Post # 1
So I had some issues two months ago when we were trying to finalize the guest list in anticipation of sending out STD postcards. We had some issues with Future Mother-In-Law adding random people who we do not know, but she insisted that they are very good friends of hers. I just decided at the time that it wasn’t worth it to argue about it – we explained that she really needs to talk to us about it first before going and inviting people. Me and my Fiance are paying for everything ourselves and are trying to keep the guest list small.
Fast forward to last night – we had my future in-law’s over for dessert. Future Mother-In-Law casually mentions that one of these very good friends has fallen off the radar in the past month, so Future Mother-In-Law went ahead and invited 2 more people to our wedding weekend. Evidently Future Mother-In-Law is now assuming that the original couple will not be coming to our wedding in April since she hasn’t talked to her in a month. What I’m grappling with is – they already received a STD postcard – isn’t an invitation implied? I mean, I don’t know these people at all – so I guess I shouldn’t really care – but I do.
Fiance actually did interject and tell his mom that she can’t be doing these sorts of things. It got a little heated, I just left the room to go refill my wine glass so that I wouldn’t get caught sneaking in my opinions.
I think that what Future Mother-In-Law is worried about is that she won’t have enough people to fill up a table at the wedding. And I totally get that – she wants to have people there to support her and experience it with her. We’ve sent out STD postcards’s to at least 15 couples that would be seated either at her table or at an adjoining one. I would imagine that at least half of those people would be able to make it – but who knows.
I think my course of action for this will be just to sit and wait to see if she actually sends along any names and adresses. If she does, I’ll just add them to the list. Who knows, by the time we sent out invitations in January or February, she might have a whole new group of friends to include 🙂
Post # 3
That’s too bad. Has your Fiance helped her to understand your venue and budget constraints? As she’s immediate family, you two may be comfortable disclosing that information and just seeing things from your point of view may help. – I’m always more receptive to an explanation than direction I don’t fully understand; so if you haven’t discussed the “why” she can’t keep inviting people, she really might not have figured out how stressful it could be for you.
At some point you also have to make it known that your firm date for guest list finalization is (fill in the date). And make it known throughout all parts of both your families that you will not be able to alter your guest list after that date. Beyond your deadline date you should get very used to the phrase “I’m sorry, that’s not possible.” – It will be a go-to statement when people try to get you to add (or swap) guests.
I’d be hesitant to not send an invitation to someone I had already sent a STD.
Post # 4
We’ve told her how much each guest is costing us and also told her the final date for the guest list had passed back in the beginning of August. It falls on deaf ears though – she rarely listens to what we tell her.
Not only are we paying for the Reception – we are also hosting a Welcome Cocktail hour at a local restaurant and a Farewell brunch at our hotel. We are really trying to keep things intimate so that we can spend time with the people that are most important to us. I really don’t like the idea of having people that neither of us know, but was willing to make an exception for a few of their friends.
I agree, I’m hestiant not to send out an invitation to people who already received a STD. It just doesn’t seem right. She nearly started crying last night when we explaind that we can’t just swap people out on the list, so I felt like a monster.
Post # 5
You aren’t a monster – you need to have a list and a count. But your Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t sound like she’s trying to INTENTIONALLY make your planning more difficult; so I don’t think she’s a monster either…
If it’s any consullation – I don’t think you’re obligated to invite all of FMIL’s guests to your “extra” events.
Farewell brunches are often smaller than the wedding, and unless the welcome cocktails are immediately before the wedding, there’s really no mandate to extend an invitation to EVERY guest.
It is typically considered the hostess’s job to offer hospitality for out of town guests; but if the guests are local, and you aren’t especially close to them, you’re not under any obligation to invite everyone to events that you’d rather be more intimate.
Post # 6
We are actually having a destination wedding – everyone will be invited to all events since most people will be travelling at least 5 hours to get there. Most guests will be staying over 2 nights at a hotel, so I want to ensure that we make people feel as if their attendance is appreciated. I don’t expect everyone to attend all of these events, but we wanted to be able to offer it up to everyone.
Also, it’s just more work for me to create and keep track of different invitations for specific people who are invited to only certain events. I really do want to spend as much time as possible with everyone – since some of the guests I haven’t seen for years.
I think that myself and my Future Mother-In-Law just have different ways of thinking about weddings. I was so worked up after she left our house last night because I want to her to feel good about everything that is going on, but it’s so hard for me to find a middle ground. I know as time goes on, it will only get more difficult.