(Closed) FMIL Drama (surprise, surprise)..kind of long.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Wow, MrsBell2B… I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all of this on top of your mother’s passing! I can’t say I’ve ever been there, but I definitely feel for you!

Sounds like the prenup isn’t a bad idea, not because your Fiance sounds untrustworthy, but because his family does… No need to have them all relying on you someday in the event things go sour. ๐Ÿ™

Would you say Fiance is aware of how his mother has been acting? He was obviously there for the flower girl fiasco, so that might be a good place to jump into the discussion – “I know I can trust you, but sometimes your mother’s attitude towards our/my fianances makes me uncomfortable. etc etc etc, and I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the practicality of a prenuptial agreement.” It sounds like something YOUR mom would have been in favor of – she made careful sure that you would be provided for, and would hate to see that disappear. Hopefully Fiance will take it well.

Hope it gets better soon. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 4
Member
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear about your mom.  I can’t even imagine how difficult that must’ve been for you. 

Second, the more I read your post, I found myself becoming angry toward you FH’s family. I can’t believe they are assuming that you are and will pay for everything.  Unbelieveable. Let me ask you this, does his family go out to eat at all, etc?  I mean, your Future Brother-In-Law could save $80 and buy his daughter’s dress since you ARE paying for practically everything else.

Do you think it’s because they know you have this trust fund that they are acting like you will pay for everything?  Your Future Mother-In-Law sounds like a real gem and perhaps you might consider sitting her down and having a conversation with her.  I’d run this by your FH first.  Maybe he can sit with you and her as well.

Another question, how old are his sisters?  Old enough to have jobs and pay for their own dresses?  Just curious.

I would seriously think about the pre-nup.  If his family still had money, would his mom require her son to have a pre-nup drawn up for you?  Something to think about.

It just sounds like you have so much on your plate. I hope you have an outlet for your stress and can find some time for you.

Hang in there and keep us posted.

Post # 5
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m so so sorry about your mom, I lost my dad to cancer and I know how horrible it is. I second getting a prenup for the same reasons that the pp’s had. Your Future Mother-In-Law sounds sort of money-hungry, so if I were you I would not discuss your financial situation with her any further. Try to keep her out of it as much as possible, as it’s really none of her business. 

Post # 6
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

My only advice is GET A PRE-NUP!  Please!!!!! 

Post # 7
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

You should also research the specific laws in your state.  In my state, money that comes into the marriage and is held separately during the entire marriage is not community property.  So you should always keep your trust accounts separate from your joint accounts, and not add your husband as a trustee or person who can access that money.

Post # 8
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I will keep you in my prayers.  I can’t even imagine what you must be going through.  I’m sorry your mother in law seems like a nightmare.  I wouldn’t worry about being a bridezilla in this situation.  It seems like you’ve got a great fiancee who sticks up for you.  If they are going to be so rude as to imply that you should pay for everything..which is ridiculous with or without you having a trustfund…then maybe you should be so bold as to set a clear boundry early on..so this doesn’t continue for the rest of your lives together.  Just let them know one good time what you will and will not stand for…what your limit is in terms of what you will pay for with YOUR money and then even if they are mad, they will get over it, and they will think twice before disrespecting you anymore.  Again, I’m sorry.

Post # 9
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Wow that is tough – I am so sorry you have to go through this!

You do know that you are not required to pay for all that stuff right – you can draw the line (an will have to draw the line) somewhere!

I am sorry about your mom and I want to commend you for your maturity and level headedness in dealing with all this stuff!

I second everyone regarding your prenuptial agreement and I do think you need to draw the line on what you are going to pay for and talk to your Future Mother-In-Law and stick to your guns!!!!

Post # 11
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m sorry about your loss and the drama you’ve been going through. I don’t know if I would do all the things you’ve been doing. If my Fiance had sisters that age, I would not pay for their dresses. I know that some places have payment plans, and would suggest that. I would also ask them to save some money and maybe purchase the dress in January. There is time.

