Post # 1
After reading all of the horror stories on here regarding FMILs, I am extremely lucky that I get along with mine. She doesn’t have any daughters and treats me like her own kid. We’ve never had any issues. With that said, I would like to add that she is very sensitive & tends to take things the wrong way. This is why I want advice as how to handle this situation.
Got engaged after 5 years, it was a long time coming, she was obviously thrilled & posted about it on her Facebook. I posted too, no big deal. From her post, she had a lot of people saying congrats, & then she would follow up with publicly commenting back saying “You’re coming! Tell your parents they’re coming!” Blah blah blah. To me, this is rude to some people who are seeing the post & then her comments with inviting people. I had a discussion with her the night we got engaged to not invite people on Facebook bc it’s awkward for one of her Facebook friends to see that invite & think “So & so was invited but I wasn’t?”
So even after I politely mentioned I didn’t want her inviting people without my permission (my fiance has said this to her as well), she told me that she invited these people who are her good friends. Then she told couple they could bring their 20-something year old kids, and their daughter was jumping for joy that she was invited to a wedding. I’ve never met this couple, but my fiance has met them, so that part is totally fine. But what I’m struggling with here is that she is telling her friends they can bring their adult children… Bc at this point I have to send them an invite or it’s going to look like I’m a bridezilla. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I’m not sure how to politely tell her she can’t just blurt out “Oh yeah you’re invited! Don’t worry!”
We need to sit down & go over her “A” list & “B” list, but for now, I’m feeling like I have to invite all of these extras bc she told them herself they’re invited. Thoughts?
Post # 2
You don’t have to invite everyone she wants to invite (unless maybe she’s paying for food and a venue to accommodate them all and then some). This is her mess, I urge you to go over her list with her ASAP, discuss budget, venues, and caterers, and then she can deal with it. “I’m so sorry, I spoke too soon and didn’t realize that we can’t accommodate as many people as I’d hoped.”
Post # 3
Please do not feel you need to invite the people she has already – incorrectly – “invited.” One hopes that a Facebook invitation doesn’t count for much.
You and your Fiance draw up the guest list and send written invitations. That’s how it is, period!
You will not look like a bridezilla for following basic etiquette and common sense – a wedding is not a backyard bring your pals barbeque.
As far as dealing with Future Mother-In-Law, I’d suggest asking your Fiance to remind her firmly but gently to please make up a written list of guests she would like to include and you *hope* to accomodate as many as you can.
Post # 4
Not her wedding. She is not paying for this I assume. This is her mess, not your. Invite who you want.
Post # 5
How many people has she done this with? If it’s just the one couple and their child so far, I would invite them, but let your Future Mother-In-Law know that this is the exception, not the rule. If it’s been with multiple people, then definitely sit down to get a list of everyone she’s verbally invited and people she would like to invite. Decide from that who gets a formal invitation and work with her to find a polite way to renege the verbals.
Post # 6
It’s your wedding. You invite who you feel is important to you and your husband, NOT your Future Mother-In-Law. Again, it’s a wedding, not a family reunion, class reunion, work get together, etc. A WEDDING.
Post # 7
Preserve your good relationship with your well-meaning but clueless Future Mother-In-Law. Let your Fiance handle this with his mom.
I agree with PP’s, sit and discuss your budget with her ASAP, let her know how many people maximum you can invite. I think this will help her to realize, in a non-threatening way, that there are limits.
If she pushes to continue inviting random people, I would have your Fiance ask her point blank if she can help cover costs of the rising budget due to her inviting more and more people.
Post # 8
I’d tell her right now that you don’t have a budget or a venue picked out which needs to be done before you decide who is invited. Then sit down with your Fiance and figure those two things out. If she is paying she will have more of a say, but if you are paying you and your Fiance have final say. Please do not be afraid to put your foot down and say no. If you keep saying yes she might continue to walk all over you.
I let my mom invite a few people she wanted that I did not, and I had to knock some of my friends off of the guest list to accomodate hers. It’s getting close to my rsvp deadline and I have a feeling I am going to have to chase down her friends because none of them have bothered to rsvp yet….
Post # 9
Will you ever have to see or deal with these people again? If not, then it would only be awkward for her if you say no way can she invite them. Though you should really have your Fiance tell her that, it shouldn’t be you. Do keep in mind that although things might individually not be a big deal, ff you give in to everything to her now it is going to set a very bad precedent for your future relationship with her. You may feel like you shared your day with her and her friends without any acknowledgment or thanks, because I doubt she will be grateful.
Post # 11
Just one couple with their two adult children (in their 20s). As far as I know, nothing else.
I will never see these people again, especially their adult children. Maybe I can get away with sending the couple an invitation that says “We have reserved ___two____ seats in your honor” ? Or is that totally rude? Or I could let this one slide & tell her we cannot accommodate anymore random people.
Post # 12
My family is paying. Fiance’s family is doing rehearsal dinner, and contributing 5k to our honeymoon. I totally respect his parents, & would never want to hurt their feelings. But they know that I don’t have a budget for my wedding, so they probably don’t see an issue with inviting a lot of people isn’t an issue. But my venue fits 270 comfortably. Anymore than that, they start to put tables out on the grass, which is totally separate from my half indoor/half outdoor reception area. So that is totally awkward & rude if I were to do that, imo.
Post # 13
Just invite who you want to and let her deal with her mess. And agree with PPs, have Fiance deal with her. I actually get along with my Future Mother-In-Law but the resentment at her making passive aggressive suggestions / changes has pushed me over the edge.
Post # 14
I understand your situation! My Future Mother-In-Law told everyone about our wedding, she gave me a list of over 100 people and Fiance told her we would include who we had room for. After invitations were sent out, she asked me to tell her who from her list we had invited so she could avoid embarrassment. Fine. Makes sense. Then she told me I had to invite any I hadn’t invited….even telling Fiance he had to personally call some…I caved to keep the peace but my parents are now paying for 40 more people!
Post # 15
Yeah that is just insane. That is what I’m trying to avoid. I called her today & I asked her to make her “A” list & “B” list but she seemed really surprised when I told her there was room for her to invite 20 people. AND We already have 20 of her friends that my fiance & I have met… So I thought giving her 20 more was very generous… right??