Post # 32
This just comes across as so immature. DH and I eloped, and we will be having a casual party type thing to celebrate with family. I wouldn’t call it a reception because then people are expected to bring gifts and we aren’t expecting that from them. If someone in our family was to pay for some of this party then we would be sure to recognise them. It is not old fashion, it is respectful and showing that person you appreciate their efforts.
I would just fork out the extra $230 to re-print them, or see if they can edit the ones you currently have at all. $750 is a fair bit of money to most people, and considering you didnt have a ‘real’/ traditional ceremony this is her way of being involved and celebrating with you. If she wasn’t happy for you then she wouldnt have offered to help… that doesnt sound selfish to me. If your FI is going to stop talking to her forever over this then I feel sorry for his mum, she is only trying to help.
I understand that you need to vent and you may not like people disagreeing with you, but as outsiders we are unbiased and can see how it looks to your Future Mother-In-Law. It sounds like you all need to relax a little bit and enjoy the celebration with a little bit of compromise.
Post # 33
I would have your fiance call her and see if she would like to go ahead and order her own invites. She had planned on paying for them anyway.
Or, possibly have the response cards changed and place her name on the response card and in the return address of the envelope. That will definitely give guests the understanding that she is the one holding the reception.
Without either of the above, I would say you should pay for the reception yourselves, or cancel it all together.
I completely side with your Mother-In-Law on this one. It appears (although it is likely not your intention) to take complete credit for a reception that she is paying for.. and that’s just not right.
Post # 34
I think it’s incredibly rude to let your Future Mother-In-Law pay for the reception and not list her name as the host, it’s not like that is some unimportant etiquette rule…it’s just having sommon sense and being polite, acting thankful that she’s being so generous and letting your guests know it. Of course she is offended, how could she not be??
You say she’s unwilling to do anything to make you happy…um, paying thousands of dollars to host this isn’t enough to make you happy? So basically you want everything to be your way but have her pay for it…yes, it’s your wedding, but that’s not how it works, the person who is paying is allowed to have some input and at the very least gets the respect of having their name on the invites. If you don’t want to hear her opinion or do anything her way, pay for it yourself.
Post # 35
I was hoping to hear more about your relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law to see if we were all possibly reacting too harshly to you and your situation, but after hearing more of an explanation I again have to agree with your Future Mother-In-Law. Trust me, I completely understand that money is tight and you do not have money to reprint the invitations, but it does not mean your Future Mother-In-Law should not still be hurt that you did not include her name on the invites. I agree she could have said something about the proofs you showed her but the more I hear from you the more it sounds like she was too gracious to say anything and probably hoped you would change your mind and rightfully include her. Since you seem to be getting angrier and more stressed after reading that we do not agree that you were right to leave your Future Mother-In-Law off the invites and feel personally attacked it IS making me agree with you that you should probably call the reception off. Your Future Mother-In-Law deserves to throw a party for someone that WANTS to come to the party she is paying for and throwing for you. That way you and you Fiance can throw your own party one day when you have the money completely the way you want to without having to deal with the word compromise.
Post # 36
If your Future Mother-In-Law is paying for and throwing you a party then of course she would have a say in the decisions. Yes you should be able to help but it is her paying for it. I can see why she would be hurt about the name, but she should of replied when you sent her the proofs. Also too when you are sending someone something to approve and there is a deadline, if you don’t hear from them you should be calling to follow up and not just letting the deadline pass.
How is your relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law other than this?
If you don’t want to be stressed out about the reception just let her plan it, you don’t need to stress out about it. Check in with her once in a while but leave the main responsibility with her.
Post # 37
- Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA
We had a private ceremony just the two of us, and now we are hosting (and paying for) a reception in two weeks. We didn’t include my parents’ names because they aren’t hosting the party. If my parents had hosted the party or contributed financially, we would have included their names. However, that’s not the case, so I used my maiden name on the invitation.
We’re doing something much more formal than what it sounds like you’re doing, so our wording was much more formal:
Loribeth Maiden name and James His Name
became Mr. and Mrs. James His Name
in a private ceremony
Wednesday, the first of December, two thousand and ten
at The Gastonian Inn, Savannah, Georgia
The pleasure of your company is requested
at the dinner reception celebrating their marriage
Saturday, the sixth of August, two thousand and eleven
Post # 38
@2bMrsG: She was quick to tell us that she wasn’t happy we decided to have a private wedding ceremony in Las Vegas and that still seems to be an issue with her.
She obviously feels left out. Whether or not you consider family to be important, it’s a big deal for a parent when their kid gets married. You and your Fiance have every right to have the private wedding you want, but that doesn’t mean the people who care about you aren’t allowed to be hurt that they won’t be there to support you. Clearly since you aren’t letting her have any part of your actual wedding, she wants to at least have a reception for you so she can celebrate it with you after the fact.
