(Closed) FMIL driving me crazy

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2253 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@pittsteelergirl: I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think you need to continue to be firm and hold your ground. If you try to accomodate her every time she acts out, she’ll continue to do so bc she know it will give her the results she wants. With the dinner rehearsal, thank her for her contribution but I would let her know that your father is paying for the remaining portion since the costs is coming out of the money he provided. That way she won’t freak out if he brings a guest. As for the bridal shower, it’s your shower. This isn’t a social event for her to invite her friends. I think it’s more than fair to not want anyone you’ve never met there considering she wanted to bring 5 other people initially. With anything else that she freaks out on, tell her you’re sorry she feel this way but it’s what you and your SO want with your wedding. Be firm. Lastly, I think your SO needs to have a talk with her. It’s his mother. 

Post # 4
7673 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Tell her she can’t invite people to the shower who won’t be invited to the wedding.

Don’t tell her what colour to wear, it’s not worth the fight.

Post # 5
1868 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Wow that is pretty ridic that she freaked out about the menu when she’s only putting in $500!! In regards to the bridal shower, it’s YOUR shower, she technically doesn’t get or have to invite anyone. You’re being nice telling her she can invite those five people you were initially okay with. If I were you, I would put my foot down about not inviting those people you don’t know. She has to realize that she’s not going to get her way when it comes to your wedding that she is not paying for. 

Good luck with everything! 

Post # 6
4375 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@pittsteelergirl:  About the bridal shower – if those 7 people are also invited to the wedding, it might be good to have them there. There were a few family friends of FI’s who I didn’t know and having them at my bridal shower gave me a chance to get to know them in a more social setting so they weren’t total strangers at the wedding.

If they’re not invited to the wedding, then of course, they shouldn’t be invited to the shower.

Post # 7
404 posts
Helper bee

Ugh, poor you! I totally agree with PP’s that no one should be invited that isn’t invited to the wedding.

Just tell her strait, no. No one you don’t know for what’s supposed to be a fun night, also, who’s paying for the shower? Could you say something about cost/space to reinforce the no?

Post # 9
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

Cleaning lady?!  Boggles the mind…sorry you’re having to deal with this…I think you should put your foot down (with FI’s support) and have who you want at the bridal shower and rehearsal dinner.

Post # 10
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Ya we’re not having the Parent/Kid dance either and haven’t told her yet. I imagine that she’ll be disappointed but I’ve already made my concessions and I’m going to stick to what we want (FI and I) for all the rest of the decision making. My Future Mother-In-Law isn’t a bad or negative person, but she has a certain vision and I don’t think what we want matches what she wants as much as she’d like. But honestly our view of it matches sooo closely that I don’t know why she has to act so disappointed at the few discrepancies we have. After paying for the flowers she immediately said that all her brothers/sisters and their children need to be invited…at $150 pp and how small our venue is that amount given to us is already all gobbled up. I’m fine with most of the brothers and sisters (and children) because I’ve met them and spend enjoyable holidays with them. I knew going into this that more of his family would be invited than mine, but it escalated when she insisted on all her brothers/sisters and kids. There’s a brother who is a part of a family of 4 that I’ve never met, and haven’t seen my Fiance in over 10 years. They purposely ditched the family and she’s insisting they be invited. What really blows my top is that she’s not even sure if her brother is married anymore. 

If you don’t know if a family member that ditched you is even married. My personal opinion is that they shouldn’t be invited. 

Post # 11
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Well it is tradition for the grooms family to pay for the rehearsal dinner, so you probably should’ve talked to her about whether or not she was contributing before you locked in prices/picked a menu… because she typically would be the host of the dinner. It is a little strange to have people other than the bridal party and their SO’s at the rehearsal dinner since there’s nothing for them to rehearse? But it’s not right that she doesn’t think the SO’s should be there.

Everything else you mentioned is pretty ridiculous on her part. Especially inviting people you don’t know after you’ve repeatedly told her you didn’t want them there. Have you thought about having your Fiance talk to her about this and the other things she’s done to upset you both? If she doesn’t “care” for you, I would definitely designate the conversation to your Fiance, otherwise she’ll just dislike you even more.

Post # 12
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law is really trying to control things. Is she like this all the time, or is this just wedding behaviour? If she is acting crazy because she feels left out, is there some responsibility you could give her that would help her tone it down a bit?

If you don’t want strangers at your shower, that makes sense. However, I do disagree about the no-wedding-invite = no-shower-invite “rule.” For example, I know that there are women from our church who have hinted to my mother that they would love to be invited to a shower, though they have absolutely zero expectation of being invited to the wedding. Just a thought.

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