(Closed) FMIL is driving me nuts! Ugh! Vent!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Yikes!  That would bug me sooooo much. 

First of all – I wouldn’t use ANYTHING she gave you, if you don’t want to.

Second, I would write my own thank you’s and toss her’s.

Third – you know she’s a snooper – so, either stop having her take care of your daughter at your house… or start locking stuff up!  

Other than that, just take her advice/gifts, etc as well-meant thoughts and try to start setting up some boundaries of your own.  Just because she gives something to you or suggests something does not mean you have to follow it.  If she gets upset about it, that’s when you tell her the truth:  I appreciate your gesture/gift/idea, but we decided to do something else.  END OF STORY.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@oracle: *LOVE*  (WB really needs these buttons, lol.)

 

@7-9-11bride: I second what Oracle said.  You don’t have to use ANY of that stuff and if she doesn’t like it, tough.  You neither asked nor demanded any of it.  Quite the opposite!!!

As for talking to her, don’t worry about what it will “look like”.  She needs boundaries set and NOW.  If your Fiance isn’t going to do it, then do it yourself.  And if your Fiance HAS talked to her and she’s STILL doing it, talk to her YOURSELF.

I did this with my FI’s parents towards my kids and, whereas she didn’t listen to my Fiance, they listened to ME.  (Of course, I also talked to my FI’s DAD and not his MOM.  I did anger his dad some -oh, well-, I did get the problem eliminated.).  

Either way, talk to either FFMIL or Future Father-In-Law.  OR BOTH.  Sometimes you gotta pull the husband into the situation to reign in the wife.  (in reference to your future in-laws, of course! LOL!).

good luck!!! and sorry you gotta deal with this!

Post # 5
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I wouldn’t use any of it. Other people don’t buy you these things as gifts, unless they are trying to control the situation, and regardless of how nice she is, this is over the top.

Post # 6
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with oracle… you need to set boundries.  But I also think that she shouldnt be snooping.  If she geuninely is, you should leave her a note- or a dildo- something to tell her that is your private space and she needs to respect it and you. 

As for her gifts, maybe you could appease her someway, by using the cake topper at the rehersal dinner some how- or incorporating it and the unity candle into the decore on the guest book or present table- (obviously not the cake).  Is the pillow personalized too?  If not, see if you can re-gift it to a bride in need, or if your Bridesmaid or Best Man can use it somehow in her design- maybe she can “fix” it, so that it is the same pillow, just made “you”.   

Good luck.  Maybe things will settle down after the wedding.   She may just be having an “Im losing my son” pre-wedding freak out.  I say cut her some slack… for now….

Post # 7
Member
3364 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’d toss it! It wasnt apart of your plan so dont worry or stress it!

And I agree with Oracle about everything else! Make your boundaries known now before the wedding!

Post # 8
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think it’s time for Fiance to say something to his mother. One of those I could deal with, but all together? Crazy shit, and he needs to do something about it.

Post # 9
Member
46333 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s hard to deal with someone who actually thinks they are helping.

I agree that you should not have to use things that are not your choice in your wedding.

However, sometimes there is a compromise that can help keep relations calm between you and the Future Mother-In-Law.

Would you consider having a side table at the reception with the inlaws’, your parents’, and maybe even grandparents’ wedding pictures, and using those things as decor on that table- seeing that they are old fashioned anyway?

That way she gets to see them at your wedding but they’re not in your wedding pictures.

Post # 10
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Man, I thought my Future Mother-In-Law was a pain in my ass. I agree with Oracle. I would not use any of the things she got you for your wedding, including the Thank You cards. It’s YOUR DAY, and YOU AND YOUR Fiance get to make the decisions, not her. It’s like she is trying to weasle her way in and try to get you do use her ideas. Maybe it’s her way of feeling needed, but she is going about it all wrong.  As far as her snooping through your stuff, telling you how to be a wife to Fiance, I would just either find another babysitter or set some serious boundries. If you don’t start now, you won’t be able to later, and it will only get worse. Don’t stress, just focus on your plans, and what you have to do, and try not to disclose too much info about it. I’ve been leaving my Future Mother-In-Law out of my wedding plans and when she does ask me questions, I give her vague answers. It’s terrible, but It’s the only way for me to stay sane throughout this whole process. Good luck:)

Post # 12
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@7-9-11bride: the answer to the cake topper question is easy, just don’t use it. You don’t need to explain why, just don’t use it. I used to be the same way; I would feel bad about huring other peopele’s feelings, and trying to find a polite way to tell them. Now, I have reached that point where I don’t give a hoot. I’ve been burned too many times by being nice to people. So, my new mantra is: I am going to do what I want when I want, and where I want, and I don’t owe anyone an explaination. If anyone has a problem about it, then they will have to deal with me. Since you are paying for most of the wedding, you are in control not her. Always remember that from now until your day. Don’t let anyone manipulate your plans. 

Post # 13
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@7-9-11bride: maybe you could kinda sorta accidentally on purpose forget it the day or?  Or maybe “loose it” closer to the day?  (and definitely tell everyone at the venue “NO CAKETOPPER NO MATTER WHAT!!!”.  πŸ˜‰ )

Post # 15
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@7-9-11bride:  if you use that stupid cake topper, you will hate all of your cake pictures for the rest of your life.  Just tell her ‘thank you’, but you already have something in mind.  You could even offer to give it back to her, so she can get her money back. πŸ˜‰

I understand that you don’t like to make waves, and feel like you don’t have a backbone, but this isn’t about making waves or creating a scene.  Complying with people on things you don’t want to do is not a good thing.  Understanding what YOU want and communicating it, IS a good thing.  TRUST ME ON THIS!  It will do you, your future husband, and your marriage a ton of good.

On a side note:  during the height of my wedding-planning crazy, I started to think that all the drama/angst, etc is to help prepare you for marriage and build your own communication skills.  I really think it’s times like this that can be used for the greater good of building a foundation for your new life together as a couple!!   GO FOR IT, GIRL!  You can do it!!!!

Post # 16
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@7-9-11bride: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this: is it possible this is stuff SHE wanted for HER wedding but didn’t get????  

’cause that’s how her behavior sounds to me!  

My mother is currently of the “you should go to the justice of the peace and get married. I did!” view but is wavering with the “you aren’t having a traditional white gown?  But you said you were gonna wear that one you were given!  Why not?” view. (uh, mom, the gown would cost WAY too much in alterations and IT DOESN’T MATCH THE THEME!!!!! besides, my wedding, not yours, DEAL WITH IT!)

Hmmmm…. want me to talk to your Future Mother-In-Law for you? πŸ˜‰  i’m pretty open and cheerful about telling the mom what’s what! πŸ˜‰ (of course, I doubt your future mom-in-law would be talking to me afterwards, either! LOL!)

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