Post # 1
Let me just say 1) sorry this is so long and 2) except for the wedding planning Future Mother-In-Law has been really great and welcoming to me BUT…..
So I posted a while back about the “Circus Tent” that we were going to end up renting because of Future Mother-In-Law guest list… I had put off writing this since this weekend when it blew up again because I thought maybe I’m too close to the situation… maybe if I give myself some time to cool off…. maybe …. well 3 days later and I’m still so upset and literally sick to my stomach over the whole thing. Here’s a brief recap…
When we got engaged 6 months ago we told our families that we wanted to have 50-100 people TOPS. Well I still do not have an actual hard copy guest list from his mother but she keeps saying there’s all these people (like 250) that we ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO INVITE but Easter weekend she dropped the bomb on us. Now Fiance has told his mother on NUMEROUS occasions that we want to keep it small. He did this past weekend as well but she is INTENT on doing what she wants to do whether we like it or not. She told us that her list alone… not including his 2 grandmother’s separate lists was over 200. She reminded us again that WE HAVE TO INVITE THESE PEOPLE! He said again that we did not even want that many people at the wedding! She got upset and said that they had to be invited and that if we didn’t invite them she would make her own invitations and invite them herself.
Additionally, she has been name dropping the same place her and Future Father-In-Law got married and we’ve also told her that IF we get married in a church (which we don’t want to do…. not because we’re some kind of heathens or something haha just we are very outdoorsy and want to be outside… my minister is marrying us though) but if we get married in a church we’re going to get married in my church. She has been doing it in an underhanded way which makes me wonder if she thinks I’m a moron which makes me mad as well but that’s another post entirely. Also, she’s allergic to flowers (not really) and has said that we absolutely CANNOT have flowers. Also, she asked me about my dress and I told her that I didn’t have it yet but some of the ones I’m looking at are very beautiful and I’m excited to go see. All she said was… what color? It better be white! Don’t you dare think of getting a dress any color other than white! WTH?!?! It’s MY dress!! And by the way the color of the dress has nothing to do with purity and all that it’s the veil (which I’m not wearing one of those either haha) but I’m VERY PALE and white absolutely does NOT look good on me!
His family is not paying for anything and at first my mom said that if they would help then great but now she’s so livid that she said not one red cent that etiquette doesn’t traditionally call for and even then we may not let them pay for it because she already thinks she has a say and if we let them pay she’ll definitely think she has a say.
Fiance and Future Father-In-Law both had words with her this weekend about how this was our wedding and she wasn’t respecting our wishes and she just laughed and brushed it off. I swear like I said all this happened on Easter and I told Fiance that joy might have come in the morning but hell came in the afternoon. My mother and I are trying to be the polite southern women that we are haha but my mother is about to put her foot down and say look here’s the way it’s going to be! FI and I have even threatened to elope and she told us that we couldn’t elope and that she knew we wouldn’t (which honestly we don’t want to but literally I’m just ready for it to be overwith and that’s HORRIBLE that I should feel this way about my own wedding!) My mom and my family of course want to be there but my mom told me that if we chose to elope then she would support us because she knew how the stress was getting to me. I don’t know what to do Bees… I don’t want to be the b**** DIL but I’ve expressed my wishes politely… Fiance not so politely and she still does what she wants to do. I need advice or something… haha I’m at my wits end! So is Fiance because he’s trying to stand up for us but it’s no use. I don’t know what to do! Anybody else in the same boat or any ideas on how to handle it? Thanks so much!
Post # 3
OH and told me that both of Fiance sisters had to be in the wedding… which I had already asked both of them even though I’m not great friends with either one of them… which also means if we’re able to pull off the 50 people only I have one person too many and it’s not even someone that I’m close to but she called me and said that they HAD TO be bridesmaids. Period. The End. Last I checked, it was a nice gesture but not a requirement and up to the BRIDE who was going to be her maids… I mean am I being horrible here? I am so stressed out from all this junk!
Post # 4
@Mrs.Pinkalicious: I would tell her that when you get her guest list you will only invite the first x number of people and all the rest will not get invites.
