(Closed) FMIL just crossed a line….super long – sorry!

posted 8 years ago in Family
  • poll: How did you crazy MIL affect your marriage?

    We have gotten a divorce because of her

    Things are quite rocky because of her

    It affects us every now and then but we tend to ignore her

    It hasn't! We don't give a flying [email protected]#$ what she says

  • Post # 47
    Member
    942 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Why on earth are you trying to talk to this beast of a woman? Just stop. Plan your wedding, send her an invite and let it be. At this point I think she should consider herself lucky to still be invited. 

     

    Post # 48
    Member
    3682 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I wouldn’t marry him unless he was going to cut her off completely.  It’s not just about the wedding.  She’s a crazy control freak who wants to be in charge of every aspect of her son’s life.

    Post # 49
    Member
    327 posts
    Helper bee

    it is like the dictator at home. just be polite with her or pretend to be. and do your own stuff. maybe she is scared that if her son is marry , he will cut her out of his life

    Post # 50
    Member
    29 posts
    Newbee

    I am sorry you are going through this.  Your situation sounds eerily similar to mine, especially the part where your Future Mother-In-Law called you and your Fiance stupid kids who don’t know anything (we were mid 20s – early 30s) and therefore are unqualified to make any decisions for the wedding on our own. Mine said those exact words to my mother and my mother’s reacation was, “uhhh, I think they can handle it, relax.”  In my culture the groom’s family pays also but our families split the cost.  Even so, I wasn’t into wedding stuff and didn’t really want to deal with appointments and planning and would have been happy with keeping up tradition and having my inlaws make all of the decisions about the wedding, but because they had such terrible taste, I was scared if I let them do what they wanted, my wedding would be an embarassing freak show (they wanted feathers everywhere and a cirque du soleil performance).

      Before the wedding my XMIL would try to control me through XSIL so it seemed like it was coming from a friendly sisterly place (it wasn’t).  They tried to tell me what type of bra and undergarments to wear and not to wear under my wedding dress. They also tried to tell me how I should hold hands with my father walking down the aisle and how to hold my EX Husband’s hand walking out of church. 

    After my wedding ceremony, my XMIL and XSIL wanted to touch up my make-up (after I paid my MUA an extra $300 to come to my venue and do it professionally!!). They thought I was too underdone. They like caked on trashy porn star looking make-up.  I loved my makeup that night and was terrified they would ruin it so I graciously declined the offer… about 4 or 5 times because they kept persisting. After the wedding my XSIL called me an immature baby for not letting her touch me up.  They tried to control tons of other ridiculous things that normal people wouldn’t think about, care about or stick their noses into.

    My advice to you is to make sure your Fiance is ALWAYS on your side.  Mine was up until after the wedding when I talked to XMIL about it like you did because I just couldn’t take the tension anymore and was trying so hard to have a good close relationship with her. She was constantly depressed around me and passive-aggressive towards me and would criticize my appearance and everything about me any time we were alone.  She later claimed they weren’t criticisms, that she just loved me and wanted the best for me so was telling me how I could improve myself and she sould be allowed as my mother-in-law to say whatever she wanted to say to me.  LOL.

    When we talked about it, she flew off the handle and attacked me and lashed out at me.  I saw the venom in her eyes when she spoke to me and it was the first glimpse I saw of how insane she truly was. I just cried and took it until I couldn’t anymore and ran out of the room.

    My ex was so mad at her for how she spoke to me and handled it, he didn’t speak to her for days but finally when they spoke she somehow convinced him it was my fault and that I was evil and he made me apologize to her because he said I hurt her feelings and that’s why she lashed out. Later that somehow turned into that she didn’t lash out that I’m just sensitive and took it the wrong way and that I take everything the wrong way. I was stupid and actually did apologize to her and still tried to have a relationship with her.

    If you have to postpone the wedding just to solidfy your relationship with Fiance please do it, although it seems like you guys are pretty good.  Your Fiance needs to make it clear to her that if she persists with her ridiculous behavior, he will cut her out.  She most likely will call his bluff and continue with her antics.  He has to be prepared to make good on his threat.  Then trust me she will behave because she won’t be able to handle not having her baby boy around. 

