Post # 1
This post is for me to vent…need someone to listen….thank you I really do appreciate it.
My Future Mother-In-Law is making me feel belittled and when she asks my opinion or says well it’s your and my son’s decision, she really means, you have no idea what you are doing or no your way of doing stuff is not how I would do it.
My Fiance and I have relatively large families. My Maid/Matron of Honor, my mother and myself were talking about the bridal shower. My Maid/Matron of Honor wants to plan it for me. My mom suggested that since we have so many people on each side of our families (about 40-50 women per side) and that our families live almost two hours apart it might be a good idea to suggest to do two separate ones, keep costs down and so people don’t have to travel so far.
Future Mother-In-Law thinks we are trying to not get the families together and that I am trying to cause a wedge between the two families. That is not at all the case.
This comes back to the rehearsal dinner fiasco where she asked what day Fiance and I would like to have the rehearsal dinner. She recommended Friday, I said Saturday night (the wedding is on Sunday evening) and she and Future Father-In-Law blew up at me. My reasoning was that is a lot to ask for people of the bridal party to take a day off of work to come to a rehearsal on Friday and then have to stay an extra night when we could just have it Saturday because they would already be coming to the wedding anyways. She was more worried about cost for herself.
I am getting so frusterated. I almost want to say when she says it’s your decision to make, no it’s not you have everything planned and my opinion doesn’t matter.
Grrrrr, I feel like I have no say in anything that happens at our wedding, luckily I have been able to keep her out of the other planning stuff. Another example, is she hates our venue. It is an outdoor ceremony with reception to follow at the same location. We got a heck of a deal and no minimums. She thinks we should have it downtown in Chicago, because that’s where her and Future Father-In-Law had it.
Just because you did it one way does not mean it works for us. By the way they aren’t helping pay for the wedding because she believes my parents should pay for the whole thing Because that’s how her wedding was paid.
Ugh, thank you listening…I am getting to my wits end she won’t even listen to our explanation or thoughts. What would you do bees?
Post # 2
It can be difficult. The only thing you really can do is let her comments go right over your head. Don’t let her push your buttons. Be honest with yourself. You don’t really care what her opinion is, so why let her opinion make you upset?
Post # 3
Gotta love the hive, it sometimes feels like a Future Mother-In-Law support group! I see so many similar posts, and have my own issues with Future Mother-In-Law. I do my best to keep planning to myself. Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law also not contributing anything to our wedding either. Know you’re not alone in the way you’re feeling! As another bee posted, in one ear, out the other! I’d honestly try to just let yourself laugh at the situation. I know it can be difficult, but eventually you get to a point where you realize everything you do will make her or someone else unhappy. Oh well! It’s your wedding and you and your FH are who matters most. I keep our families separate at all costs to the best of my ability because it is so awkward and uncomfortable. Honestly, if it makes things easier all around, do it. She’ll just have to deal with it. Sorry for sounding so negative I can just totally relate haha. Best of luck!! 🙂
Post # 4
Yep, I’m a firm believer in the “that sounds lovely , but we are going to do x” or ”that sounds lovely , I’ll think about it/run it by Fi ” response . And DO nothing , of course .
Post # 5
Thank you everyone for the comments. It is very frusterating sometimes especially in a group setting where she puts me on the spot to just stand there after she makes comments and i just smile polietly say we will think about it the suggestion and move on. She then brings it back up later.
The worst part of all of this is I had to basically put Future Mother-In-Law in her place. She tried to tell me that how my Maid/Matron of Honor was planning tthe bridal party she was hosting was all wrong and that this was how she did it.
I finally couldn’t take it anymore at dinner with her and said I find it very offensive that you think you can tell people how to host a party that you are not hosting. Just because you did it one way does not mean that is how everything should be done. My MOH, my BF is hosting this party, if you don’t like how stuff is being done, deal with it. If you want to host a bridal shower and do things your way that is fine, but do not say that this is how it should be done, it is her party to host she gets to do what she wants.
(Quick background story – my BF is my Maid/Matron of Honor she has had an entremely difficult life due to multiple diseases and being in a wheel chair these last couple of years and was told she wouldn’t live very long. She was very happy when I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and immediately asked if she could plan a bridal shower. I said of course and knew this was something that she may never get to experience herself and wanted her to feel special.)
Future Mother-In-Law has other ideas, she believes that Future Father-In-Law, Future Brother-In-Law should be invited to the shower as well. I calmly said the one hosted by Maid/Matron of Honor is an all female party, if she wants to invite them, she can plan her own shower.
Just aggrevating to have to be this stern with her, she does what she wants no matter what other people say to her.
Post # 6
Hows the relationship between your Fiance and FMIL?
Post # 7
Sometimes you have to let people do what they want with their money. Schedule the rehearsal for Saturday. If she wants to host a dinner on Friday, attend with you and your fiance. You can have your own dinner on Saturday when your bridal party gets there. Future Mother-In-Law will see how silly she’s being when she realizes that her way is just for her and not for functionality. If money is the issue, offer a cheaper location that will fit in her budget for the Saturday. But a rehearsal without the bridal party is silly.
As for the shower, let Future Mother-In-Law plan her shower and you attend. If your family can’t make it, do another with them in the other town. You could also recommend locations at the halfway point to Future Mother-In-Law.
Please don’t stress too much about it. I try to tell myself that when people are so passionate about the way things are done it’s because they really care about it. In Future Mother-In-Law eyes you’re taking her awesome baby boy, so she wants to get some things her way before he’s yours forever….You’re still on the winning end of the deal because you get the groom 😉
Post # 8
Strained, to his face they seem happy but behind his back it is a whole other story. Fiance has had multiple times to just tell her to stop this is how it is. FMIL doesn’t think he is sucessful (two college degrees and full time job and just got licensed), incapbable of moving out on his own (we just got out apartment together), and thinks he has no idea what he is doing in life in general.
It all stems to, from what I can see, that everything should be done her way or she bullies people into making it happen her way. She can’t accept something that is out of her control, like Fiance moving out, she still can’t get over the fact that he doesn’t call her every week.
I hate the fact that the situation is what it is, because I have never met someone as rude and selfish as her. I just hope she doesn’t go to far and try to push my Maid/Matron of Honor to do things behind my back.
Post # 9
Deep breaths! When she’s heinous to you in front of others, it’ll show them her true colours and people will start to ignore her. I agree – kill her with kindness. Just smile and nod and think all the things you wish you could say.
My Mother-In-Law is usually awesome, but she’s hurt my feelings on occasion and I try to just let it go.
Post # 10
Oh man, I’m sorry to hear that about the relationship between your Fiance and Future Mother-In-Law and you. But at least you and your Fiance are on the same page when it comes to your Future Mother-In-Law and that doesn’t cause a rift between the 2 of you.
Agree with PP, kill her with kindness… one day that woman will wake up and realize she’d rather have you both in her life than to be lonely her way. Mom’s are only human, sure they might be selfish and demanding but I like to believe that they want the best for their children (their approach is just sometimes off mark)
Post # 11
Thank you! You definitly wrapped up the situation nicely. Thanks for the advice!
Post # 12
I can sympathize!! My FI’s grandmother is pretty vocal about what she thinks we need to do. When peple aren’t paying for the wedding they shouldn’t be so demanding, suggestions are nice, but opinionated demands are unnecessary. Your wedding will be here before you know it and hopefully with the holiday seasons coming up they’ll be a little more occupied! Good luck!
Post # 13
Thank you! It feels good to know I am not going crazy or being a bridezilla! Her opions and comments and how she attacks people if they don’t do things her way seem to get stronger and stronger as we go.