Post # 17
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
@Redholix: hey, old friend ;). So I think it’s completely fine and best for your Fiance to go alone. I wouldn’t think the same if it was a holiday etc. It is okay for parents to talk to their kids alone at times, especially to work out problems. Sometimes parents will relent “in private” with “family” only when they never would if you were around because they’d see that as you winning or them losing face.
Your Fiance needs to learn to stand up for you and for himself- you shouldnt have to be there and you being there won’t help. It sucks that anybody has to deal with it, but she’s his mom and he’s the one who let her get as out of control as she is, so he should deal with her.
(Yes, I believe that kids as they are older can and should set up boundaries and clarify what’s acceptable behavior and what’s not to train parents and prevent them from being nightmares). family can learn that they’ll respect boundaries or they will get less or no contact. It seems like your Fiance didn’t reinforce that until very recently, so his relationship with his mom is having huge growing pains to get her up to speed in a few months when it often takes years (from about age 18 or 19 to 25 or so).
He should start by declaring his love for you and how happy you make him, then tell them/her that he will end the convo and leave if she starts talking bad about you. That he will talk to her abt improving their relationship but that he will not consider ending yours or cancelling or postponing the wedding. That he will always love her and that he will always love you too, so she needs to get used to that- it isn’t either/ or. That nobody’s stealing him or tricking him- you make him happy and he is going to spend the rest of his life with you and he wants her to be happy for him. That if she can’t respect that, she can’t be in his life much.
stuff w my FI’s parents so far has been best if we go together or don’t go at all for holidays and if he goes by himself to discuss problems.
Post # 18
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
Your Future In-Laws are crazy! That being said you both need to learn to detach and disengage. When you went to that ‘dinner’, why did you stay for 5 hours of yelling?! As soon as they started to attack your relationship or either of you, you should have stood up and WALKED OUT!
It also sounds to me that they are just looking at your FH as a ‘paycheck’ and are angry with you for taking that away. These are very toxic people that would be better off out of your life however I understand your FH wants to give them one more chance because they are his family.
You need to go and support your FH and your relationship. She doesn’t want to discuss anything..she wants another chance to convince him to leave you and will use your absence for that purpose. If she wanted to work things out she would have asked for you to come as well so she(they) could apologize and start over.
I believe this will be the end of your problem if you do go together and walk out together.
Post # 19
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@Redholix: If you aren’t invited, I wouldn’t go. It’s not your home, so you can’t just show up. Maybe she legitimately wants to speak with her son. He is still allowed to have a relationship with his parents indepedent of you. You certainly should not be excluded from family events but if they want to see him the odd time then I don’t see a huge issue with that.
It sounds like this is a deeper issue and it is up to your partner to tell his parents what your place in his life is – first – and that you two are a package deal for family events. I still meet up with my dad or one of my siblings for coffee without my husband. We will always have our own relationship. However, they would never point blank exclude him.
If it comes down to it, maybe he needs to make a choice.
Post # 20
Member
9876 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I wouldn’t go, but I think they should meet at a restaurant, not at their home.
Post # 21
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
Your Fiance needs to put on his big boy pants and handle this. You shouldn’t have to be there to defend yourself. And if he can’t defend you and your relationship alone, it definitely won’t work together.
After my first time being there for a crazy convo w FPIL abt the wedding, Fiance decided he would not put me though that again and that he would go by himself to give them updates (while I would go just for non-dramatic social visits), so he could handle them and get them to act right w/o me being traumatized by the grueling process that can take when I’d never put up w similar behavior from my own relatives.
He’s let them know a few times that this the wedding he wants and I’m what he wants, that he wants them there if they can be happy for us and behave themselves and, if not, that’s their choice. Because you and I still have months before the wedding, a lot can happen. Try to give your Fiance the strength and confidence to handle this on his own. In time, he can probably resolve it mostly because his mom really really doesn’t want to miss her son’s wedding even if she’s acting like she hopes it gets cancelled.
Post # 22
Member
13951 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I wouldn’t go – I think your presence will actually cause her to get even angrier, and it won’t solve anything. If they talk alone, maybe he can figureo ut what the issue is and work through it (or start to, at least). But in this meeting, he shoudl assert that this is a one-time concession and all future meetings will include you, or they won’t happen.
Post # 23
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
Thanks for all your replies. To clarify, Future Mother-In-Law told him to come to a diner, not her home.
