(Closed) FMIL drama from day 1

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m confused, do his parents raise his son? Why is he with them and not his parents? Just trying to figure out the living situation?

Post # 4
Member
8520 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@bricon:  Yeah I am kind of confused too because OP is throwing all these accusations out at the Mother-In-Law when it sounds like she is the one stepping up to raise this kid.

I am sorry OP but your Fiance needs to step up and look after his child. Children come first and if that means you two need to live seperately for now then I think he needs to do that because the kid comes first. I think your projecting your anger over the whole kid situation onto the Mother-In-Law. I don;t know the specifics of your court case but the court has said that you are not to have contact with the son for some reason. This reason (on court record) could be held against the IL’s if they have you in their lives/house and since they seem to be the ones raising the child I can see their reluctance to get the ex off side because it could mean the termination of custody.

The Mother-In-Law is also probably mightly p*ssed off with having to cater to her son’s whims and raise his child because he wont take whatever steps he needs to in order to do that.

 

Post # 5
Member
4339 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@bricon:  Hmm… I read it as the kid lives with his mother, but his father (OP’s FI) has visitation rights. However, since the kid isn’t allowed around the OP, visitation takes place at the Future In-Laws house.  Some states also allow grandparents visitation rights, as well. Regardless, it seemed to me as though the mother has custody.

OP – unless you elope, I think your Future In-Laws have to be invited. Sorry – unless your Fiance decides on his own that he doesn’t want his family there, then you don’t really have a good choice. Just be aware that you are marrying into the family and so may have to put up with these issues for the long term.

Post # 6
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Future Mother-In-Law is showing you exactly who she is and you need to believe her. This behavior is not going to change. You need to decide if this is something you can deal with for the rest of your life. 

Post # 7
Member
11271 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MrsElopement:  i agree.  unfortunately, she will never change so get used to it. 

if you don’t think you can handle a mil like that for the next 40 years, i would suggest leaving now.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

She doesn’t have to like you and you don’t have to like her. I’m sorry that your Mother-In-Law fantasy is panning out. I am confused about the custody situation, especially because it sounds like a lot of FMIL’s resentment is coming from her grandson’s situation. 

From her perspective, it sounds like she thinks her son is choosing you and your kids over his own son. Why did the court dictate that you can’t be around the kid? If a court did this, there has to be a reason – you said that you cashed out your 401k to have a lawyer on your side but it didn’t work. Courts don’t make rulings like that based on hearsay.

So if he’s leaving his kid with the grandparents to be with you and your kids, I can understand why she’d she would be resentful and feel the need to plan the summer visitation – if your Fiance is always with you, and you can’t be around his son, then why shouldn’t she step up? Let me know if I’m reading this wrong.

It sounds like the family situation needs a lot of work on both ends. If your Fiance is working two jobs (do you work?) and his mom is taking care of his son when he’s not at work because he’s with you, then everyone needs to reevaluate – especially your Fiance. Figure this out before you start thinking about wedding pictures.

Post # 11
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You cleared that up well, thank you. It sounds like your between a rock and a hard place. I am assuming that your Fi having his son those days would put him in charge of his sons schedule but mom’s interfering with that. Maybe he should lay down the law with her or ask for her to be replaced with a different family member. It sounds complicated!

Post # 12
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It seems like not only do you have a Future Mother-In-Law that will not cooperate, you also have your FI’s ex to deal with as well. 

First of all, I think its crazy that his ex still lives in a building that is owned by his family, what kind of self respecting person does that?  And how come your Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t help out her son with all these legal proceedings.  It’s like she enjoys watching him squirm to see his son.  Personally, I would not want a relationship with her.

I think your first step is to see how this new judge handles your case.  Maybe you can have your ex there as a witness to your character.  Once that is out of the way, then you can find some kind of common ground with your Future Mother-In-Law, because she won’t have any more excuses to keep you away.  For now, I think you are doing a good job at keeping your cool, and supporting your Fiance and his son.

Post # 13
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Re: residence of your FI’s ex, I do somewhat understand why the family continues to allow her to reside there. If she has provided them with a grandson, ultimately their interests are to ‘keep the peace’ and allow their son’s grandmother with a place of residence. I do not know specifics, but perhaps she is cash poor and this allows her with a secure place to reside where they know their grandson’s interests will be best preserved. Not sure.

Re: Future Mother-In-Law, She sounds very difficult and I do feel for you. I think that animosity for no given reason is difficult. She sounds like she has made up her mind. That being said, you could try the approach of ‘killing her with kindness’ in the sense that you are a gem at all times. Perhaps you have or are trying this right now. I just figure that if you conduct yourself with grace at all times, they eventually have to come around as they’ll realize that anger or hatred is futile.

Is there any chance that you could offer to explain the custody arrangement with the Future Mother-In-Law to try and have her on board if you have another hearing.

I know Family law is very difficult and sometimes things can get misrepresented. Ultimately all parties must act in the best interests of the child. Do as much homework and disclose as much as possible to insist that it is not in the best interests of the child to have the arrangement continue as it currently is.

I wish you all the very best. A tough situation indeed.

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