(Closed) FMIL is unhappy with our reception only invitations!

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 19
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

This isn’t a wedding reception.  This is a party your Future Mother-In-Law is hosting.  You are the guests of honor.  You really need to get over the “it’s all about me” attitude you’re throwing out there and be a gracious guest.

I think a bigger issue than the invitations is the fact that you think you deserve equal input for a party that you are simply invited to.  If you don’t want to go, then you should let your Future Mother-In-Law know now.  If you agree to go, then you should be prepared to include her in the decision making process.

No one is trying to attack you here, we’re all just trying to give you perspective.  You asked: “Is it wrong for me to want to be involved in the reception planning cuz I have some specific ideas?”  I don’t think it’s wrong of you, but I do think you need to compromise and agree with your Future Mother-In-Law on how it all goes down.

Now the invites, you gave her a proof.  If she had an issue it needed to be said then.  It was an innocent mistake to not put her name on there, which she could have corrected at the time.  I think it was unreasonable of her to bring it up after you had placed the order.

Post # 20
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

View original reply
@2bMrsG: I consider myself non-traditional as well, but my parents offered to pay for our wedding and we accepted. Because of this, their names were included on the invitations as the hosts of the wedding, and we mentioned DH’s parents’ names as well so they wouldn’t feel left out.

My father did not walk me down the aisle. There was no “who gives this woman in marriage” part of the ceremony. But that doesn’t mean I was about to slight my parents on the invitations and when we made our thank you speech at the reception, because they were the ones who made our beautiful wedding possible.

You can still be your own person and show your Future Mother-In-Law gratitude. Acknowledging her role in making the reception happen would have been very appropriate. It doesn’t undermine the fact that this is a celebration of your marriage. If you keep acting like your Future Mother-In-Law is trying to hog the spotlight for your reception that she’s paying for, you’ll just come across as ungrateful and selfish.

Post # 21
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree that your Future Mother-In-Law should have told your her issues with the invites when she got the proof. 

But I think you misunderstood why parents names are on the invitations.  In my wedding, for instance, my parents are hosting the event and so their name will appear on the invitations because they are paying for it.  This is a party your Future Mother-In-Law is graciously giving you and if you don’t want it then you should have informed her before that you didn’t want a reception.

Post # 22
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you don’t want the reception you should tell her now so she doesn’t waste any more money on it.

Post # 23
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Your Future Mother-In-Law is throwing you a party. As the hostess, her name should have been on the invites. If you wanted to acknowledge your family, you could have also altered the wording to include your parents, as a PP explained. Her son is getting married. Even though he hasnt lived with her for years, he is still her son. She wants to celebrate with close family and friends. It’s disrespectful to not fully appreciate this.

Yes, your Future Mother-In-Law should have gotten to the proofs faster. That’s her fault too. Did you or your Fiance call her and remind her? Through the wedding process, I really had to call and nag people. Everyone has full lives without planning parties. Sometimes things get overlooked or forgotten.

Post # 24
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

We’re having a destination wedding & my parents are paying for our AHR and I definitely plan on having a statement that says that they’re hosting.. We’re so grateful that they’re helping us that it never even crossed my mind to not make some mention of it on the invitation.

Post # 25
2312 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

View original reply

…So what you should have said was “If you agree Future Mother-In-Law is being unreasonable and I’m totally right, respond, and if you don’t think that, don’t comment.” Sorry, you’re partly to blame here. Be an adult and accept that you bear some responsibility, and you hurt her feelings. This is not a poor reflection on her, it’s a poor reflection on you, because you’re coming off as ungrateful and ungracious. You honestly don’t deserve to have someone throw you a reception if you’re going to be so petty as to leave her name off the invitation because “it’s not about her” and then say you don’t even want a reception anyway. If you don’t want it, tell her. 

Post # 26
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

She should have responded in a more timely manner, but if she is paying for the reception, then she is right — she should have been listed as the hostess. She may be telling you a white lie about why she is bothered by it (her friends won’t recognize the invites) but I bet that she’s bothered because it seems ungrateful to not recognize her contribution.

Other family members should not be offended by their names not being on the invite because they should know that they are not the ones hosting the event.

It’s all well and good to say that you don’t like to follow etiquette — but there’s a reason that it exists, because people have expecations around these issues and feelings get hurt. If I were you, I’d get the invitations reprinted. Eat the cost, apologize for the oversight, and then communicate with her more about what your joint expectations are for the reception.

Post # 27
8 posts
  • Wedding: November 2011

It’s a tough situation but maybe try to think about it from her position. I think she’s honestly a little bit hurt. Paying for the party is one thing but planning for it is a whole different story. Planning takes coordination, forethought, consideration and frankly a lot of time and effort. I know you appreciate her kindness but don’t you think it’ll honor her considerably if you recognize her efforts in the official invitation?

Her “excuse” is just her way of telling you she’s hurt but has too much pride to tell you the real reason why she’s upset.

It’s unfortunate his mom is busy and missed your email so what’s done is done. Maybe for her friends, she can address the invitations from her and put a personal handwritten note to her friends. That way, there is an official invitation but also a heartfelt note inviting her friends to come celebrate the joyous occassion. It’s a little bit more work but super sweet.

Frankly, you need to find a way to please his mom since well, she is his mother. If it’s something really simple, it’s much easier to give them what they want than to spend 2 months stressing over the fight. If there are major issues (i.e her being completely disrespectful or disrespecting boundaries) , take it up with your Fiance and have him deal with his mom. It’s a lot easier for me to argue with my mom, yell at her and then make up without hurting any feelings.

Post # 28
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I think pride is a major issue here.

Post # 30
39 posts
  • Wedding: September 2011

 just print the invites and resonse card again and enjoy the party!!!  let her print them since she was going to anyway.  having a relationship with your mother in law is much better than 250.00 wasted.    you know you want a reception.  every brides wants to be celebrated.  take it from a woman who has been married for almost 20 yearsm you do not want to have bad blood between you and his mom.  he will have harbored felings about this later on.  he will want to eventually spend time with his family, and you are going to feel so uncomfortable.  just go with the flow since she is paying for it and enjoy it.,  stop making it stressful for yourself.  enjoy your day.  if you were paying for everything, then you  could have everything your way.  but since you are not…

Post # 31
5109 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think her name should be on there if she is paying but if you cannot change them now I would say that you should give a speach at the celebration recognizing her. 

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