Post # 1
I’m not sure how to continue to deal with my Future Mother-In-Law and the situations that she has put us in. Ever since we got engaged last year, she has flipped a switch and become a monster in law.
She never sticks to her word, is highly manipulative and victimizes herself, very dramatic, makes assumptions on things she knows nothing about, and makes things hell when she doesn’t get her way.
She told us that she was excited about the idea of a destination wedding, but then later told us we were inconsiderate and no one would come. She and Future Father-In-Law offered to host our rehearsal dinner, now it’s too expensive and they claim they never offered. She spread rumors about my parents and she’s only met them once. She said she would throw a bridal shower, now that’s not happening either.
Whenever we talk to her about why she’s upset all she does is cry and try to make FH feel bad for her. I don’t think she’s ever heard the word no.
This puts FH and me in a weird spot because she has been nothing but drama for us. My parents have been great, and offered to pay for our reception and lodging.
FH feels hurt because his parent’s go back on their word and are helping in no way for our wedding or prewedding festivities (showers, etc) even though they definitely can and pay for things for his other siblings all the time.
Now Future Mother-In-Law thinks things are awkward and wants to go back to “normal”. FH agrees and wants a good relationship with them. I’m less forgiving and definitely can’t forget.
I feel like this is tough because I see her do these things over and over again. I don’t want her to feel like her actions don’t have consequences and that she can keep getting away with this crap.
She says she is happy for us, but her actions do not match her words.
I could keep going, but it would be a novel by the end….
Post # 2
I think it’s time to have an honest conversation with her. If she is the one who wants things to go back to “normal” then she has to acknowledge why they aren’t “normal” in the first place.
I would have your fiancé speak to her about the things she has done and how that has been hurtful/stressful to the both of you. She needs to know that these things have not gone unnoticed and that she can’t behave badly and then click her fingers and have everything go back to the way she wants them.
Then I would give her another chance but proceed with caution. If she offers to do/pay for anything else relating to the wedding just say no thank you. Learn the word no and get used to saying it.
Definitely keep her at a distance. She sounds like a lot of drama.
Post # 3
Its a forgive and don’t forget scenario in my opinion. You forgive her to her face to try and move on but you know you can’t rely on her at all. She offers to do a shower? a rehersal dinner? Great but you set clear paramaters and let your fiance do all the talking with her about it. So she wants to do a rehersal dinner? fine, but she has until Tuesday to book the venue and put down the payment on it so its locked in. See? set clear dates so if she doesn’t do it by that time you say thanks but no thanks. Or she offers to do something and you just say, no thanks we have it covered. Not much else you can do. I do think however you gotta let your fiance handle it. He should do all the talking with her not you.
Post # 4
I think you should give her the chance to make things “normal” again, but be very clear on your expectations and boundaries.
“I want us to have a happy and healthy relationship going forward as well. We are family now and that is important to me. But going forward, I need to be able to trust that when you say you will do something, you’re going to follow through on it. You absolutely do not need to host our rehearsal dinner or throw me a bridal shower, but it is hurtful and causes me anxiety when you offer to do those things and then pull out. I want to include you in our wedding planning as far as you want to be involved, so if you tell me the specific ways you would like to be involved, let’s work together to make that happen”
Post # 5
- Wedding: December 2019 - Dallas, TX
Totally agree with ladyjane, its not your job to talk to her because she may be your Future Mother-In-Law but she is not your mother. That should be your FH’s job. I wouldn’t accept any offers from her unless it’s cash upfront to help with expenses. She says she wants to go back to normal but she sounds very manipulative and things like that doesn’t change overnight. Like you said, forgive but never forget.
Good luck! xox
Post # 6
I agree with PP. Forgive, but do NOT forget.
Be kind to her, treat her like family, but maintain some distance and keep your guard up.
I’m guessing the wedding “triggered” her to become anxious and to feel vulnerable, which resulted in her moving up the narcissism spectrum. This is incredibly frequent.
The great thing in your case is that she wasn’t this way before the wedding. That indicates she MAY actually return to “normal” after the wedding’s over.
If you forgive and move forward with a “clean” slate, there’s a chance you could get a great Mother-In-Law out of it.
(But I would watch closely for signs that moster-in-law is returning if you plan to have kids, once you’re pregnant.)