Post # 17
When I said “The invitations were my attempt at making it our reception.” I did not mean that I purposely did not include her name in any way. I was referring to the design and the wording of the invitations being our own. We came up with that design and wording with the designer cuz we really wanted the invitations to fit us. She never even said a word about paying for the invitations or taking care of them and they needed to be done so we had to take charge on that so we could get them out in time. She isn’t a very organized or reliable kind of person so things most definitely would have gone wrong if she took care of the invitations.
We do not expect any gifts from anyone and she offered to pay for the reception so we kindly accepted it. Honestly, I’d rather not have a reception or receive any gifts than have a reception that is totally not our style completely taken care of by someone else who isn’t organized. It’s not that we don’t want to pay for a reception, it’s that it isn’t possible for us to pay. We barely have enough money to get married and we’re already in so much debt that we wouldn’t be able to take out a loan for a reception.
Miss Tattoo, that idea would work out if only we had the money to pay for another set of invitations, but we don’t and we would end up wasting quite a few of the ones we already bought anyway cuz his family is a lot bigger than mine. My FMIL is welcome to buy new invitations if she wants to for her friends, but we don’t want to have to waste our money when we already have so little.
Post # 18
I appreciate all of your opinions, but I do not agree with them and I’m sure there are some bees on here who think differently and would agree with me. I don’t feel that just because it’s a wedding, you have to follow etiquette on everything. Including parents names on invitations is something I don’t agree with cuz it’s so old fashioned and women no longer belong to their fathers. I don’t view my Mother as giving me away cuz I’ve been Independent from her for years and my Fiance has been Independent from his Mom for the past 12 years. It is our day and our party and we’ve been trying so hard to stray away from making this wedding a production and family oriented kinda event.
Post # 19
This isn’t a wedding reception. This is a party your Future Mother-In-Law is hosting. You are the guests of honor. You really need to get over the “it’s all about me” attitude you’re throwing out there and be a gracious guest.
I think a bigger issue than the invitations is the fact that you think you deserve equal input for a party that you are simply invited to. If you don’t want to go, then you should let your Future Mother-In-Law know now. If you agree to go, then you should be prepared to include her in the decision making process.
No one is trying to attack you here, we’re all just trying to give you perspective. You asked: “Is it wrong for me to want to be involved in the reception planning cuz I have some specific ideas?” I don’t think it’s wrong of you, but I do think you need to compromise and agree with your Future Mother-In-Law on how it all goes down.
Now the invites, you gave her a proof. If she had an issue it needed to be said then. It was an innocent mistake to not put her name on there, which she could have corrected at the time. I think it was unreasonable of her to bring it up after you had placed the order.
Post # 20
I consider myself non-traditional as well, but my parents offered to pay for our wedding and we accepted. Because of this, their names were included on the invitations as the hosts of the wedding, and we mentioned DH’s parents’ names as well so they wouldn’t feel left out.
My father did not walk me down the aisle. There was no “who gives this woman in marriage” part of the ceremony. But that doesn’t mean I was about to slight my parents on the invitations and when we made our thank you speech at the reception, because they were the ones who made our beautiful wedding possible.
You can still be your own person and show your Future Mother-In-Law gratitude. Acknowledging her role in making the reception happen would have been very appropriate. It doesn’t undermine the fact that this is a celebration of your marriage. If you keep acting like your Future Mother-In-Law is trying to hog the spotlight for your reception that she’s paying for, you’ll just come across as ungrateful and selfish.
Post # 21
I agree that your Future Mother-In-Law should have told your her issues with the invites when she got the proof.
But I think you misunderstood why parents names are on the invitations. In my wedding, for instance, my parents are hosting the event and so their name will appear on the invitations because they are paying for it. This is a party your Future Mother-In-Law is graciously giving you and if you don’t want it then you should have informed her before that you didn’t want a reception.
Post # 22
If you don’t want the reception you should tell her now so she doesn’t waste any more money on it.
Post # 23
Your Future Mother-In-Law is throwing you a party. As the hostess, her name should have been on the invites. If you wanted to acknowledge your family, you could have also altered the wording to include your parents, as a PP explained. Her son is getting married. Even though he hasnt lived with her for years, he is still her son. She wants to celebrate with close family and friends. It’s disrespectful to not fully appreciate this.
Yes, your Future Mother-In-Law should have gotten to the proofs faster. That’s her fault too. Did you or your Fiance call her and remind her? Through the wedding process, I really had to call and nag people. Everyone has full lives without planning parties. Sometimes things get overlooked or forgotten.
Post # 24
We’re having a destination wedding & my parents are paying for our AHR and I definitely plan on having a statement that says that they’re hosting.. We’re so grateful that they’re helping us that it never even crossed my mind to not make some mention of it on the invitation.