 

I know times are tough and you want to help out his family because you love him, but you may want to think about cutting back because all those expenses to begin to add up. Besides if his family loved him, they would make a sacrifice to save a little here and there to pay for at least their dresses and tux.

Post # 12
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Oh my goodness… how stressful for you! You seem to have a pretty good attitude though. Is your Fiance contributing anything? I know his family is having financial issues, but is he as well? That is a lot for one person to be paying for! I definitely think a prenup is the way to go. You need to protect your future. Does his family know you’ve been paying for everything from your personal savings & not the insurance money? Seriously… how frustrating.

May I ask why you are paying for everyone’s lodging & their outfits? If there are so many people staying at the compound, can’t they split the cost or pay a portion of the cost? Truthfully, if I were you, I’d be eloping. You don’t have a large family & his family is sucking you dry… I’d go to a warm, breezy location and get married. Just the two of you. 

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this at once! You seem to be a fairly level headed, strong woman… keep on smiling. ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 13
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010 - Stage 6 Steiner Studios

Wow. I’m sorry about the loss of your mom. She seems to have taught you how to be independent and take care of yourself which is something you can pass on to your daughters!

For someone that is 21, you’ve gone through a lot of life experiences in such a short amount of time and yet you’ve dealt w/everything responsibly and in a level-headed way. I think it’s been very generous of you so far to pay for most everything wedding-related. It’s wrong of your Future Mother-In-Law to treat you like an ATM just to have her family participate in the wedding. She may be more sensitive of your wealth since you mentioned they used to have some money.

It’s reasonable of you to want a pre-nup and to not mention it to Future Mother-In-Law since it is between you and your fiance anyway.

Congrats and best of luck!

Post # 14
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m very sorry for your lost.  Your mother instilled you with great values and made you such a strong character.

However, I think ur Future Mother-In-Law sucks!  If they expect u to pay for everything, then u must make them work for it by doing some DIY project so at least they know u have no money to burn on everything. Make them run errands for u.

Does ur Future Mother-In-Law also expect u to buy her dress?  Have u discussed the guest list with her?  What if she invites tons of people?  And is ur fiance supporting u at all with any of the wedding expenses?  If he can’t support u now coz he’s supporting his family, i think that kinda paints the picture of what ur life would be.  U will be supporting ur family (u and him) while he supports them. 

I don’t even know where they get the courage to think that ur trust fund or even ur savings can foot all the bills for a wedding.  I really hope that u end up getting a pre-nup.  Ur mom didn’t make u the beneficiary of it just so other ppl can take advantage of it. Shame on them…

Post # 15
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2011

That is awful! I’m so sorry to hear about everything you’ve had to go through – at only 21, no less! That woman should be ashamed of herself. On one hand, I want to tell you to make them pay for the things they’re expected to, but on the other hand, I completely understand you’re desire to not “feel like you owe them anything.” I, personally, would have made the bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc. pay for their own attire, as that’s traditionally expected when they accept that position. Now, they your Future Mother-In-Law probably feels like she has free reign and will keep pushing you, knowing that you’ll allow her to. I, personally, would gently but firmly remind her that your paying for the attendants’ attire is a courtesy – a gift from you to them – not something you’re required to do, so she should be grateful. I don’t neccessarily recommend that you react that way because I’m sure you aren’t as brash of a person as I am, and it would certainly only make things worse. ๐Ÿ˜› I agree with ShoeHunter: “Your mother instilled you with great values and made you such a strong character.” I find it amazing how strong and determined you are; it is admirable. I can’t even imagine how hard that all must be to deal with.

As for a prenup, that sounds like a really good idea. Hopefully your fiance will understand, especially since he’s been around to see the way you’ve been treated. It’s also really good that you aren’t dipping into your trust money. It was a very kind of you to foot the bill for even the things the couple isn’t expected to pay, and it’s a shame that they don’t appreciate it.

Good luck, girl; I do hope everything works out fine for you.

Post # 16
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I beg you to get a pre-nuptial agreement.

And to keep all trust-fund money completely separate from your household money — do not use it to pay for shared assets, do not put it into any account that has both of your names.

 

I beg you.

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