(Closed) FMIL hates me, advice please?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
558 posts
Busy bee

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tobrideornottobride:  YOu just need to have a conversation with SO and talk about marriage, his mom, issues, etc. 

It’s normal for people to have these conversations prior to getting engaged.

As for his mom…ew. She sounds horrible. Your SO should definitley intervene her rude, un-Christian-like remarks, and make her stop her nonsense. If he doesn’t and she affects you that much, then you may want to abort ship.

Post # 3
8902 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

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tobrideornottobride:  A crazy horrible, racist Future Mother-In-Law is bad enough but a SO that wouldn’t stand up for me let alone himself?! Maybe you are the one that can do better. Just a thought!

Post # 4
2454 posts
Buzzing bee

My fmil drove me nuts. Alot of it, has to do with how dependent my fi was on her. I’ve been taking care of myself my whole life and wasn’t used to a support system or listening to a parental opinions. She never hated me or anything like that, but I felt I always came in second compared to his mother. We eventually worked through it and once we actually started living together I have no doubts about who is first in his life. There are no doubts, I also understand why he turned to his mom so much. I’m not sure if that helps but sometimes once you mover past certain milestones, like getting engaged it might help. 

You do however, have to talk to him. He should be sticking up for you, even if it’s a simple. I like what I have mom. Etc.etc. 

Post # 6
1978 posts
Buzzing bee

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MsBeer:  Agree x100. This isn’t something I’d want to marry into. If he’s not standing up to her now, for you, chances are it’ll be a long time before he does, if ever. It’s worth talking about and giving him the chance, but there is no way your Future Mother-In-Law will change. Can you be around that the rest of your life?

Post # 7
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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tobrideornottobride:  so when you have kids, how will you feel when she is a racist in front of them and lectures your little girl to be submissive, and your husband is silent? He will want his mother to watch your children. 

Personally, there are too many differences here coupled with his unwillingness to grow a backbone, to move forward without concern. 

Post # 10
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think you should get out of it now when you can. In laws play a big role.. even bigger IF you decide to get married and have kids.

Post # 11
3384 posts
Sugar bee

You need to think long and hard about this – is your boyfriend worth his mother? If he’s not willing to cut her out of his life, then this is someone that you’ll be interacting with for the entirety of your future together. She may never treat you kindly, accept you, or love you. Is that sacrifice worth your SO? To me, it wouldn’t be – this would be a deal breaker. I’ve broken up with guys that my family didn’t like, or I didn’t enjoy his family. Family is huge to me, and I wouldn’t want either me or my SO to not get along with the other’s family.  

Fiance and I absolutely adore each other’s families, it is so awesome to not have to stress about it. In fact, my family recently moved cross country and Fiance is on a week-long vacation visiting them, without me there.  it makes my heart so full to know that my family loves him, and his loves me. 

So you have to decide, is your current situation worth it? If it is, then you need to come up with a gameplan for how to ignore her, how to encourage your SO to stand up for himself and you, and how you’re going to navigate a future with marriage and children…

Post # 13
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

The problem isn’t your Mother-In-Law its your spineless boyfriend.

To be honest, I wouldn’t be able to respect a partner who didn’t stand up for me. I’d leave, this would definitely be a dealbreaker for me.

Post # 14
19 posts
  • Wedding: September 2014

The most important thing is that your future husband have your back, even when it comes to his mom… If fact especially when it comes to her other any of his other family. It will quickly divide you if he is not. You also need to be honest about your expectations for him before marriage is on the table. 

Post # 15
270 posts
Helper bee

The red flag to me is that your SO doesn’t stand up to someone who is blatantly saying nasty and disrespectful things about the woman he loves. Is he so fearful of, or controlled by, his Mother that he can’t stand up to her? If so, that’s pretty concerning. If the criticism continues from the Mum and your partner continues to not stand up for you is this going to be acceptable for you as you picture this relationship going forward? If not, you have a choice to make- Insist he stands up to his Mum and tells her that he has made his choice and that the criticisms and nastiness need to stop or walk away and find a man who will stick up for you.

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