

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