(Closed) FMIL issues – could use some pointers

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

*HUGS* Firstly – I can relate to you with having a difficult fmil. But without further details it’s hard to give specific advice or insight. The two most important pieces of information I would like to share with you is a) to create serious boundaries and b) that I believe that your Fiance should be dealing with his fmil if there are issues. I really hope things work out and settle down before the wedding! Good luck 🙂

Post # 4
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I agree with MrsBtobe.  Distance yourself from your Future Mother-In-Law.  Have your Fiance deal with her when needed.  You know whats best for you and you and your Fiance know whats best for you both as a couple.  Don’t listen to comments that are negative and un-helpful (I don’t know the details of your situation).

Maybe after time and separation from your Mother-In-Law you can build respect and maybe even a relationship.   

Post # 6
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I have a family member (my Aunt -God Mother) who is very self centered and spoiled (spoiled for a life time with attention/ and getting "her way").  There is a lot I could say about her which I wont.  But needless to say she is difficult to deal with! (every year we have to do a separate christmas/thanksgiving JUST FOR HER!!)  She is loud and can be very mean.

I invited her to my Out of Town wedding and she called me up to tell me how awful it was that I am not having it in my home town because she can’t travel – not because she is sick or doesn’t have $ – she just doesn’t want to travel.  She told me over and over how disappointed she is in me and my FI’s choice.  She also is refusing to come to my shower which is being held in my home town – just minutes away from where she lives.  

I have to be happy that she is not a person I see or hear from often…  If I had to see her and deal with her more I might scream!   

I keep my distance for sure.  I try to stay calm when dealing with her.  When she complains (which she does allot) I just say "Im sorry you feel that way, but this is just how it is going to be."  Or something like that.  I just take what she says and let it flow past me.  I can’t let her negative and selfish ways bother me.

I guess I am kinda glad she isn’t coming to my wedding, but at the same time she is family so I am torn. 

Post # 7
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so sorry.  That’ is difficult.  I kind of scooted around that by being Out of Town.  Any chance you’ll relocate??

First, I agree, mrstobe, has good suggestions.  Also, it sounds like her family has learned to adapt to get through the holidays, etc.  The good news, is it doesn’t seem to be directly a problem between the two of you.  It seems to just be her personality.  However, in order to avoid this turning into a beef she has with you, I think it’s best to try to learn to swim with the sharks.  It doesn’t mean she is right or that you support her.  But I think if you learn from those before you who have learned so well, everyone will get along better.  I know it’s not what you want to hear.  I find myself biting my tongue when I’m in that situation.  And it can be hard sometimes. (But when the visit is over. out of sight out of mind.)  But getting in a fight, feels much worse in the long run. (I stew on it for a while.)

I think the only other thing you can do to help yourself, is to come up with a plan together with your Fiance, that you will spend a limited amount of time with her.  Try to spend the time socializing with a different family member, or pretend to listen to her and bite your tongue.  If she behaves stick around longer, and "bank the time".  When she acts out, you can leave early.  Hopefully, that way, she won’t see it as you two always bailing.  She’s likely to blame you.  Good luck.

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