Can you maybe stop acting like a victim for a moment and try seeing it from her side? Why would someone who’s “not excited” for you want to throw you a reception?
Post # 39
@2bMrsG: I don’t think it’s fair to give her all the credit even if she is paying for most of it. This wedding is about my FI and I and not her and personally, I don’t like the woman very much after I got to know her better so I really wish she wouldn’t have made the offer to throw us a reception now
Typically I come down hard on FIL’s overstepping their boundries, but in this case , i think you are in the wrong. As an adult she can’t TWIST your arm to have an AHR. She made the offer, you didn’t have to accept. your 400+ posts deep on the Bee, i’m sure you have read many posts on these situations so you can’t pretend to not know better. But in this case – your acting like you just don’t care which is far worse IMO. You say its about you and your FH but you sure are quick to take up on her financial offer, werent’ you? You didn’t know you didn’t like her before the check cleared? Hmmm. So either cancel it or fund it on your own if you don’t want her input.
Post # 40
I do see it from her point of view and I can understand that she’s hurt, but she should understand that by no means did we purposely not include her name on the invitations. This was a terrible mistake unfortunately and people make mistakes all the time. We are really trying to come up with a compromise now so we all can be happy, but she seems unwilling to compromise here. We came up with a reasonable compromise yesterday. We just have enough to pay to have the Invitations only (not including the response cards) reprinted with her name on them so we’re willing to do that, if she is alright with us accepting the response cards and handing them off to her on a weekly basis as we get them. We left her a voice mail and texted her with this idea, yet she still hasn’t gotten back to us and we have a very limited time to get these reprinted in time to send them out.
I think many of you are misunderstanding. I never was expecting total control over the reception at all, but I do want some input and to be informed of her ideas cuz this is the only time I’ll ever get to have a reception in my life and I am concerned cuz she’s a lot more traditional than we are. A reception should be fun and not something we are terribly unhappy with. If she truly cares about us then she should want to give us a reception that we’re going to enjoy.
I knew things about etiquette of course, but only with traditional weddings where guests are invited. I haven’t seen any posts on situations similiar to ours so I never thought of including her name on the Invitations cuz this is only an at home reception which is going to be laid back and not very formal. Plus, I assumed that if this was going to be important to her, she would have mentioned it to us. I know I would have mentioned it if it was the other way around. I know we should have made more of an effort to contact her before they were printed, but she also should have communicated better. It’s terribly frustrating trying to communicate with her cuz she is never available to talk when we try to call, email, or text. I really do not have a good relationship with her and I can’t see ever having a good relationship with her after getting to know her better. She has been rude towards us plenty of times by not getting back to us promptly all the time, every time she visits she is late, and she even went to look at reception venues without telling us. Even my Fiance hasn’t been that close with her cuz she’s rather controlling and he’s trying to be Independent.
Honestly, this upsets me and my Fiance very deeply cuz we never intended to upset her and we certainly do not want to cut her out of our lives. I am sorry so many of you got the wrong idea about me, but I was also a lot more angry and frustrated when I first made this post. I’m sure you know that things can be misunderstood a lot easier when a person is angry.
Post # 41
Ok, just wanted to update. I’m happy to say that we have resolved everything and she doesn’t seem to have any hard feelings since we came to a compromise. We’re paying to reprint the invitations with her name on them and we are only going to send our friends and my side of the family’s invitations out. She is mailing out invitations for her half of the family and she will receive their RSVPs.
I think it should all work out well now. One of the main issues is she never thought of this as a reception that is part of our wedding and we did. She just thought of it as a party that she is throwing. However, if that’s really what it is then I’m wondering if we should wear our wedding clothes to it.
Post # 42
I’m glad that you guys came up with a compromise, and that you clarified things for us once you weren’t so angry, it helps me to understand.
Post # 43
Sorry if my tone was a little harsh, you did write in anger so I probably feed off of that. I’m happy that things have worked themselves out. Family dynamics are never easy navigate.
Post # 44
Yea, the sad thing about it all is because of how she brought this up I still have some leftover hard feelings towards her and I don’t think I’ll ever be fully comfortable around her again. My Fiance feels the same and we’re probably still not going to talk with her that much in the future and try to keep our distance. To Clarify, it isn’t just over this issue. It seems like there’s always a new issue with her coming up. She’s very self-centered and difficult to please. It’s also very frustrating that I have to keep reminding her to contact her side of the family that have not RSVPed for our wedding shower (which is only 2 weeks away now). We need to have a count of the guests attending this week so my family can order the favors and know how much food to buy.