Post # 1
So here is some backround on my FMIL(future mother in law):
When my fiance and I got engaged she immediatley began calling family members and told them to get ready to attend a wedding becuase her son was engaged. Some of these people would not even be invited, due to us having large familes.
A week after my fiance proposed she wrote us an email(more like a novel) about how she has planned multiple weddings and events. “The two of you should bypass as much of all the expensive hoopla as possible. Try to ignore inspiration from any lavish weddings that you have attended or seen on television.” Her exact words. Then she proceeded to tell us that our wedding should be a modest small event and included several links to articles on budgeting. My parents, who are paying for most of it would never allow me a “modest” event! They know im not a “modest” person! lol. We are from a large loud italian family!
So needless to say I am not the biggest fan of her. Im not saying she is a bad person, and we do get along. We are just not as close as she would like to be.
So last night while we were out for a family dinner she procceded to ask me what I was doing for my wedding day hair. I told her and she asked what salon I was going to. I told her I was having someone come to the hotel and do my hair and makeup there to avoid some stress. She then flat out said “oh do you think I could have my hair and makeup done too!?”. Of course I couldnt say no to her. I was so shocked that she had the balls to flat out say that, that I had no other choice to say ok.
I only have a maid of honor and no bridesmaids. I am paying for my mother and my Maid/Matron of Honor to get there hair and makeup done with me, a present for them both. Sort of like a fun girls day for the three of us since we are all very close. I am really not comfortable having my Future Mother-In-Law there. She adds so much stress as it is not to menton it being my wedding day! I am so lost. My fiance agrees that it was very rude of her and he doesnt know what to do either.
Do I tell her that due to the last minutness of her asking they dont have time to accomadate her (a lie) or do I just suck it up and let her invade my personal stress free getting ready time?
Any help/opinions would be greatly appreciated!!
Post # 3
Personally, I think for the sake of keeping peace, I would let her get her hair and makeup done with you ladies. However, I would probably discreetly tell the MUA and your coordinator (if you have one) that she can be a little challenging (or some other tactful way of phrasing it) and see if they can schedule her in a place/time where it minimizes your contact with her and thus minimizes stress and tension. I think since your mother will be there, it will be difficult to exclude Future Mother-In-Law without being blatantly obvious that you don’t want her there. It will be much easier to minimize contact with the help of others. I’m sure this isn’t the first time your MUA and your coordinator had to deal with challenging dynamics in the bridal party.
Post # 4
Does she have a room at the hotel? What if you sent the hair/makeup person to her room for her stuff and then had the stylists come to yours afterwards to do your mom’s and MOH’s?
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I would tell her the stylist doesn’t have the time to add another person, but you’d be happy to recommend someone else– it’s your wedding, not her’s, she needs to remember that.
Post # 6
id let mine its a great way to bond with her she is you in law after all
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
This is a tough one. My two MOHs and I are getting ours done at a salon, and I wouldn’t want my Future Mother-In-Law there. She’s a great lady, but I know she would stress me out. (We should do an e-mail swap, sounds like our Future Mother-In-Law are VERY similar!)
It sounds like she wants to be closer than you two are (also sounds familiar.) I assume you don’t want her there when you’re getting dressed, etc.- would it help to have hers done first or last? Are you in a suite, or can you say “not enough room for everyone, they’d have to come to your room.”
Post # 8
I would say that you’ve worked the schedule out for the three of you to have your hair done,
if it would work out for the stylist’s schedule that for her to have her hair done it would have to be before your already scheduled time at her room/ house.
just say that the stylist can’t get there any earlier.
I am going to ask my bridesmaid, who is my fiance’s sister, to be in charge of keeping her mother away from me while we are getting ready and making sure she doesn’t drink too much wine.
Post # 9
@jackieemma86: I would go ahead and plan your wedding as elaborate as you wish, since your family is paying for it. You can let her know you hear her wedding suggestions but you don’t have to take them.
However, as far as the hair goes, I think you should include her. I know that you don’t want to but I believe that if you don’t it’ll only cause future problems. She will probably feel left out since your mother and maid of honor are also having their hair done with you. I think she wants to be a part but doesn’t know how to exactly. Some people just don’t have social grace. Maybe you can ask her for help with certain things so she feels like she is a part? Since you are marrying her son, she’ll likely be around for a while, so it’s best to at least include her in the hair and make up.
Post # 10
Is there a way you can include her but keep the contact to a minimum? Can she go last when you will be getting dressed and ready? Or if you have a suite could she be in a different room somehow? I think excluding her will only result in hurt feelings. BUT it’s your wedding so if you think it would really really bother you to have her there, go ahead and say the stylist doesn’t have enough time because she can’t come any earlier. If you do decide to do that, make sure it’s worth it to you, and be prepared for backlash.
Post # 11
I’m sorry that you’re construing her attempts to be involved in the wedding as personal attacks, but I think that it would be inappropriate for you to tell her that she can’t use your stylist (unless, of course, the stylist is booked and can’t add that time on). She asked what salon you were going to – if you were going to a salon, and she made an appointment there, would you be as upset?
You’ll be so busy on your wedding day, and you don’t need to pay attention to her if you don’t want to. It sounds like she’s just interested in getting her hair and makeup done with everyone else and I can’t think of one good reason for you to not include her. I hope your relationship progresses with your Future Mother-In-Law after you get married.
Post # 12
Politely tell her that the MUA will be doing her in her own room because of space considerations. Your inlaws shouldn’t be hanging out with you before the ceremony anyway- they should be seeing their families and the groom.
I don’t understand everyone squawking that she should include her Future Mother-In-Law at the expense of er stress levels. She will be preparing to go down the aisle. I will only want my closest friends (BMs) my mom with me. There will be loads of people I will be “leaving out” of pre-ceremony prep but you know what? I will be spending the rest of the evening with everyone, including people who stress me out.
Post # 13
My Future Mother-In-Law did the same thing. I was gonna treat my mom for the hair and makeup. My mom never asked for any professional service done on her. I offered. None of my girls are having professional service. And it’s customary for the groom’s mom to find her own since we are doing a lot of traditions at the bride’s home in the morning.
My Future Mother-In-Law (due to can’t find one or didn’t bother to find one other than talk to ONE person at Nordstrom, plus she had no clue she has to pay extra for someone to go to her house early in the morning to get this done) kept asking me if I could sign her up on my stylist. I never offered…but she asked, so can’t say no. She even wanted to come over to my mom’s house that morning while we have all the traditions going on with everybody and get her hair/makeup done there!
So I arranged to pay extra to have my stylist go to her house instead after we are done to avoid her being at our place in the morning. I personally feel like it’s my time with my family. It’s my mom’s time with me.
I get along with Mother-In-Law OK but she stress me out at times. If money allows, I would try to see if you can arrange someone else to do it for your Future Mother-In-Law somewhere else. If she only want someone to do the hair/makeup, not because she wanted to see you before the ceremony, you can certainly arrange one for her. That way you won’t have to see her beforehand.