Post # 25
…So what you should have said was “If you agree Future Mother-In-Law is being unreasonable and I’m totally right, respond, and if you don’t think that, don’t comment.” Sorry, you’re partly to blame here. Be an adult and accept that you bear some responsibility, and you hurt her feelings. This is not a poor reflection on her, it’s a poor reflection on you, because you’re coming off as ungrateful and ungracious. You honestly don’t deserve to have someone throw you a reception if you’re going to be so petty as to leave her name off the invitation because “it’s not about her” and then say you don’t even want a reception anyway. If you don’t want it, tell her.
Post # 26
She should have responded in a more timely manner, but if she is paying for the reception, then she is right — she should have been listed as the hostess. She may be telling you a white lie about why she is bothered by it (her friends won’t recognize the invites) but I bet that she’s bothered because it seems ungrateful to not recognize her contribution.
Other family members should not be offended by their names not being on the invite because they should know that they are not the ones hosting the event.
It’s all well and good to say that you don’t like to follow etiquette — but there’s a reason that it exists, because people have expecations around these issues and feelings get hurt. If I were you, I’d get the invitations reprinted. Eat the cost, apologize for the oversight, and then communicate with her more about what your joint expectations are for the reception.
Post # 27
It’s a tough situation but maybe try to think about it from her position. I think she’s honestly a little bit hurt. Paying for the party is one thing but planning for it is a whole different story. Planning takes coordination, forethought, consideration and frankly a lot of time and effort. I know you appreciate her kindness but don’t you think it’ll honor her considerably if you recognize her efforts in the official invitation?
Her “excuse” is just her way of telling you she’s hurt but has too much pride to tell you the real reason why she’s upset.
It’s unfortunate his mom is busy and missed your email so what’s done is done. Maybe for her friends, she can address the invitations from her and put a personal handwritten note to her friends. That way, there is an official invitation but also a heartfelt note inviting her friends to come celebrate the joyous occassion. It’s a little bit more work but super sweet.
Frankly, you need to find a way to please his mom since well, she is his mother. If it’s something really simple, it’s much easier to give them what they want than to spend 2 months stressing over the fight. If there are major issues (i.e her being completely disrespectful or disrespecting boundaries) , take it up with your Fiance and have him deal with his mom. It’s a lot easier for me to argue with my mom, yell at her and then make up without hurting any feelings.
Post # 28
I think pride is a major issue here.
Post # 29
We would have them reprinted if we could, but we absolutely cannot afford another $230 now for Invitations and they have to be mailed out in just a few weeks if we decide to have a reception (since many of the guests are from out of town). We are broke enough as it is paying for our wedding ceremony and honeymoon in Las Vegas. Overall, we figured that we will be paying at least $4,000-5000 for the wedding and our honeymoon which is considerably more than the total cost of the reception will be. She has only paid $750 for the reception so far and if we’re able to save the money, we’d be happy to help pay for more of the reception when we can as a compromise to be involved in the decision making process more. I find some of your negative comments about me being selfish somewhat offensive. I did post here cuz I was looking for opinions, but that doesn’t mean you have to be mean about it. I was also looking for support cuz this is throwing a ton of stress on me and making me very depressed. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life and it’s not cuz my Future Mother-In-Law is making such a huge deal over a rather small detail.
My Fiance called her yesterday and tried to strike a compromise with her, but she was unwilling to do anything that would make us happy as well. She is now completely off the subject of her name not being on the invitations and she is bothered that our names are on the response cards now cuz she wanted to handle them. We offered to let her handle her friends invitations, but that wasn’t good enough. I always wanted to have a reception, I just want to be involved in all of the planning and decision making for it. If I would have known she’d react this way, I never would have accepted her offer to give us a reception. I’d rather not have a reception thrown by her if she is going to keep making such a big issue out of this and not involve us in anything. My Fiance is also so upset with her that he is prepared to never speak to her again over this (which I really don’t want to happen). We are very appreciative that she made this offer, but it has always seemed like she just wants an excuse to throw a party for her family and friends to get together and not because we’re getting married. Ever since we announced our engagement, she hasn’t acted very excited for us and truly congratulated us. She was quick to tell us that she wasn’t happy we decided to have a private wedding ceremony in Las Vegas and that still seems to be an issue with her. Fiance has even told me that all during his childhood he had to deal with making her unhappy cuz she had certain plans for his life and he had his own ideas.
Post # 30
just print the invites and resonse card again and enjoy the party!!! let her print them since she was going to anyway. having a relationship with your mother in law is much better than 250.00 wasted. you know you want a reception. every brides wants to be celebrated. take it from a woman who has been married for almost 20 yearsm you do not want to have bad blood between you and his mom. he will have harbored felings about this later on. he will want to eventually spend time with his family, and you are going to feel so uncomfortable. just go with the flow since she is paying for it and enjoy it., stop making it stressful for yourself. enjoy your day. if you were paying for everything, then you could have everything your way. but since you are not…
Post # 31
I think her name should be on there if she is paying but if you cannot change them now I would say that you should give a speach at the celebration recognizing her.