    Like Strawbabies said, she is a control freak who wants complete control over her son’s life.  Once you become her son’s wife that includes you – she’ll want to control you completely.  When I confronted my XMIL as mentioned above, she actually said to me, “you are OURS now” in the most evil, angry tone you can imagine.  Her English was terrible even after living in the US for 30 years, so I don’t know if she was trying to say I was part of her family now or I actually belonged to her.  But by the scary emphasis she put on the word “OURS” I think it was the latter.

    I guess my point is be prepared for her to get worse after the wedding.  Fiance is the one who has to set this straight.  Your Future Mother-In-Law has no respect for you and honestly she has none for her son either to be imposing herself the way she is and not respecting his wishes to back off.  That’s why she’s doing this.  Your Fiance needs to understand that she is doing this because she doesn’t respect him as an adult or a man.  Anything he does that she doesn’t like is YOUR fault because her baby boy can do no wrong and is not responsible for his own actions so you must be the one making him do it….I’ve been there.  She thinks her grown son still needs her like he did when he was a child and in he sick mind thinks she’s protecting him.  This is what happens when women’s only identity is motherhood.  How is your FMIL’s relationship with FFIL?  My ExMIL and Father-In-Law pretty much just existed together and had no relationship so ExMIL really had no purpose in life except the imagined one of caring for her adult children.

     Please feel him out and be sure he is not just playing to take your side until he gets that wedding ring on your finger.   Are there any red flags you can think of concerning your Fiance (NOT HIS FAMILY)??  Try to find out why his past relationships didn’t work out.

      I really hope it works out for you. Feel free to PM me about anything. Also, just wanted to edit to add, that we did not get divorced because of her.  We got divorced because after the wedding he started joining in on his mother’s verbal and emotional abuse of me and because he was a spineless pu**y who refused to cut the cord.

    Post # 51
    Member
    8434 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    View original reply
    @sheiskillingmysoul:  Do we have the same FMIL?  Because this is my Future Mother-In-Law exactly!  She’s like this she-beast that sucks my will to live.  Basically her motives revolve around her getting attention, and she’ll forsake anyone (her son, husband, etc) to get it.  Look up narcissistic personality disorder and it’s her through and through.  She almost split my Fiance and I up. 

    The most important thing is that you and your Fiance are on the same page.  When it comes to dealing with her, I just tell her what she wants to hear (Oh you look like you’ve lost weight, you’re such a good cook, Fiance says you were such a good mom, etc) and then do what I want to do anyways.  For example, she wanted us to send out save-the-dates, I thought it was a waste of postage, so I opted for a party.  Of course this didn’t sit well with her, but we invited people and told them it was her idea (potluck party in the town most of our guests are traveling in from).  Everyone loved the idea, and told her how awesome it was for her to think of it.  Her ego got so inflated, she decided to have it catered on her own dime.  I’ve come to realize it’s not what you say, but how you say it.  Plus, you can always vent about her here on WB lol.  Best of luck with everything!

    Post # 52
    Member
    2389 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    You didn’t have a poll choice for me – I have no MIL!  Or FIL!  Or any ILs!  They’ve both passed away and H was an only child.

    Post # 54
    Member
    120 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    View original reply
    @sheiskillingmysoul:  Hey! My DH is Middle Eastern so I completely understand what you are dealing with. My Mother-In-Law is a piece of work, and it got 1000x worse when we got engaged. Just drama, drama, drama. She threatened not to come to our wedding if it wasn’t what she wanted. We did what we wanted and she didn’t come. Our day was perfect and the loss was all her’s. I should add, though, that my DH was always the one to talk to her and *try* to reason with her. When we had our first child, the drama monster reared her head again, and again we just did things on our own terms. We have not seen her for 6 months and its honestly been a blessing. :/ 

    Here are some things I’ve found helpful in dealing with the HUGE cultural and personality issues:

    1. You and DH are your own family unit now. You must present a united face always. You make decisions togther and are always an “us.” That being said, let him do the talking and face time with his family, and you with yours. 

