(Closed) FMIL having a bit of a meltdown

posted 7 years ago in Parties
  • poll: Should we decline FI's parents' offer to pay for rehearsal dinner?



    other (explain)

  • Post # 32
    7643 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I would budget for paying for your own Rehearsal Dinner, but don’t actually say anything to the future in laws unless they come to you. At least if you budget you won’t be up shit creek if worst comes to worst.

    Post # 33
    1246 posts
    Bumble bee

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    @flapperphilosopher:  I think you are being too considerate.  Prepare for the worst, but don’t enable the enablement (i.e. don’t offer to pay unless they blatantly back out). If I was your husband’s extra sister,  I would be telling my parents not to bite more than they can swallow. It seems they are really inclined to do whatever their 2nd son says. No wonder he acted so entitled about the proposal 🙁

    Post # 34
    3025 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

    View original reply
    @sara_tiara:  Whiney douche lord is my new favorite phrase!

    Post # 35
    59 posts
    Worker bee

    @flapperphilosopher:  Hmm this is a tricky situation, but after reading some of your other posts it seems like your Future Brother-In-Law is trying to upstage you and your Fiance. Honestly just from reading this post is sounds honest enough, but having his wedding on your FI’s birthday and in the same month you were planning a honeymoon? Along with insisting on an evem more extravagant engagement party than you guys had? Sounds fishy to me. Honestly it could be a weird issue of sibling rivalry. It’s not uncommon for siblings to try and upstage eachother.  And based on the reactions from your Fiance and Future Mother-In-Law you described, it seems like this is something they recongize and are used to. In regards to the rehearsal dinner money, perhaps you should discuss it more with your Fiance and FIL’s. If they are still comfortable paying, then I don’t think it would be too much of a problem. 

    Post # 37
    470 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    @flapperphilosopher:  wow, childish much? I’d sit it out. if they bring up money, you could offer to pay for the Rehearsal Dinner, but until then Id stay far, far away from it.. 

    Post # 38
    2453 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    I’m also in the camp of save now but don’t offer your Future In-Laws an easy back out. If they ask, sure, but don’t suggest it.  Really, unfortunately they are part of the problem as enablers.

    in any case, I also don’t advise just stepping back- or at least your fiancé.  Even if he doesn’t want to make it a full attack, I would make it extremely uncomfortable.  “Wow, mom and dad only spent so much on ours.  It doesn’t seem fair for you to get more.” Or “You should only use this much- that’s all we used!”  Or “Well, they can’t pay for our rehearsal dinner now, and since you’re so adamant about keeping things fair and that they need to pay for the same things, I thought I would let you know now so you can save up enough.”

    Post # 39
    1119 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    View original reply
    @flapperphilosopher:  So you’re a bit reluctant to decline your in-laws’ offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner, and they are insistent on contributing to the whole cost…

    Do you think they’d be offended if you asked them, politely and in light of recent events(!), to cover only half of the rehearsal dinner, as opposed to all of it?

    Post # 40
    534 posts
    Busy bee

    Future Brother-In-Law is a real ass. Parents do not owe their children an engagement party, wedding, or rehearsal dinner. What a brat. I’m really glad I’m not having kids. They always seems to have their hand out, no matter their age.

    As for the Rehearsal Dinner, that was very generous of them. I would politely decline the offer since now it’s “become a thing” and their bratty mooch of a son will want them to pay for his too. If you decline, they wwon’t have to pay for yours, plus his in the near future, and it sounds like they’re already covering some of the wedding. 

    Post # 41
    784 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

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    @flapperphilosopher:  I agree that this is something that your fiance needs to handle with his family.  Another option is for your fiance to talk to his brother – have a man to man and let him know honestly that money isn’t unlimited and his demands are stressing out the family.

    Post # 42
    3682 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Why are your huband’s parents afraid to tell the greedy little bastard that he can’t have everything he wants just because he’s getting married?

    Post # 43
    3680 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Someone needs to stand up to him. What he did at Christmas dinner? Planning a destination wedding on your husband’s birthday/when you had scheduled your honeymoon just because? He thinks he can get what he wants because everyone gives him exactly what he wants.

    Post # 44
    3771 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 1999

    I would plan a wedding and events that you can cover yourself in case emergencies come up and others can’t contribute- that is just a general rule I followed. Plan what you can afford and then see what happens when they bring it up.

    As far as your Brother-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law goes I think you should stay out of it and she should quit sharing all of these feeling with you and Fiance. What goes on between her and her son should stay between them and it is putting you in a position that I doubt there is very much your Future Brother-In-Law could do that wouldn’t annoy you at this point.



    Post # 45
    1832 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Does he act like this because your FIL’s never tell him no?  Why don’t they just say, “Look Skipper, we spent X amount of money on your brother’s e-party and we will spend the same amount of money on yours.”  That WOULD solve this part of the problem.

    Is he such a jerk because he is the baby and never hears NO?

    Post # 46
    1798 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I wouldn’t worry about it. If they don’t tell you that they are having trouble coming up with all of this money then I wouldn’t bring it up. Hopefully they don’t let Future Brother-In-Law get his way since he is acting like a child. Spring is coming pretty soon, so it’s not like he has to wait until July for them to throw his engagement party. If your FFIL/FMIL come to you and tell you that they are stressed about money in any way just tell them that you will pay for your Rehearsal Dinner especially since you say you can cover it. Money is a touchy subject in some families, so you don’t want to insult them by assuming they can’t afford it. 

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