Like many of you said, what I anticipate her saying to my FH (other than the usual “you are the worst son in the world”) are words such as “how could you do this to us” and “do you not care about us”.
I agree that this is a deeper, more serious issue between a parent and a child – the only problem I have seen so far is that the Future In-Laws just do not listen to my FH. It seems like an endless loop of the same discussion. My FH tells them that he is a grown man and that he can make his own decision and be responsible for it -> Future In-Laws yell at him saying that he doesn’t know anything and that he is being disrespectful because he doesn’t do as they say (by their great wisdom) -> FH gets frustrated and tells them that he will listen to their advice but that doesnt necessarly mean he will “obey” to their words -> Future In-Laws claim that not obeying = disrespect, therefore he is a terrible son worthy of disowning -> go back to the beginning where FH tells his parents that he’s a grown man and that he can make his own decisions….
The same loop has been continuing for over a year now. FH “gave up” on talking to his parents because of this loop of a conversation.
I have had my share of teenager dramas with my parents (who doesn’t, really?), but I never had my parents tell me that they should disown me, that I’m not worthy, that I’m a piece of sh*t, or disrespect me as an individual.
The Future In-Laws did that to my FH – in front of me, back in March. Fine, they can do that to me, because I’m a stranger and what have they got to lose but a stranger’s respect, but I was shocked that they said those words to their own son.
That’s the last image I have of my Future In-Laws. And I’m sure that’s why I am “anticipating” only the bad things from this Friday’s meeting, whether FH goes alone or I go with him. I just can’t seem to tell which would minimize the blow on him, on me, and on us….
Post # 24
Member
3770 posts
Honey bee
I would do whatever your Fiance wants you to do, without any outside pressure form you or his mom. If he feels he can handle it and would be fine going alone, let him. I think your Father-In-Law honestly think that you are controlling their son, and maybe him going by himself once and still defending you will show that he is the one making decisions for himself.
As far as the addresses for family goes (which I know is not really the big issue here), I would find those myself, most addresses are easy enough to find these days.
Post # 25
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
@Redholix: I think the only way to move forward with this- without you having to go through the same exact behavior over again- is to go with and show Future Mother-In-Law just how much of a united front you are.
Poor FH doesn’t even want to see his mother alone because she’s that….childish I guess. With you going, you’ll both be there to support eachother, and she’ll see that you guys are a team.
I know the idea of going sucks- but do it.
Post # 26
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
@MrsPanda99: +1
He sounds like he’s trying and I love that…but in doing so he’s forcing you onto them and sometimes that just doesn’t work. He can have a relationship with his family and one with you. If they want alone time with their son, that’s fine. It’d be weird if my Fiance was there every time I wanted to hang out with my mom and dad or my sister, even though he is welcome. Let him go alone and lay down the law-you will be civil to my wife at family functions and you will respect our relationship in our presence and when I come vist alone. Period. That’s the clearest ultimatum…and it sounds like your Fiance is ready to make it. They’d be fools to keep up what they’re doing and risk losing their son when there are ways for everyone to at least tolerate each other.
Post # 27
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
@FLBlonde93: This.
While I agree on the whole “united front” thing…do you really want to be there? Do you really want to witness the drama and the shit that’s going to go down? Hear the things that she might say about you or him?
Post # 28
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
@Redholix: “My FH tells them that he is a grown man and that he can make his own decision and be responsible for it -> Future In-Laws yell at him”…
This is where your FH needs to get and say “If you are just going to yell then this conversation is over!” and then LEAVE! It is called setting a boundary…and obviously he never has and needs to…and I think he needs you there to support him to do this but make sure it is all planned BEFORE you get there. If you are only there for 5 minutes then so be it…they have made their choice and can live with it!
Believe me I do understand. I had to do this and continue to do this with my own mother. Whenever she starts to yell or try to talk about something that is not her business I just say, “I have to go now. I’m not having this conversation/argument with you” and then I hang up or leave.
Post # 29
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
Oh and there is no defending my Fiance or reasoning with my mother…it does not work! The ONLY thing that does is detaching and exiting the conversation. Period.
Post # 30
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
@Redholix: I don’t understand why your FH is agreeing to this meeting in the first place? I think he should say that if they cannot accept you as his wife, then he cannot continue a relationship with them. He should only agree to this meeting if they intend to apologize to the two of you for the big mistake they made. (And I seriously hope he has not continued to give them money – couldn’t tell from your previous post!)
Post # 31
Member
12244 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
If your Fiance has asked you to go for moral support, I would go.