Post # 1
So my wedding isn’t for another 2 years but I’m trying to be really organized and regardless, I’ve had my ideas for a dream wedding in my mind forever and am just really excited to start planning.
So yesterday we finally head over to FMIL’s house (which we try to avoid as much as possible) and I actually was kind of excited to share all my plans with her. So I start showing her pics for the venue, colours, cake, dresses etc. What does she do? Tell me she doesn’t like any of them!! Everything I showed her she made this disapproving face and just nodded and said oh. Then she would say “why don’t you do this instead, it’ll look nicer” to almost every thing I had planned! We are having a beach themed wedding so I found this perfect hotel that has palm trees and waterfalls inside in an atrium for the ceremony and she just hated it. She said we should have it at this old historic building, and I pointed out that the beach theme didn’t really work there with all the antiques everywhere and she said “well is a beach theme really necessary?” with such a rude tone. Ugh, yes it’s necessary because thats my dream wedding and we got engaged on a beach so it’s meaningful to us! We wanted a steel drum band to play at the cocktail hour and she said that was weird and a piano would be classier. She said she hoped those weren’t the bridesmaid dresses we were actually picking when I showed them to her. She also started listing off all these people that we weren’t allowed to sit next to her! I’m going to have to give her her own table at this point!
I think the thing that annoyed me the most though was that when I told her about the photographer I liked she started talking about how she was going to make sure he got enough good shots of her because at her other sons wedding there weren’t enough pictures of her! I understand wanting to have photos with your sons, but the way she was saying it was like she already had a plan to boss around the photographer and tell him what to do! Which she does on a regular basis so I wouldn’t be surprised! I’m going mad because she doesn’t understand that this is OUR day NOT hers and the photographer is there to take our picture, with our friends and family, not her picture with them!
I really really DO NOT want her to come dress shopping with me because I’m terrified I will find my dream dress and have her say its ugly or something 🙁 But she doesn’t have any daughters of her own so I think she would get really angry if I didn’t invite her 😛
I know that no matter what it’s impossible to please everyone but honestly I’m just really hurt right now because I was so excited about everything I had planned, it was coming together perfectly, and then to just hear her rip apart everything sayings its tacky or not classy enough really really hurt.
Thanks to anyone who actually read all of that, I just needed to vent for a bit 🙁
Post # 3
Yeesh, sorry girl. Just remember that it is you and your FI’s day. Repeat it as many times as you have to. Maybe you could even have Fiance say something to her, like, to tone it down a bit and be more excited?
As far as dress shopping goes… just don’t invite her? I dunno, I looked at dresses 4 times with various friends, my mom, my sis, etc. and just never thought to ask her to go. It could just slip your mind… 😉
Post # 4
I didn’t even think to ask my Mother-In-Law, I mean she honestly doesn’t care to go to the dress shopping. I wouldn’t share any more information with her and to be fair to the photographer warn him of what might happen and tell him he’s allowed to ignore her if she starts bossing him around, because she’s not footing the bill.
Post # 5
That sucks – but I think it’s a clear sign to you not to share details of your planning with her. Many FMILs aren’t really involved in the planning, so there’s nothing wrong with keeping wedding discussions very high level. There’s really no reason to bring her dress shopping with you – if you do, it’s almost like you’re asking to be criticized!!
Don’t stress too much about this and remember that in aesthetic issues like theme, decor, etc what matters is your opinion and your FI’s! It would be great if your families were excited and supportive too, but you wouldn’t be the first bride with a critical mother or Future Mother-In-Law 🙂
Post # 6
Oh man, the next two years might be rough. If I were in this situation though, I would take this as a lesson learned. You tried to include her and she was rude, belittled what you liked. From here on out, I wouldn’t volunteer any information. She’ll inevitably ask, but just know that she’s going to be difficult. Don’t let doubt seep in, what you want is what you should have, don’t let her control that. Oh, and I would NOT let her come dress shopping with you. Sorry, that might be wrong. But that is a special day, you want people that care about you with you. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 7
Thanks so much everyone! I was having a really rough day and started second guessing everything and was about to start over from scratch, but you guys are right. It’s not her day, its ours, so I need to just stay focused on that and make sure I stick to what I would like for my wedding. Thanks for cheering me up 🙂
Post # 8
I agree with all. The one thing you can control is how you react to all her negativity. Brush off her comments and go forward with your plans. Remember that she is probably not going to like anything you do, even if you changed it all to suit her, she’d not be happy, some people just are negative about everything. Practice saying “I’m sorry you don’t like that or agree with us..” and smile and say, “It will be such a wonderful day.” And then have your wonderful day.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this 🙁 Honestly though, I wouldn’t take her dress shopping with you. I would bring her to see the dress once you have positively decided along with a couple of other people that you know would support you – maybe bring her prior to placing the order though so she feels like she is being helpful choosing even though no matter what in your head you’ll already know you’re getting it no matter what.
That’s what I ended up doing with dress shopping. At first I was bringing all the people close to me, but there were just too many opinions. Finally I just went with my mom and looked around and ended up finding the one. After I found it, then I brought everyone back to see it. I placed the order that day 🙂
Post # 10
First of all, I have to say that your theme/ideas sound AWESOME! The steel drum band? How cool is that? Can I come? LOL That woman is crazy, your wedding sounds like it is going to be so much fun!
From now on I would only tell her what you have decided to do, not what you are considering doing. Take her out of the equation. It will be easier to deal with her pouting because she was left out than let her make you second guess your (obviously) awesome ideas. Also, I would fend her off for the next year by saying “Oh I’m giving the wedding planning a break for a while.” Even if you’re not. Just fake it! You’re not really expected to have it all planned now anyways. But it’ll give you some time and space to develop your concept free of her criticism.
And don’t bother taking her dress shopping at all. Just let her know after you’ve purchased the dress what it’ll look like. Sounds like she’ll be negative no matter what, so take EVERYTHING she says with a grain of salt and ignore her! Crazy lady.
Post # 11
I am really sorry that you are having such troubles with your FMIL! I really do hope things improve before your wedding.
For now, I would no longer ask her for her opinion. If she wants to know about something, then just tell her what you have chosen. I have a hard time dealing with negativity, or even what I assume will be/is negativity (even when it’s not), so I know how you feel right now. It’s best to not let it bother you.
I agree with MightySapphire, when someone asks me about something that I fear I will be judged on, I just tell them I don’t know yet or haven’t thought about it! One time my Fiance screwed that up though and said, “Karina, you DID choose the colour scheme!” This was really early on, and I feared judgment at that point. So just let your Fiance in on the fact that you do not want to share things with Future Mother-In-Law, and you can always pretend you haven’t done it yet. 🙂
Or just be honest and say “This is how it will be.” But you have to have the right personality to do that so that you don’t come off as rude.
Post # 12
Thanks for all the great advice!
The funny thing was that when we were telling her, it was never open for discussion or her input. We were simply telling her this is what we picked and just showed her a picture so she would know. lol Lesson learned though! She’s always been super critical but I guess we were silly in hoping she might tone it down when it related to our wedding. Oh well, everyone’s right, she doesn’t need to know everything so I guess she just won’t lol. And thanks for the great advice for how to deal with dress shopping, I’m definitely less stressed about it now!
I’m just going to continue planning everything without her bercause all the BM’s and my parents love the idea and that is good enough for me 🙂 Just had a bad day after hearing the negative feedback from her but you’ve all done a great job of reminding me that that doesn’t matter! 🙂
Thanks Bees! You’re all awesome! 🙂