(Closed) FMIL inviting randoms without my permission

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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acw2016:  You don’t have to invite everyone she wants to invite (unless maybe she’s paying for food and a venue to accommodate them all and then some). This is her mess, I urge you to go over her list with her ASAP, discuss budget, venues, and caterers, and then she can deal with it. “I’m so sorry, I spoke too soon and didn’t realize that we can’t accommodate as many people as I’d hoped.”

Post # 3
Member
3848 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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acw2016:   Please do not feel you need to invite the people she has already – incorrectly – “invited.”  One hopes that a Facebook invitation doesn’t count for much.  

You and your Fiance draw up the guest list and send written invitations.  That’s how it is, period!  

You will not look like a bridezilla for following basic etiquette and common sense – a wedding is not a backyard bring your pals barbeque.  

As far as dealing with Future Mother-In-Law, I’d suggest asking your Fiance to remind her firmly but gently to please make up a written list of guests she would like to include and you *hope* to accomodate as many as you can.

 

Post # 4
Member
845 posts
Busy bee

Not her wedding. She is not paying for this I assume. This is her mess, not your. Invite who you want.

Post # 5
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

How many people has she done this with? If it’s just the one couple and their child so far, I would invite them, but let your Future Mother-In-Law know that this is the exception, not the rule. If it’s been with multiple people, then definitely sit down to get a list of everyone she’s verbally invited and people she would like to invite. Decide from that who gets a formal invitation and work with her to find a polite way to renege the verbals.

Post # 6
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

It’s your wedding. You invite who you feel is important to you and your husband, NOT your Future Mother-In-Law. Again, it’s a wedding, not a family reunion, class reunion, work get together, etc. A WEDDING.

Post # 7
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

Preserve your good relationship with your well-meaning but clueless Future Mother-In-Law. Let your Fiance handle this with his mom.

I agree with PP’s, sit and discuss your budget with her ASAP, let her know how many people maximum you can invite. I think this will help her to realize, in a non-threatening way, that there are limits. 

If she pushes to continue inviting random people, I would have your Fiance ask her point blank if she can help cover costs of the rising budget due to her inviting more and more people. 

Post # 8
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’d tell her right now that you don’t have a budget or a venue picked out which needs to be done before you decide who is invited. Then sit down with your Fiance and figure those two things out. If she is paying she will have more of a say, but if you are paying you and your Fiance have final say. Please do not be afraid to put your foot down and say no. If you keep saying yes she might continue to walk all over you.

I let my mom invite a few people she wanted that I did not, and I had to knock some of my friends off of the guest list to accomodate hers. It’s getting close to my rsvp deadline and I have a feeling I am going to have to chase down her friends because none of them have bothered to rsvp yet….

Post # 9
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Will you ever have to see or deal with these people again?  If not, then it would only be awkward for her if you say no way can she invite them.  Though you should really have your Fiance tell her that, it shouldn’t be you.  Do keep in mind that although things might individually not be a big deal, ff you give in to everything to her now it is going to set a very bad precedent for your future relationship with her.  You may feel like you shared your day with her and her friends without any acknowledgment or thanks, because I doubt she will be grateful.

Post # 10
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee

Who is paying?

Post # 13
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee

Just invite who you want to and let her deal with her mess. And agree with PPs, have Fiance deal with her. I actually get along with my Future Mother-In-Law but the resentment at her making passive aggressive suggestions / changes has pushed me over the edge. 

Post # 14
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I understand your situation! My Future Mother-In-Law told everyone about our wedding, she gave me a list of over 100 people and Fiance told her we would include who we had room for. After invitations were sent out, she asked me to tell her who from her list we had invited so she could avoid embarrassment. Fine. Makes sense. Then she told me I had to invite any I hadn’t invited….even telling Fiance he had to personally call some…I caved to keep the peace but my parents are now paying for 40 more people! 

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