(Closed) FMIL just crossed a line….super long – sorry!

posted 8 years ago in Family
  • poll: How did you crazy MIL affect your marriage?

    We have gotten a divorce because of her

    Things are quite rocky because of her

    It affects us every now and then but we tend to ignore her

    It hasn't! We don't give a flying [email protected]#$ what she says

  • Post # 32
    Member
    155 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I haven’t read anyone else comments yet but let me just first address the issues presented in the OP.

    1) you do not owe your Future Mother-In-Law an apology. Don’t call her. Ignore her until she realizes that she needs to apologize to you.

    2) do not accept money from her for this wedding. Clearly her money is attached with strings. If your don’t want to have to listen to her opinion than you can’t have your money. Whoever pays has a say.

    3) Do not go to some wedding that you weren’t invited to. That’s rude to whoever is getting married.

    4) stop venting about your Future Mother-In-Law to your parents. I get that she is frusting but you don’t want to creat bad blood between the two families (that ship may already have sailed but you don’t have to make the situation even worse)

    5) I don’t know how old you are but your post is reading as very young. particularly the bit about your dad calling off the wedding. You are an adult. No one can “call off your wedding” they can pull their funding but they can’t cancel it. Maybe you should aim for a long engagement while you and your fiancee mature and things with your in-laws cool down. You want your wedding to be a happy day and you want your relations with your Future Mother-In-Law to be happy. so don’t rush into a marriage that you aren’t ready for yet.

    Post # 33
    Member
    39 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    You will hate my answer I’m sure…I wouldn’t marry into that mess.  I’m sorry. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    4943 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    ” She proceeded to tell me that I HAVE to do anything and everything her and my parents tell me to do because they know better and that this wedding isn’t for me, but is for them.”

    ha! Seriously? A wedding is for everyone but the couple actually getting married?

     

    Also, how can your dad call off your wedding? YOu’re the one getting married, not him.

     

    View original reply
    @juliaz012:  I agree somewhat…marrying into that will probably be a lifetime of this kind of crap. Just wait until you have children! Then her way will always be the way since she’s raised kids and you haven’t (I assume). Unless she chills out, or you both are willing to not have a relationship with her, I imagine there’s a lifetime of grief on the horizon. Hopefully I’m wrong. Also, it sounds like she’s trying to maintain a sense of control (ie packing his lunch over and over) without regards to anyone’s feelings. Best of luck. I don’t know that I could have remained so calm.

     

    Post # 35
    Member
    2909 posts
    Sugar bee

    Okay, I know that you are in a terrible position with Future Mother-In-Law. Her behavior has been awful and rude.

    BUT.

    She is behaving like this because it gets her something she wants — control. When your Fiance yells at her for making his lunch, or your dad confronts her about her actions, it proves to her that she is the one in control. She is the one who can “make” other people angry. THAT’S why she’s acting like this. The people around her are HELPING this dynamic by getting mad. You and your Fiance are absolutely, definitely capable of stepping to the edge of the dance floor she’s created and refusing to participate in the dance. Making excuses for why you have to take her money, why you have to let her have a say in the wedding, etc, is something you are doing because it seems easier than changing your own behavior so that she doesn’t get what she wants from your interactions. It’s NOT EASIER. It just seems that way. All you and Fiance need is to create a plan for how you’ll respond when she does XYZ, and then stick to the plan. If you don’t change the way you react to her, you are just as responsible for the dynamic as she is. I know that’s a sucky thing to have to contemplate, but it’s true.

    Post # 36
    Member
    4438 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

    Am I the only one that thinks OP shouldn’t have made her parents (mainly her father) deal with HER issue with MOG?

    Yes, MOG is being a little (sarcasm) cray cray, but this could have been handled differently.

    Post # 37
    Member
    115 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I hate when the responses a person like OP sees say something like, “You need to quit talking to her and cut her out of your life FOREVER!” I agree that this situation sounds like a nightmare and your Future Mother-In-Law has a definite drama queen streak (suicide threats… really??), but we all know that this is a real person who has the potential to be an important part of your married life for the forseeable future. It’s not something to be taken lightly.

