Post # 1
Thanks in advance for your amazing suggestions. I apologize in advance for the rant.
Here’s the situation: We are having a rehearsal luncheon on Fri before our wedding and have been trying to keep it small. Right now the individuals invited are us, my mother, my Future Father-In-Law & FSMIL, my Future Mother-In-Law & her partner, his grandparents, our bridal party and their guests.
Both families have been extremely generous and are paying for a great deal of our wedding. My Future Father-In-Law went ahead and gave my mother all of the money for the wedding and rehearsal luncheon in advance. My Future Mother-In-Law gave a certain amount and pulled aside an amount for the rehearsal luncheon.
Our rehearsal luncheon is not going to cost anywhere near the amount that has been set aside by my Future Mother-In-Law. She has been making comments that she does have the money set aside, but is now making comments that because her friends are not coming, she doesn’t necessarily think that she needs to pay for anything (her friends were never invited to the rehearsal luncheon). She is also insisting that she be able to invite her brother (who is not involved with the ceremony) to the rehearsal luncheon. My Future Father-In-Law & FSMIL are comfortable with not inviting my FFIL’s siblings to the rehearsal, but are slightly upset that the offer to invite their siblings is not there as wedding is in less than a month (this would increase the number of people at the luncheon from 20 to 30). My Future Father-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law are currently not on speaking terms, unless what is said is unpleasant.
We are having a get together for all of the 150+ out of town guests that evening. We’ve been talking to her about having the remaining rehearsal money go towards the event on Friday which my mother has been paying for the bulk of.
Are the following things unreasonable?
1- Having my Fiance talk with his mother about the rehearsal luncheon and let her know that it is intended for those in the rehearsal?
2- Asking if she is willing to put the remaining money towards Friday night?
We’ve been trying to keep the peace among the parents for over a year now and my patience is starting to wear thin…
Post # 3
no those are NOT unreasonable an in fact exactly what should be done. When it come to dealing with unpleasant things the child of the family should be the one to discuss them….in this situation, your Fiance.
Post # 4
That sounds about right. It isn’t right that your Future Mother-In-Law offered the money, and is now withdrawing. If you still need some money for the rehearsal luncheon, figure out what that is, and have your Fiance ask her to contribute that amount, because she did offer, initially. With the help of our Future Father-In-Law, if you do not need the money she set aside for the RL, it fine to feel her out for the Out of Town event, but be prepared for her to say no. Also, if this Out of Town event isn’t something she is likely to go to or enjoy (ie. a younger scene), it might not be kosher to ask.
Post # 5
I would have your Fiance remind her that a rehearsal luncheon is attended by the core bridal party and their guests, not the guests of the payee. (But make it sound nicer!) A RL should be just the bridal party and parents, not the whole family! (Why does everyone keep thinking it’s everyone??) I think you have outlined exactly what should be done. Kudos for maturity!
Post # 6
After going through the madness wedding planning creates- I wish I would have pawned off more situations like this on my husband and not worried. I learned my lesson and no live a stress me existence (he’s not as happy though because he has to deal with them!)
Post # 7
Yes, I agree with the other posters that your fh should be the one handling this. Also, I think it is wonderful and very generous of you to have such great party for your oot guests!
Post # 8
I’m going to present a different perspective. Because my future in-laws are hosting the event, they are deciding who is coming – basically, it’s their party and they can invite who they want to. My Future Mother-In-Law wants all her extended family who will be visiting from out of town, so she decided to invite all out of town guests. But, these means all of the out-of-town guests on all sides of the family will be coming, and it makes the whole event more expensive.
If your Future Mother-In-Law thought she was hosting this party, and is agreeing to pay the cost to host it, then she should be allowed to contol the guest list (while obviously inviting people fairly on both sides of the family). If the people she wants to invite goes over the amount she’s willing to spend, she’ll have to pony up some more money somehow.