(Closed) FMIL hijaking the wedding planning

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2019

I agree, it definitely seems like your Future Mother-In-Law is using that money as leverage. She is obviously not making this just about your and your SO–which it should be. 

If she’s already spinning out of control and dangling that money over your head, I would tell her to keep her money. Because if she’s starting out like this, I really don’t forsee it getting better. She’s guilting you into getting her way, for YOUR wedding, and that’s just not right. She will continue to remind you about the money she’s spending, and try to guilt you more. 

If she has already paid for something, like you said, you have some money saved up, I would just give it to her and declare yourselves even. Because this really isn’t about her. It’s her son, but it’s not her wedding.

Post # 4
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Oh man! I had over 200 ppl at my wedding and it was way too much! You’re right, it doesnt matter if someone else pays it will throw everything off!

Post # 5
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly it will probably be easiest if you two pay for the whole thing yourselves since you can. That’s the only way I can see you shutting down this behavior.

Post # 6
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

my suggestion is dont take a dime from her so her claims to paying half the wedding and inviting how many as she wants is immediately shut down

go back to your original plan (parents garden), she had her chance to be reasonable about this but blew it – time to toughen up and plan the wedding you want

Post # 7
Member
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Yeah… Unless it is already totally spent, which it doesn’t sound like, I say have your Fiance tell her (it is his mom!) that you have decided that you will fund the wedding from your own savings and do what you want. Having 50-60 people more than the 50 already you are suggesting from her side seems insane. So don’t take the money and don’t let her  steamroll you

Post # 8
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Why not suggest they pay for the flowers?  Or the band?  Anything but the venue…

I am sorry you have to go through this.  Just remember that the wedding is about your Fiance and you and what you want and yes, it is nice to take input from the family but in the end the wedding should be a reflection of you and not your Mother-In-Law.  

Sit down with your Fiance and decide what you two want and than have a sit down with both sets of parents and say this is what we decided.  Book the venue and pay the deposit on your own and she will realize this is your wedding not hers.  GL!

 

Post # 10
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

UGH what a painnnnn.

I do think you’ll have drama if you refuse her money though.

You should really just say you want it at the garden. That’s what you REALLY REALLY wanted. You should have stuck with it. 2 hour trip each way will help those 100 guests not feel as eager to come to a stranger’s wedding.

Post # 13
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Have your Fiance talk to them again and explain that you flattered so grateful for their offer to pay for the wedding, but money is not your main concern when making planning decisions. You two are focused on celebrating your love and new life and your joint decisions will be based off of what feels right to you two, not how much something costs. With that in mind, it’d be so generous if they’d still like to contribute/give their input & ideas, but all decisions will ultimitely be made by you and Fiance. Hopefully they’ll get the message that they can’t hold their money over you to force your hand and it still feel welcome to participate in planning. Don’t let her force you & Fiance to invite people you don’t know & book a venue you’re not comfortable with. Your in-laws need to back off a bit (and maybe you two can make some decisions, like venue leading to a guest list max, without involving them?)

Post # 14
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@LadyElva:  I agree with saying no to the money, but I know what it’s like to have (or in laws) parents who would be upset about this.  The thing this, the kind of “say” that she’s insisting on having is pretty tilted in her favour, which I think needs to be pointed out.

Do you have a plan of what you would do if this were all up to you?  Inspiration boards, pictures of the town, etc?  Before I’d go throwing their money back in their face (which would be satisfying, but would probably result in lasting issues), I’d try to see if she can understand the look/feel that you and your Fiance are going for.  She’s clearly got her own image here and you need to remind her that while her input is…fine, this is your wedding.  This should be done by your Fiance.

Logic probably won’t help here, but I would tell her that you’ve talked to your family and it’s isn’t right to make your side drive all the way to your FI’s home town for the wedding.  Meeting in the middle was the plan that you came up with to keep both sides happy and to kind of compensate you for not having it at your parents place.  Frankly, I’d play a bit of her own game here and say that it has been a dream of yours to get married at your parents’ (besides it being traditional for a wedding to occur in the bride’s hometown).  You were understanding about the travel situation for older guests on your FI’s side.  You’ve compromised by the middle town with great scenery.

I would also point out (gently) that you need to make 3 sets of people happy: you, your parents, and your in laws.  

If the gentle way doesn’t work, then you need to play serious hardball.  Right now, you’re playing the wedding game.  It sucks that she’s not viewing the money as a gift as opposed to a stake, but it seems like this is a pretty normal attitude to take.  It’s not a threat to say that you (and again, this should be your Fiance that’s doing all of the talking) don’t want to be rude, but feel like your concerns, needs, wants for this event are not being taken into consideration.  I’d say something super fun like “While I appreciate and want you to be more involved then traditionally the groom’s family is, we are feeling extremely stressed and upset that our feelings are being ignored”.  It’s a bit passive aggressive, but hits home.  

Remember, that while she’s excited and you think that normally she’s a lovely person, right now she is using agrument tools that SUCK (unfair, unilateral, lot’s o’ uns) and you need to get back on an even ground.

If all else fails, refuse the money.  Deal with the backlash.  Be honest why it happened (to her) and plan the wedding without their interference.

Post # 15
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I say whatever you choose to do let your Fi take lead on dealing with his mother.

I would turn down the money if she going to keep throwing it in your face. Also at the end of the day you guys have already comprimise on location. So you should just go ahead and book the venu you like. If she has anything say have a standard response ready. Something along the lines of, This is not up for debate, we love our venu, it’s the most convient location for BOTH sets of familys, we paid our money, this is where we are getting married then change the subject. As for the guest list, your Fiance needs to lay down the law and put down his foot. Let his mother know that you guys want close friends and family there, and if anything hopefully you venu can’t hold all those people. Also have him mention that everyone else is sticking to the guestlist, and its his weddiing so she doesn’t get to make those choices.

Hopefully you can channel Future Mother-In-Law enerjy in a positive direction and give her something else to focus on during the wedding process. Also if she going to be this overbearing perhaps you should invite her to appointments after you made choices.

Post # 16
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You need to talk to her and get this under control or she will be doing this the entire wedding planning. Just do what you both want don’t listen to the parents. My Mother-In-Law was doing the same thing and I too was marring the older of her two sons and I was her first daughter and she always wanted one. Put your foot down or she may continue this for many years to come for instance when you look for a house or if you have kids. Good luck.

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