    Here are a few things to consider:

    1. Don’t accept her money OR offer to let her have a certain aspect of the wedding (like the RD) where she has absolute control. No questions asked. A woman her age who seems unwilling to compromise is unlikely to change over night (hello sandwich). Either allow her to completely control her portion or politely reject her offer to help financially. Either way, this removes her rigidness from the equation.

    2. Consider the long-term consequences. You admit that you can’t imagine your FH without his mom at the wedding. Think about that. Is he really worth a lifetime of battling with her? I know that sounds a little harsh, but you really do marry the family. If this relationship continues to deteriorate, what will it do to you and FI’s relationship?

    It sounds like he might still live at home or see a lot of her. Is this going to change drastically after you are married? Will she try to control how you raise your children? These are things that are better discussed before you get married. I highly recommend that you guys do some premarital counseling to discuss these issues with a non-partisan third party. It doesn’t sound like you are ready to run, but discussing this in a healthy environment will do you a world of good in the long run. 

    3. Let the drama die down. I would back away from her (and possibly cut down on wedding/FIL talk with you parents) for a few weeks/months. You and Fiance should continue planning without being subjected to ideas & opinions from others. Come back in a couple of months and explain what you guys have decided to do. Make sure you come up with a budget that you and Fiance can afford without his mom’s contributions. This will save you a headache if she pulls some major BS closer to your wedding date.

    I wish you blessings and peace and will keep you in my thoughts.  It sounds like the whole situation has you totally stressed out. For your part, remember to love them and to try to overlook their faults (but never forget that you are not obligated to this family until you exchange wedding vows!) Try to be flexible & compromise as much as you can without losing yourself. And if all else fails, elope or leave. Extreme but effective, lol!

    Post # 38
    Member
    1715 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m not being mean here honey, but you need to put your big girl panties on and plan your OWN wedding.

    And one more thing! STOP APOLOGISEING! You apologised to her for things you didn’t even do AND to us for writing a long post. Girl, stop it. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    9816 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    @soontobesaieed:  Actually, adults really don’t have to deal with drama they don’t want to. It’s pretty simple. They can also plan their own wedding on the cheap if they really want to get married. Why would a sane person complicate their life for someone who won’t meet them halfway? For what, a party? Her husband can deal with her until the cows come home, she was fine without her being in her life before, she will be fine after they get married.

    Post # 40
    Member
    3339 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

    Holy mole-y!  And I thought I had problems with my FMIL!  I really feel for you.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make her delusional attitude disappear.  I don’t know how to give you advice, but I’ll tell you what I would do in your shoes.

    First of all, I’d have a long hard talk with my fiance.  Do you really love him?  Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?  Forget the crazy Future Mother-In-Law.  Think about him.  If you want to be with him, then talk to him about this and see if the two of you can come to some kind of resolution that you can both live with for the rest of your lives.

    Is he 100% on your side?  Does he want this crazy woman in his life at all?  My inclination would be to cut ties with her.  If he’s onboard, then you’re all set.  If he’s not, then you have to think up something else to do.  Maybe he continues to have a relationship with her and you don’t.  I’d continue to be cordial to her and take the high road, still sending thank you notes and holiday gifts and such.  But I wouldn’t call her up to chat about things, and I definitely would not tolerate being talked to the way she did.  If she starts to yell at you, I’d say, “I’m sorry but that’s not the way I can communicate.  If you’d like to speak calmly and respectfully to me, then we can continue this conversation.  Otherwise, I’m hanging up.”  She needs to know that she CANNOT treat you this way.  That’s where your fiance will come in.

    He needs to have a serious talk with her about her actions.  If she continues to act this way, he needs to tell her that he’s walking out of her life.  That’s the only way she’ll even think about changing.  If she realizes that she’s going to lose her son over this because he’s choosing you, then she might be capable of taking a step back and thinking before opening her mouth.

    But she could also just be a crazy person incapable of change.  Does that mean you should break off the engagement?  I don’t think so!!  Again, do you love your fiance and want to marry him or not?  That decision should be made without consideration of having a bad Mother-In-Law.  You can live with that.  Yes, it will suck.  Yes, it’s not ideal.  But having a loving, caring, supportive life partner should outweigh one horrible person.

