(Closed) FMIL is trying to change our wedding plans…

posted 11 years ago in Family
Post # 3
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

So sorry to hear what you are going through, unfortunately its a very common occurence especially when parent’s want to share the special moment with the whole wide world and the Bride/Groom would prefer something more intimate. Is is possible to try to strike a middle ground, the idea of a post wedding BBQ sounds good to include everyone else, so what’s wrong with that?

Also, if Future Mother-In-Law really wanted to include the extra people she should have been speaking $$ very early, but most people just don’t realize that. We tried to have the “budget” talk with both sets of parents very eary on….and of course everyone said oh have it small, do what you want and kind oh hid away from offering money….fast forward to 2 1/2 months, then Future Mother-In-Law wants to add all of these people, but not its too late!

As much as this day is about you and fiance….it also means the world to our parents!

Post # 4
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

You and your Fiance are going to have to stick together on this one. Explain to her, as calmly as possible, all of the things you have stated. That, as a couple, you have decided that you want a smaller wedding and only plan on inviting those people who are closest…i.e parents. Explain that you are sorry this upsets her, but that’s how it’s going to be. Let her know that you only want one wedding ceremony and you don’t plan on doing any other wedding ceremony activities that will take away from the original.

Post # 5
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Maybe keeping things black and white could help the situation? We can afford X. X holds 10 people. If you want XYZABC and 100 people, we need to revisit the budget and group contributions. If we have this much $, we get married at X. I understand why she wants to have the family there, of course! But i think it’s a little unfair for her to try and change everything when you are paying and cannot afford to. 🙁

Post # 7
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Well, you have your head on straight. I think that this is something that she’s just going to have to personally work on. I think that her brothers and sisters would definitely understand. And if you’re having a party afterward, then bravo! To me, it sounds like you have all your bases covered.

Post # 8
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you have two big cards to play.  The first is that she is not financially hosting the wedding.  So she has NO right to invite ANYONE.  Period.  You can (generously) offer her X number of invites, but if she goes over, that’s too bad.

The second big card is that you have already paid a deposit on your venue.  Which means that you cannot switch now.  Period.  AND you cannot simply change your mind, and she cannot just invite who she wants!

I know your Fiance has already talked to her.  But he needs to talk to her again.  And again.  And again.  Explain both of these things to her.  Mostly the second part, that it is not physically POSSIBLE now to invite all those people.  Sounds more like his aunts and uncles are guilt tripping her about it.  Maybe he could explain it to them as well.  Like your family, they won’t be happy about it, but maybe they’ll understand.  (I sure wish that I had put some of that money down on a house instead!!)  People like your Future Mother-In-Law need to be told pretty much constantly that things cannot change and here is what is going on.  Probably up until the hour before you walk down the aisle and she’ll still be trying to sneak someone in.

Post # 9
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

That’s a crappy situation for you.  Clearly Fiance understood when you explained venue size and cost to him.  Could you two sit down with Future Mother-In-Law and explain the same thing to her? That there simply isn’t room for that many extras?  If she doesn’t listen (mine probably won’t on the same issue) I would give her a quote for a larger venue and ask her how much she would like to contribute.  Also, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, since you’re also leaving the aunts and uncles out on your own side.

I get where you’re coming from.  Between us, Fiance and I have 12 aunts and uncles.  Add spouses alone and it’s a big number.  Add kids and it’s craziness.  Good luck.

Post # 10
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I can definitely sympathize with how you are feeling. We are havng a small wedding too–parents, siblings, grandparents and just a couple of my childhood friends. My dad is just going off the rocker about this, saying he won’t be there (because of the way we are having it), that I’m being selfish, segregating the family, and on and on. Even though I have offered to have a bbq celebration in his home state he is still being crazy about this, to the point where I just don’t want him at the wedding anymore.

So, I totally understand how you feel. It’s OUR wedding, and it makes me really sad when people (intentionally/unintentionally) try to put a damper on our day! It makes the planning wish we’d go even smaller and just elope!

Post # 11
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I think you need to make sure that you and Fiance are 100% on the same page. You seem upset with him for trying to accommodate Future Mother-In-Law where possible, so I would figure that out first. We personally are also trying to accommodate our parents wherever it doesn’t materially affect us, so I don’t think it’s necessarily horrible. But you and Fiance should agree about how much you are willing to “bend” on wedding decisions. 

The reason I say that you and Fiance should be on the same page is that I think he is the person that should be dealing with the Future Mother-In-Law issues. You are stressed out enough; and, since he’s her son, she won’t feel like he’s an enemy by not letting her invite the guests. Your logic is very clear about the guests. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. How can she argue with that? Don’t try to make it more complicated than that: you can’t afford any more guests, period. If she starts offering to pay, remind her that everything’s been booked and she should have mentioned it earlier. 

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