FMIL drama advice – more the merrier – am I the crazy one?!?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
600 posts
Busy bee

I think it’s time to have an honest conversation with her. If she is the one who wants things to go back to “normal” then she has to acknowledge why they aren’t “normal” in the first place.

I would have your fiancé speak to her about the things she has done and how that has been hurtful/stressful to the both of you. She needs to know that these things have not gone unnoticed and that she can’t behave badly and then click her fingers and have everything go back to the way she wants them.

Then I would give her another chance but proceed with caution. If she offers to do/pay for anything else relating to the wedding just say no thank you. Learn the word no and get used to saying it. 

Definitely keep her at a distance. She sounds like a lot of drama. 

Post # 3
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee

Its a forgive and don’t forget scenario in my opinion. You forgive her to her face to try and move on but you know you can’t rely on her at all. She offers to do a shower? a rehersal dinner? Great but you set clear paramaters and let your fiance do all the talking with her about it. So she wants to do a rehersal dinner? fine, but she has until Tuesday to book the venue and put down the payment on it so its locked in. See? set clear dates so if she doesn’t do it by that time you say thanks but no thanks. Or she offers to do something and you just say, no thanks we have it covered. Not much else you can do. I do think however you gotta let your fiance handle it. He should do all the talking with her not you. 

Post # 4
Member
2972 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I think you should give her the chance to make things “normal” again, but be very clear on your expectations and boundaries.

“I want us to have a happy and healthy relationship going forward as well. We are family now and that is important to me. But going forward, I need to be able to trust that when you say you will do something, you’re going to follow through on it. You absolutely do not need to host our rehearsal dinner or throw me a bridal shower, but it is hurtful and causes me anxiety when you offer to do those things and then pull out. I want to include you in our wedding planning as far as you want to be involved, so if you tell me the specific ways you would like to be involved, let’s work together to make that happen”

Post # 5
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Dallas, TX

Totally agree with ladyjane, its not your job to talk to her because she may be your Future Mother-In-Law but she is not your mother. That should be your FH’s job. I wouldn’t accept any offers from her unless it’s cash upfront to help with expenses. She says she wants to go back to normal but she sounds very manipulative and things like that doesn’t change overnight. Like you said, forgive but never forget. 

 

Good luck! xox

Post # 6
Member
2329 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with PP. Forgive, but do NOT forget.

Be kind to her, treat her like family, but maintain some distance and keep your guard up.

I’m guessing the wedding “triggered” her to become anxious and to feel vulnerable, which resulted in her moving up the narcissism spectrum. This is incredibly frequent.

The great thing in your case is that she wasn’t this way before the wedding. That indicates she MAY actually return to “normal” after the wedding’s over. 

If you forgive and move forward with a “clean” slate, there’s a chance you could get a great Mother-In-Law out of it. 

(But I would watch closely for signs that moster-in-law is returning if you plan to have kids, once you’re pregnant.)

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