(Closed) FMIL is making me look bad. Help!

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
7295 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i think you have to be firm and tell her you feel it is rude to invite people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding.  give her your guest list and tell her she can make her guest from there.

Post # 4
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Yeah it’s totally inapproriate. You are only supposed to invite people to pre-wedding events that will also be invited to the wedding.

Post # 5
10287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m with you, I would find it incredibly rude as well. Unfortunately, half of the damage is already since your engagement party is done and over with. I would absolutely put your foot down on the shower though. Guests don’t have to bring gifts to engagement parties but the entire concept of a shower is to well… shower the bride with gifts. Your Future Mother-In-Law should understand where you’re coming from since even though she is the one inviting these people, it’s your wedding and you will be the one who looks bad in the end. 

Post # 7
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sure if she is the one throwing it they will have some clue it’s not you especially the ones who you havent met. I would def. bring it up to her though to try and prevent it if possible. I know it is a very difficult almost next to impossible task when it comes to some MILs but at least bring it up so you know you have donw something or maybe have you Fiance talk to her?

Post # 9
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

That really sucks, but that probably is as good as it will get :(. She sounds really difficult to work with.

Post # 10
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I do agree w. you that it is rude to invite ppl to a shower that are not invited to the wedding; and I would feel uncomfortable as well.

However, there are some people who enjoy doing things on behalf of their friends. For example, my Mother-In-Law is a teacher, and unbenounced to her, when her teacher friends found out her son was getting married planned a little shower for my husband. They asked him to come in and visit one day and presented him with several gift cards they had all bought. When my husband told me about this I was shocked! These ladies don’t know me, nor my husband really; but had a little shower in our honor. I thought this was extremely sweet and very unexpected; but they did this b/c they are friends with my Mother-In-Law.

So, on the flip side, perhaps several of your MIL’s friends, who don’t know you, could careless about being invited to the wedding and want to purchase a gift for you on behalf of their friendship with your Mother-In-Law 🙂

Post # 11
177 posts
Blushing bee

I agree that you should say something to your Future Mother-In-Law, but I just wanted to say that bridal shower attendees don’t always get invited to the wedding, esp if it’s out of town.

My aunt lives in MA, but her son was getting married in GA. Very few of “her people” were going to the wedding and most weren’t even invited. She had a shower to sort of show off her FDIL to her friends, but everyone sort of knew the context. So maybe they’re ok with it?

Good luck!

Post # 12
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Fortunately, since these are all people you’ve never met before, it won’t really affect you if they think badly! 🙂

Post # 13
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think that is far too excessive and rude. On the other hand, you could have a Future Mother-In-Law who didn’t care at all and didn’t invite anyone or didn’t show up to your shower! I hope it all works out for YOU!

Post # 15
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Problem with a Mother-In-Law problem, is that she is there for good!  I would pick my battles- here, you did all you could.  Besides, if she is inviting her friends, what are the chances that you will ever see those folks again?

OMG – Idea! What if you asked her to make the NY shower no gifts…? That way guests not invited to the wedding would not feel they had to bring one…. jsut a thought.

Post # 16
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Yea, at least they are people you dont personally know. Plus if they know she hosted both parties, im sure they will know its not your fault

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