I’d also say (or have your FI/FFIL say) that on the wedding day you will have security checking EVERYONE’s names. If they are not on the list they are NOT allowed to be at the wedding or reception.
Hopefully the though of having her guests turned away by a bouncer will be too embarrassing for her and she’ll back off.
I’m really sorry about this!
Post # 5
All I can say is wow!!!
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. From what you have stated, you and your Fiance have done all you can do to put things in perspective for her. I strongly suggest taking your mom up on her offer and having her take care of it. Maybe hearing things from someone closer to her own age will help her see the light.
Post # 6
Oh My. I have never even HEARD of something this intense. Don’t back down, not for one second. It’s your wedding and it should be how you want it (And Fiance too, but he seems to be in agreement.) I definitely agree w the security guard, and maybe don’t tell her WHERE the wedding will be until she actually gets an invite, that way she will have less chance to “make her own invites”. (The fact that she even said that shows just how out of control she is.)
I agree, don’t let her pay anything, thank God your parents agree with that! This person is clearly UNREASONABLE. That means you can’t reason with them, so don’t even try. Just plan it your own way and TELL her how its going to be.
Good luck! Keep us updated!
Post # 7
It sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law could be besties with Future Mother-In-Law…they seem to have the same crazy ideas.
The silver lining is all of this is that your Fiance and Future Father-In-Law are on your side.
I wouldn’t tell her anything about your plans. Not where it is, what colors, dresses, nothing.
How does she not get that what she is doing is wrong??
Post # 8
On second thought, elope! Or better yet, have a tiiiiiny destination wedding. I am kind of wishing I had decided to do the same, just for financial reasons! But ah well!
Save yourself the stress! I feel so bad for you!
I would pick a gorgeous place (beach, woods, mountains, whatever you prefer) and invite immediate family plus like 2 or 3 best friends each and that’s it. Imagine how gorgeous it would be!
Sorry, I’ll stop telling you what to do now. 🙂
Post # 9
If you, Fiance, and Future Father-In-Law are all on the same page, she’ll have no choice but to fall in line eventually. She sounds like one heck of an attention seeker, trying to generate all this commotion.
The other day, someone posted a “I’m sorry, that’s just not possible” mantra in a thread about +1s. Perhaps you all need to have a mantra with her so that she finally gets it?
Good luck, honey. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!
Post # 10
Thanks so much everyone! I knew all this sounded crazy but then I thought well maybe it’s not as bad as I think but I’m glad to know you guys think it’s crazy too!
@RomaBride: That is totally what we want to do! Immediate family only and a HANDFUL of close friends! Even if we invite only parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and 1ST cousins, and close friends it’s under 50. I seriously think she’s digging up dead relatives to invite or if she’s ever met them in her life then they have to come. I don’t know what the deal is?!?! I am very close to the people I work with and could absolutely invite all them but we’ve decided TOGETHER that’s not what we want. Ugh! I still don’t know what we’re going to do. I think after our work week settles down that this weekend we are going to have a LONG talk about how we’re going to handle this situation. I don’t want to put him in the middle but he doesn’t want this either.
@KatNYC2011: I have seriously considered the bouncers hahaha My mom and I were talking about it just yesterday. We finally decided no but we did joke about it for awhile. I’m literally to the crazy point myself!
@noritake22: My mom really is about to just call her and put the good word to her whether I say she can or not. My mom is just as p’d as me if not more!
@PinkPinstripes: She knew the initial plans but all that’s changed now and I decided on Easter I wasn’t telling her s*** after all this! At first I thought, oh she’s just trying to help but now she’s just trying to take over without offering anything but misery.
@Jeannine @ Small Chic: Totally stealing this!!! “I’m sorry that’s just not possible.” 🙂 I know that Bridezillas is at least somewhat staged and I think that it definitely goes to the extreme and frankly can be downright trashy at times but I don’t think she understands how close I am to going Bridezilla on her! I’ve been trying to be the polite DIL because I can totally see this as something she holds against me FOR YEARS!!! but I can’t handle much more of this!