- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
Holy mole-y! And I thought I had problems with my FMIL! I really feel for you. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make her delusional attitude disappear. I don’t know how to give you advice, but I’ll tell you what I would do in your shoes.
First of all, I’d have a long hard talk with my fiance. Do you really love him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Forget the crazy Future Mother-In-Law. Think about him. If you want to be with him, then talk to him about this and see if the two of you can come to some kind of resolution that you can both live with for the rest of your lives.
Is he 100% on your side? Does he want this crazy woman in his life at all? My inclination would be to cut ties with her. If he’s onboard, then you’re all set. If he’s not, then you have to think up something else to do. Maybe he continues to have a relationship with her and you don’t. I’d continue to be cordial to her and take the high road, still sending thank you notes and holiday gifts and such. But I wouldn’t call her up to chat about things, and I definitely would not tolerate being talked to the way she did. If she starts to yell at you, I’d say, “I’m sorry but that’s not the way I can communicate. If you’d like to speak calmly and respectfully to me, then we can continue this conversation. Otherwise, I’m hanging up.” She needs to know that she CANNOT treat you this way. That’s where your fiance will come in.
He needs to have a serious talk with her about her actions. If she continues to act this way, he needs to tell her that he’s walking out of her life. That’s the only way she’ll even think about changing. If she realizes that she’s going to lose her son over this because he’s choosing you, then she might be capable of taking a step back and thinking before opening her mouth.
But she could also just be a crazy person incapable of change. Does that mean you should break off the engagement? I don’t think so!! Again, do you love your fiance and want to marry him or not? That decision should be made without consideration of having a bad Mother-In-Law. You can live with that. Yes, it will suck. Yes, it’s not ideal. But having a loving, caring, supportive life partner should outweigh one horrible person.
My grandmother is a psychopath. She told my father the day he married my mother, “When John (her other son) got married, I gained a daughter. With you marrying her (referring to my mother), I’m losing a son.” How could she expect a relationship with my mother after saying something like that? And really meaning it too! Needless to say, I don’t have a relationship with that grandmother because my parents didn’t invite her over. She was not a part of our lives. I don’t feel like I got jipped in any way either. I have another grandmother who is the best grandmother on the planet, and who I love dearly. When I do run into crazy grandma, I can ignore her psycho rants because I just don’t care what she thinks/says. I don’t let it affect me. If you let your Future Mother-In-Law get to you, then you will be miserable forever. You need to let go and grow tough skin and ignore her psychotic-ness.
Ugh, I feel for you. I’m so sorry, and I wish you all the best. If your fiance is on your side, I don’t think you have anything to worry about long-term. If he’s not, then that’s something to worry about.