    My grandmother is a psychopath.  She told my father the day he married my mother, “When John (her other son) got married, I gained a daughter.  With you marrying her (referring to my mother), I’m losing a son.”  How could she expect a relationship with my mother after saying something like that?  And really meaning it too!  Needless to say, I don’t have a relationship with that grandmother because my parents didn’t invite her over.  She was not a part of our lives.  I don’t feel like I got jipped in any way either.  I have another grandmother who is the best grandmother on the planet, and who I love dearly.  When I do run into crazy grandma, I can ignore her psycho rants because I just don’t care what she thinks/says.  I don’t let it affect me.  If you let your Future Mother-In-Law get to you, then you will be miserable forever.  You need to let go and grow tough skin and ignore her psychotic-ness.

    Ugh, I feel for you.  I’m so sorry, and I wish you all the best.  If your fiance is on your side, I don’t think you have anything to worry about long-term.  If he’s not, then that’s something to worry about.

    Post # 42
    Member
    5 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    View original reply
    @sheepandbear:  I totally just posted something about my frustrating FILS too and now feel like an idiot because…wow…

    Dear @sheiskillingmysoul, I know that there are always going to be reasons why a lot of the suggestions thrown out here are scary, not going to work, or not the way you always pictured, but I think it is wise advice to limit your exposure to her.  Certainly do not permit her to continue to verbally abuse you.  

    This sounds like there might be some undiagnosed mental illness going on and this major life-event is exacerbating an existing problem.  Perhaps a third party can act as a mediator? Maybe your fiance can encourage his mom to come with him to talk to someone about how she is feeling?  

    Your feelings of hurt, frustration, fear and confusion are totally understandable.  Keep your chin up.  He loves you. You love him. Deep breaths. (((hug)))

    Post # 43
    Member
    30 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    View original reply
    @mchitt329:  you are definitely not the only one

    Post # 44
    Member
    28 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    @sheiskillingmysoul:  

    I highly recommend that you solidify your relationship with your fiance as much as possibly by going to premarital counseling with a professional or religious guide.  As you said, she is his mom – and having a strain between the two women in his life that he loves can put a strain on him.  You want to make sure that he is in a good place, ready to make some tough decisions in the future (ie: when you have children).

    But thus far, it sounds like he really is a man of gold.  But you can never prepare enough.  It’s tough on a relationship – you wanna make sure you strengthen it as much as possible.

    I know you didn’t ask for her money, but it might be best not to accept it or not to include it in the budget.  I know it is risking offense, but it might be worth that headache than another headache if you include it.

    Stay strong!  You’ve got lots of sympathy here! 

    Post # 45
    Member
    50 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    The easiest way to deal with these people is make your own boundaries with your Fiance and stick to it. Only correspond with her using email so there are no emotions involved and she cannot overwhelm you. Write your response and get Fiance to look over it to make sure it reads well and sets the right tone. 

    DO NOT APOLOGISE TO HER She should not have treated you the way she has been and your dad was standing up for you because of her ill treatement. Your dad had every right to talk to her about it because she obviously isn’t listening to you or your Fiance and your dad was doing his job, protecting his daughter from verbal and emotional abuse. 

    Give her cause and effect. You can do this BUT if this happens THIS will follow. She is welcome to come to the wedding BUT if she blows up/starts a fight/causes drama she WILL be escourted out by security/staff/friends of your choosing. The funds she had dedicated to helping to have the wedding you want are greatly appreciated BUT if her bad behaivior is something that you need to put up with THEN you will have to do without. 

    Don’t cut her out completely but do limit what face to face contact you do have and keep your Fiance within hearing range. If she is going to verbally attack you and you both decide it’s gone over the line or is upping the agression she displays, both of you just up and leave. Bad behavior cannot be tolerated and if the whole room clears out then so be it. 

    Post # 46
    Member
    545 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Not only should you elope, you should bring your parents as witnesses. Also, what does you Future Father-In-Law have to say about her behaviour?

    The topic ‘FMIL just crossed a line….super long – sorry!’ is closed to new replies.

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