(Closed) FMIL driving me nuts!

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request from you. She can wear any other color she likes, just not THAT one. It sounds to me either like she’s grabbing for attention (“look at me, I want to be part of the bridal party too”) or trying to make some sort of “power move” by directly challenging/disregarding your request. Things were like this at HER wedding, so she’s going to do the same at yours despite being specifically asked not to? Hum…

That being said, she will wear what she’s going to wear. I think this is the wrong hill to die on. She will be the one who looks like she’s trying to be one of the girls, it doesn’t really reflect on you. I don’t think it will look badly on your mother, either.

Post # 4
Member
1728 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

@firefliesinthesky:  OP, listen to this advice right here.

 

I didn’t tell the mothers what to wear at my wedding, as I thought it was a useless and uncomfortable battle. That said, I know it’s the etiquette for the bride to have some degree of control and your requests were basic and reasonable. I could see if she went to you and said, “I have this particular dress and I don’t have the means to get another.” But the fact is, she’s purposely going out of her way to disregard your feelings and do what she likes.

You won’t be able to force this issue. She can stand her ground and act like a child all she wants. But the more you push this, the more you will feed into this power struggle. I’d say your best solution is to give up, turn the other cheek, and refuse to discuss the matter anymore. Maybe she’ll get bored and seek out another dress after all.

If you push this, you risk causing problems between you and your mother-in-law in the future – and between MIL and your future husband. Your post leaves me wondering if this has been a common theme throughout your relationship.

 

Post # 5
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Ugh what a pain! my FMIL likes to think/dress like shes in her 20s…she sent me pics of the 2 dresses she bought and OMG they are awful…just AWFUL…and the one she likes the best i HATE the most! My stepmom is wearing a classy gold dress a typical “mom” dress…I wish FMIL would wear something more conservative. Im sooooooo upset by her choices! This is a classy Vegas wedding not one where you look like a hooker from the strip! meehhhhhhh….writing this just made me more mad…Frown

Post # 6
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I totally understand.  I finally threw my hands in the air and said “i don’t care”.

FMIL is on dress #3.  She first bought blue (which is the bridesmaid’s colour) and since I can’t SEE the colour in person (she is in florida we are in ontario) I wasn’t comfortable with it.  So she got a really nice taupe one that I loved.  She then decided she didn’t like that one and got a silver one.  (which likely will look white in pictures).  I finally just decided I didnt’ care.  If she ends up looking silly in a whiteish dress that is her problem not mine.

But now she is also concerned that FI’s dad’s wife will wear the same colour.  No she won’t.  I have discussed this with her.  She is also planning on wearing a shorter dress because she is not a biological mom, and does not want to stand them up.  Unfortunately FI’s mom and sister hate this woman so they dont’ trust her.  I do.  She is NOT my concern.

I’m getting tired of hearing of people behaving as if other people’s weddings are about them. 

Post # 7
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@jbbs1222:  she sounds like a child.  

My mom’s go to wardrobe is a “Life is Good” t-shirt and either pj pants or if she absolutely has to leave the house- classic mom jeans.  I’ve never seen her in a dress or dressy clothes.  ever.  When she goes to other weddings she wears black or khaki pants and a nicer cotton shirt.  I knew we’d be having a very similar argument if I decided to pick out her outfit.

so, my rationale is this: I’m not telling her what to wear – and if she looks like an idiot, thats on her – not on me.  People aren’t going to comment to me about her outfit, if anytihng, they’ll comment to her.  I’m going to look effing amazing in my pictures, and she wont.  So basically what I’m trying to say is- your FMIL is the one who will look like an idiot wearing the same color as your BMs, and its allll on HER.  Your mom will look beautiful and appropriate in her dress.  Hopefully later on, after the wedding is over, she’ll look at the pictures and realize what a child she was.

I find people like this aren’t worth fighting with – good luck! 

Post # 8
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

This reminds me of the episode of “My Fair Wedding” when David Tutera wanted to change the mother of the bride’s dress to make her look better, and she was persistent in wearing what she wanted regardless.  Moral of the story…. even David Tutera, designer extraordinaire does not change a stubborn mother’s mind about the vision of a wedding.  I agree with the other PP and say, pick your battles.  Ultimately it’s going to do two things on the day: 1. make her look all matchy matchy, and 2: make your mom look special!  After the wedding is over there won’t be crap about how she looked awful and felt awful because she had to pick a dress based on your standards, and now she has the pictures to forever remind her… trust me, that is NOT something you want lingering around for every time you look at a wedding pic, video, or celebrate an anniversary.   Once I learned there was only so much I could control, the wedding planning got a lot lighter, and you can enjoy yourslef on your day!

 

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