(Closed) FMIL just really wants to rub it in…. her songs for the mother son dance.

posted 12 years ago in Music
Post # 137
Member
46 posts
Newbee

I have nothing to add but want to say hang in there. You are strong and you can do this. Hugs.

Jeni 

Post # 138
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I just wanted to say: it takes a lot of strength and courage to stand up for yourself, especially to someone you love. I admire you for being able to do so, and I hope – whatever happens – that things work out for the best.

Post # 140
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would need couple’s counseling. I think when you get to a certain point in an ongoing issue like your FMIL’s interference, there needs to be a third party who is speaking to both of you and knows how to guide you two through the right questions and conversations. 

I’m so sorry your situation got to this point. 🙁 Please keep us updated. 

Post # 141
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

I definitely think you guys should try counseling. He definitely has some issues with his relationship with his mom, and he needs to work those out.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. It’s heartbreaking. But just know that you did the right thing by standing up for yourself and saying those songs weren’t okay. It was a hard thing to do, but I definitely think it was the right decision.

Post # 142
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

I think the big red flag here is that he keeps asking YOU to fix this. He threatened to call off the wedding unless YOU dealt with his mom. HIS mom! This issue is years & years in the making. Neither he nor his mother see how sick their relationship is, and neither one thinks there’s anything wrong. Why is it your job to fix his family’s problems?

Post # 143
Member
833 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I second Mitla’s comment 100%. YOU can’t fix this–he and you need to figure out if you both CAN fix it. I think you did the right thing. Unless you get counseling, he’s never going to change, and even if you do–be prepared for defensive behavior, because he truly believes he’s done nothing wrong nor has his mom.

Post # 144
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

I’m thirding Mitla’s comment, I couldn’t have said it better.  In additiont to that he seems (to me) oblivious to everything still and your Future Mother-In-Law will never see what she is doing as bad.

I could not go through with the wedding myself and nearly called off my own because of Future Mother-In-Law issues.  We sought counseling and everything is 10 times better. 

Post # 145
Member
1476 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

This is no longer about her, or her influence on your relationship, or your wedding, or her musical choices. This is now about your FH’s inability to put you first in the relationship you two share – and leave mom out of it. This will never change – trust me, I’ve been there. This is a problem with your Fiance – not you, and not his mom. Okay, somewhat his mom, but the problem wouldn’t exist if he wouldn’t allow it and stoke the fires.

This isn’t your problem to fix – I don’t care what your Fiance says. It’s HIS problem. And it really sounds like he doesn’t want to fix it, because he doesn’t see it that way. Girl, you deserve more than that. I think you’ve been totally reasonable and understandly frustrated. I don’t know what to tell you, but I am so, so sorry and I wish like anything that none of this was happening. You really can’t fix this. Giving her those songs won’t change a thing. Except that by allowing them BOTH to treat you like this, you may in fact lose your sense of self. It goes beyond those songs – it’s a control issue. And it’s SO not cool for them to do this. I wish you so much luck, please keep us updated. {{{{{HUGS.}}}}}}

Post # 146
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

So I’ve read a lot of this and I am going to take a third party look at it.

I think that despite the things that were said in the heat of anger and out of spite, I think you two love each other and there is a reason that you are getting married. I think that this current issue will be one that continues throughout your lives. However, that being said, I think that your Fiance will always have loyalty to his mother. They are family. But, he should also have loyalty to you. I don’t think you and your Future Mother-In-Law will be able to out-right fix the issues you have before the wedding. I think that if you and she can be adults about the situation and come to an agreement about a reasonable mother/son dance song, then the current catylst will be resolved. You can’t outright expect someone to abandon their family. I do think that it was right to call her to talk to her. I think the email was in poor taste and was childish, but I think you know that now in hindsight.

My overall opinion is: Say you are sorry to Future Mother-In-Law for your email and harsh words (whether or not she does is her problem) and get her to compromise with you about the song. Then, talk to your Fiance about the agreement you’ve come to with his mother and apologize for putting him in a tough spot between you and his mother. I think if you step up and be the bigger adult – meaning, you apoligize for your mistakes first and understand that his loyalty to Future Mother-In-Law and his challenges standing up to her – a lot of the grief surrounding all of this can start to be resolved. If you love your Fiance and want in your heart to spend the rest of your life with him, then I think you need to support your Fiance and teach him how to stand up against his mother. The relationship between him and his mother and the relationship between you and his mother is not going to change overnight. I think if you’ve been with him for 9 years and have never talked about his relationship with his mother, then it’s a tough spot to put him in so close to the wedding. Why was this not discussed before now?

There is no easy solution. But if you want to spend your life with him, this issue with the song needs to be resolved and you need to be the first person to apologize about it, be the bigger person regardless.

Post # 147
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

your SO sounds like he has never made a decision for himself – he constantly is asking YOU to fix it.  But if it’s his family, he needs to be the mediator and bring up these issues first.  If he can’t now, even after the prospect of calling off the wedding is raised, I doubt he ever will.  You sound like a strong woman, but not a strong woman that wants a wimpy man.  I think you’re making a good choice to stand your ground and see how he reacts.  Actions speak louder than words!  Good luck, and I don’t mean to offend you with my critique, just trying to give you honest feedback.  I think your relationship can certainly be salvaged, but something has to give.  It sounds like his family back home should be working with his mother on her drinking issues as well.  I know what I would do in this situation.  Stay strong!

Post # 148
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree with Laylabelle that giving her the songs won’t fix anything. I also agree with the others that counseling and really talking it over is the best thing. I think you’re so strong for standing up for yourself, but I worry that if you don’t try to work things out with him and just call the wedding off, you’ll always be asking yourself in the future “What if”? I think you should definitely give him another chance and try to work things with with a professional. 

Post # 149
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m afraid he’ll always side with his mother.  I think this is a problem.  And I don’t think it can be fixed in only a couple months.  He doesn’t seem to be taking ANY of the blame for what’s going on here, and really thinks you’re in the wrong.  And granted, you definitely own some of the blame, but so does HE.  I agree with the notion that your FH must take some responsibility and be willing to side with you.  Not always and unconditionally of course, if you are truly in the wrong, he should be able to tell you, but it struck me as a HUGE RED FLAG that his first response to you about this whole incident was “the wedding is off unless you make up with my mother.”  That’s not normal, yrret.  Without even HEARING your side, he took the side of his mother.  If you want this to work long term, you guys should HEAVILY consider couples’ counseling, and he might even want personal counseling.  Good luck and please do keep up updated.  Lots of hugs. 

Post # 150
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow. I read your post a few days ago and just saw how many comments there were so I checked back and this is NOT how I expected things to go! You’ve gotten a lot of good advice and I really have nothing to add except to say good luck and that you’ve got a lot of lovely ladies sending you positive vibes!

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