(Closed) FMIL …. Guest List…. Circus Tent! HELP!!!!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think the only thing you can do in this case is present your Fiance (and through him, FMIL) with cold hard facts.  If they haven’t done so already, get a solid no-more-then-xyz-dollars figure from your parents so you know exactly what your budget is.  Then start gathering estimates for the essentials – venue, food, officiant, invitations, etc – a present them with a realistic view of the costs.

The most important thing here is that you and your Fiance have to agree what you 2 want! If he’s now set on having that many, and yet you are firmly in the 150 or less catagory, then maybe this is a place to compromise (IF and only if finances allow it). Maybe sit him down and say: “Look, we started out agreeing to 100-150.  Now *you and FMIL* want 300-350.  How about we meet in the middle at 200-250?”  

 

Post # 4
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I feel your pain as I was in the same boat as you. My suggestion is to tell her a specific number of guests she is allowed to invite. Once you and your Fiance have come up with a firm number of guest stick with it regardless of the excuses you will get from her. I got from Future Mother-In-Law “I know these people will not come but we have to invite them” and the “well her husband never comes to things”.  My Fiance was on the same page as me until he talked to his mom and she gave him the excuses and then he wanted to let her invite extras which I put my foot down and I would not take it back for anything in the world.  Stick to your guns but compromise a little up the guest list by 25 or so.

Post # 5
Member
46421 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you and your Fiance need to come to an agreement about the size of your wedding- a number that you both are committed to.

Once you have that, it is up to each of you to reinforce your vision every time numbers come up. “We’re sorry Future Mother-In-Law, but we have decided on 150 people. That means you will have to decide which (insert#) people you are going to invite.”

Post # 6
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Here’s my advice:

1.  The number one issue here is not your guest list, its your fiance being ready and willing to go to bat for you because you two are forming a new family.  He needs to start making decisions in a way that benefits you guys as a couple.  There’s a reason why when you get married you leave your parents and make your spouse the priority.  You are the number 1 woman in his life now and he needs to be setting clear boundaries with his mother in a way that protects your interests.  If you can’t trust him to do that for you before the wedding, you’re going to get railroaded on everything else – naming the kids, where you buy your house, how to raise your children, etc.  The bottom line is paying for a wedding for 300-350 people goes counter to your decision as a couple and does NOT in any way benefit you as a family.  You’re going to have to pay for this all somehow, and its definitely not fair if the burden is placed on you or your parents.  If he doesn’t stand up to his mom and start being firm with her, you NEED to go see a marriage counselor for some pre-marital counseling.  I cannot stress this enough – this was one of the most stressful things about our wedding planning until my Fiance “got it” and started protecting me and our family from being pressured to do things.  It is NOT, NOT, NOT fair if he’s putting you in the position of always being the bad guy or if he’s making you talk to his mother.  She may be hurt, but SHE WILL GET OVER IT.

2. We had the same guest list issues and we stuck to our guns to have a small wedding of 60 people.  How?  We told our moms that if they were more than welcome to host their own wedding shower, open house, reception, or brunch before OR after the wedding.  They could invite whoever they wanted, do it however they wanted, and we would be happy to show up.  But they had to pay for it.  We could only afford what we could afford.  Both moms took us up on it and my mom actually CANCELLED her reception once she realized she couldn’t cut her guest list down to less than 250 people.  His mom is still hosting an open house at their church that we will be going to 2 weeks after the wedding.  We still had to pay for plane tickets to his hometown, but we were GLAD to do that.  Best $700 I’ve ever spent.

You can do it – just stay strong!

 

Post # 7
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@ ginger123 – great way to put it

Post # 9
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Good for you!  Stick to your guns, otherwise you’ll be pouting through the whole process!

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