(Closed) FMIL insists on meeting FH alone….

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I go to the dinner?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 47
    Member
    1772 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    could you maybe go in the car with him, with a good book to read and go to a coffee shop nearby or something.  and tell him he can take breaks to come talk to you if he needs to think/talk through things?

    Post # 48
    Member
    232 posts
    Helper bee

    @Redholix:  I don’t thin; you should go to dinner. Unless, he really wants you there for support!

    I’ve had the same issues with my Future In-Laws. It’s to the point where neither of us have seen them in about 2 months. FH’s older sister tried to pull the “talk over dinner” bs and he ended up not going. 

    There’s only so much negativity and abuse someone can take. Little does your Future Mother-In-Law know that all of her crazy antics are just pushing him away. If he really wants you to go, you should go and hang out by the bar or something for a good 20-30 min while they talk like a PP mentioned. It’s tough, especially when they don’t like or approve of you for illegitimate reasons. All you can do it love and support your FH, and be thankful he’s doing what’s right for y’all.

    I think the main issue is that it’s becoming clear that his mom is no longer the leading lady in his life. Her words are no longer the rules. A lot of mother’s have difficult coping with that. They’ll continue to push and force what they feel is right, even if it’s not really worth the hassle. It’s just a battle for control, and sadly she likely feels like she’s losing it to you. Just continue what you’re doing, and stay distant. This is a battle she needs to work out for herself. When she sees the “light” and realizes she’s destroying her relationship with your FH, she’ll act accordingly.

    P.S. I read this article that said if the FH is closer to the FWs family there’s a 20 decrease for a chance of divorce, compared to if the FW is close to his family there’s a 20 increase for a chance of divorce. Just a positive perspective for the situation 🙂

    Post # 49
    Member
    2529 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    If he told his parents he doesn’t want to go to things involving them without you, why wouldn’t you go now?

    If she makes a scene, make an agreement (decide on a mutual signal) beforehand that you and your Fiance will walk out together and stop all contact with her.

    It might provide you with a bit of closure to your fears, as well.

    And, By The Way, watch this and try it (in private) for a bit before you go for a confidence boost:
    http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html
    No joke, it really does help (even if it looks/feels stupid while you’re doing it)

    Post # 51
    Member
    7365 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    View original reply
    @Shkragoldfish:   It is okay for parents to talk to their kids alone at times, especially to work out problems. Sometimes parents will relent “in private” with “family” only when they never would if you were around because they’d see that as you winning or them losing face. 

    Your Fiance needs to learn to stand up for you and for himself- you shouldnt have to be there and you being there won’t help.

    I agree. Let him go by himself in this instance. 

    Post # 52
    Member
    1832 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I think he needs to go alone and I agree with Luayne’s advice.  He needs to go to a public place and he needs to leave immediately if they yell.

    I’m also going to say I am giving your Fiance the stink-eye here.  The last time you went through a screaming fest it haunted you and gave you anxiety/panic attacks.  Knowing this, he is asking you to go so he can prove his point of a united front?  Sorry buddy – put redholix first  here and go by yourself.

    Post # 53
    Member
    232 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    @Shkragoldfish:  Yeah that’s it! Just felt really reassuring for situations like the OPs 🙂

    Post # 54
    Member
    48 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    He shouldn’t go at all! Your adults and his parents opinion of you is obviously toxic. They probably want to talk him into calling off the wedding! Neither one of you should go

    Post # 55
    Member
    1063 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts

    I am really unsure what you need to do. I am glad he is standing up for your relationship. Some men wouldn’t want to deal with all the drama, would listen to their parents and give up the relationship. You have half the bees saying to go and the other half saying to let him go by himself. Just ask him if he is certain he wants you there and then go from there. Or neither one of you go to the diner. There has been so much conflict I doubt that she has changed since you all saw her last. Sorry you are in such a awkard position.

    Post # 56
    Member
    2965 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @Redholix:  Perhaps you could go with him but sit in the car (or browse in a shop next door) while they talk so honoring FMILs wishes (not that she deserves it or anything) but also staying close by so when Fiance needs you you’re right there?

    Post # 57
    Member
    4369 posts
    Honey bee

    I sympathize with your situation, but thinks he should go alone. He needs to show his parents he can stand up for himself, if he ever wants his parents to respect him, if that ever happens.

    Post # 58
    Member
    1341 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    View original reply
    @Redholix:  I’m just so sorry you both have to deal with this!!  Thank God your parents raised you right and you can provide love and stability for both of you.

    Post # 59
    Member
    7679 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    @Redholix:

    This is a tough one, at first I thought you should both go, but after thinking on it more, because his mother wants to meet in a public place, I think he should meet her/them? alone this time with stipulations as 

    View original reply
    @hisgirl10: stated.  I also think this puts the ball back in her court, so that she can make the decision to meet under positive circumstances (if she’s changed after 4 months?) or he can walk away if things get negative.  

    Post # 60
    Member
    536 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @Redholix:  Honey, you’re GETTING MARRIED. You go to this dinner.  You hold your head high and hold your FI’s hand and stand your ground knowing that he has your back.  It sucks the situation but its a great thing that he is supporting you. 

     

    You should MOST DEFINITELY go.

    Post # 61
    Member
    2195 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    I wouldn’t go. They may think you won’t let him go alone and it’ll breed more crazy. It sounds like your Fiance stands up for you so I would just honor crazyMIL’s wishes, and remind her to do the same for you.

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