(Closed) FMIL is already trying to take over :( Long vent sorry!

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yeesh, sorry girl.  Just remember that it is you and your FI’s day.  Repeat it as many times as you have to.  Maybe you could even have Fiance say something to her, like, to tone it down a bit and be more excited?

As far as dress shopping goes… just don’t invite her?  I dunno, I looked at dresses 4 times with various friends, my mom, my sis, etc. and just never thought to ask her to go.  It could just slip your mind… πŸ˜‰

Post # 4
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I didn’t even think to ask my Mother-In-Law, I mean she honestly doesn’t care to go to the dress shopping. I wouldn’t share any more information with her and to be fair to the photographer warn him of what might happen and tell him he’s allowed to ignore her if she starts bossing him around, because she’s not footing the bill.

Post # 5
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

That sucks – but I think it’s a clear sign to you not to share details of your planning with her. Many FMILs aren’t really involved in the planning, so there’s nothing wrong with keeping wedding discussions very high level. There’s really no reason to bring her dress shopping with you – if you do, it’s almost like you’re asking to be criticized!! 

Don’t stress too much about this and remember that in aesthetic issues like theme, decor, etc what matters is your opinion and your FI’s! It would be great if your families were excited and supportive too, but you wouldn’t be the first bride with a critical mother or Future Mother-In-Law πŸ™‚ 

Post # 6
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Oh man, the next two years might be rough.  If I were in this situation though, I would take this as a lesson learned.  You tried to include her and she was rude, belittled what you liked.  From here on out, I wouldn’t volunteer any information.  She’ll inevitably ask, but just know that she’s going to be difficult.  Don’t let doubt seep in, what you want is what you should have, don’t let her control that.  Oh, and I would NOT let her come dress shopping with you.  Sorry, that might be wrong. But that is a special day, you want people that care about you with you.  Good luck!  πŸ™‚

Post # 8
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I agree with all.  The one thing you can control is how you react to all her negativity.  Brush off her comments and go forward with your plans.  Remember that she is probably not going to like anything you do, even if you changed it all to suit her, she’d not be happy, some people just are negative about everything.  Practice saying “I’m sorry you don’t like that or agree with us..” and smile and say, “It will be such a wonderful day.”  And then have your wonderful day.Wink

Post # 9
Member
2083 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this πŸ™ Honestly though, I wouldn’t take her dress shopping with you. I would bring her to see the dress once you have positively decided along with a couple of other people that you know would support you – maybe bring her prior to placing the order though so she feels like she is being helpful choosing even though no matter what in your head you’ll already know you’re getting it no matter what.

That’s what I ended up doing with dress shopping. At first I was bringing all the people close to me, but there were just too many opinions. Finally I just went with my mom and looked around and ended up finding the one. After I found it, then I brought everyone back to see it. I placed the order that day πŸ™‚

Post # 10
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

First of all, I have to say that your theme/ideas sound AWESOME!  The steel drum band?  How cool is that?  Can I come?  LOL  That woman is crazy, your wedding sounds like it is going to be so much fun!

From now on I would only tell her what you have decided to do, not what you are considering doing.  Take her out of the equation.  It will be easier to deal with her pouting because she was left out than let her make you second guess your (obviously) awesome ideas.  Also, I would fend her off for the next year by saying “Oh I’m giving the wedding planning a break for a while.”  Even if you’re not.  Just fake it!  You’re not really expected to have it all planned now anyways.  But it’ll give you some time and space to develop your concept free of her criticism.

And don’t bother taking her dress shopping at all.  Just let her know after you’ve purchased the dress what it’ll look like.  Sounds like she’ll be negative no matter what, so take EVERYTHING she says with a grain of salt and ignore her!  Crazy lady.

Post # 11
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am really sorry that you are having such troubles with your FMIL! I really do hope things improve before your wedding.

For now, I would no longer ask her for her opinion. If she wants to know about something, then just tell her what you have chosen. I have a hard time dealing with negativity, or even what I assume will be/is negativity (even when it’s not), so I know how you feel right now. It’s best to not let it bother you.

I agree with MightySapphire, when someone asks me about something that I fear I will be judged on, I just tell them I don’t know yet or haven’t thought about it! One time my Fiance screwed that up though and said, “Karina, you DID choose the colour scheme!” This was really early on, and I feared judgment at that point. So just let your Fiance in on the fact that you do not want to share things with Future Mother-In-Law, and you can always pretend you haven’t done it yet. πŸ™‚

Or just be honest and say “This is how it will be.” But you have to have the right personality to do that so that you don’t come off as rude.

Good luck!!!

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