    2. Boundaries and distance. You MUST establish it now, and you must be inflexible about it. Your Fiance needs to move out now. If he is old enough to get married, he is old enough to live on his own. I promise that him moving out will cut your issues in half in the long run. His first loyalty is to you now, not his mother. 

    3. Some cultural ties must be cut for the sake of your marriage. In my case, DH’s parents both live in the US, but act as though they still live in their country of origin and except their children to do the same. My DH has chosen, for himself and for us, to reject this mentality and choose his own life. It was a process for him and both of us. This doesn’t mean he has rejected his heritage or family, but merely that he makes decisions that are in OUR best interest, and not in the name of tradition, culture and extended family. 

    I feel for you…its tough. Get on the same page with DH, set boundaries and let the chips fall where they may. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    628 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Divorced…not primarily due to her…but she helped it along quite nicely and continues to find ways to create havoc….

    1. During the marriage: she insisted on flying us across the country with my first baby (10lb/80z) at 3 weeks of age…result…infection and hemorrhage as well as long lasting infant attachment issues.

    2. During the marriage: she insisted on flying him across the country for his step sister’s wedding just after he landed a job (he was unemployed for the first 2 years of marriage…this time I was due with the second baby)…result…I was the only breadwinner for the entirety of the marriage.

    3. After the divorce: she bought him another vehicle after he crashed the one that was still in my name (he developed a severe drug addiction by this time)…result…a few fender benders here and there, few heart attacks on my part, kids know a lot more about what drug runs entail. The kids survived, have had one hell of a lot of counselling…the car did not.

    4. After the divorce: she paid to have his teeth removed, a bridge put in, his aparment cleaned up, a haircut, etc.  before child services could make their visit to confirm his drug usage…result…unsupervised access, more drug runs, more counselling for the kids.

    Post # 56
    Member
    628 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @sheiskillingmysoul:  You must not let her kill your soul! This is only my opinion…so as always, consider it amongst the other posters. 

    First, I would not go to something that I am not invited to…she is asking you to ‘crash’ somebody’s wedding…don’t do it!

    Second, I wouldn’t count on your Fiance to stand up to her (even if he’s a dear and wants to…it really won’t help matters to have him ‘pitted’ against his own mother)

    Third, I would not let her talk to me that way EVER again. Instead of crying or yelling back (both reactions that are normal), I would script out an assertive response on a piece of paper and keep it by the phone to refer to when she calls. There are actually ways to do this. Here’s a link to help you:  http://studentservices.fgcu.edu/StudentConduct/files/D.E.S.C._Script.pdf

    Fourth, although you seem pumped to take control of your own wedding (which is right…and admirable), I would not discount the possibility that she will find a way…any way…to sabotage things…if not before the wedding, then on the day itself. I might seriously talk with my Fiance about alternative ways to marry that would not give her an opportunity to create havoc.

    Sorry, but I am very jaded by my ex Mother-In-Law and her behavior 🙁

    Post # 57
    Member
    182 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I sympathize with you, however, I think you should have turned to your fiance to speak to his mother about whatever you wanted to convey, not your father giving her a “stern talk”.  It’s very rude. Plus if she is single or widowed depending on the culture a strange male being “stern” with her is just a full out attack, no matter how wrong or evil she was previously towards you.

    The thing is you and your Fiance are not two pre-schoolers in a sandbox that you need your parents to duke it out against each other.  You don’t mention what cultures you come from, but being an adult is just that – not having to run to mommy or daddy to fix things up for you.  I don’t mean to be harsh, but going forward it’s your FI’s job to be an interlocutor between this mother and you, and it’s his job to smooth things out to the point that everyone is civilized and polite to each other.  What do you think about this?

    The topic ‘FMIL just crossed a line….super long – sorry!’ is closed to new replies.

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