(Closed) FMIL keeps adding to the guest list… and isn’t really chipping in

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
439 posts
Helper bee

Unfortunately, I don’t have any ideas.  I can just commiserate.


I am having the exact same problem with my Future Mother-In-Law.  Our guest list went from 80 to 150.  Her reasoning is “well, you only get married once.”  (Not true in my case…this is my second marriage, FI’s first).  FI won’t say no to his mom, either.  His parents offered to help, but Fiance thinks I should ask my parents for money now.  My parents aren’t adding anyone to the guest list.  My portion of the guest list (meaning my immediate family and a few friends that aren’t FI’s friends) is 24 people.  My 24 people would have been the same people regardless of my parents helping.  My mom can’t pitch in (she’s single, and trying to retire), and I don’t have the kind of relationship with my dad to ask for money.

It just stinks.

Post # 4
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It sounds like you need to sit down with Fiance and have a firm budget talk.  Be prepared with the figures of what everything is going to cost and a break down of what the per person cost is.  You two need to be on the same page with finances, so if he wants to go into debt over this and you don’t, then you need to hash that out until you can agree with each other or come up with a compromise.  While sometimes amazing things happen to cover costs at the last second, that absolutely can’t be counted on.

I’m hoping that this is just a case of him truely not having a clue as to how much money weddings can cost and especially what it costs per person when you start adding people on!

Post # 5
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@VelvetBegonias:  Its not fair that you limited your family’s number of invitations but he doesn’t want to do the same with his family.  If the invitations haven’t gone out yet, bring her portion of the guest list with you for the holidays and tell her you’re so sorry, but the list has grown too large and you need to cut by X number of people and ask her to let you know who on her list she chooses to cut.  Make sure you tell her your family was limited in the number of people they can invite too.  If she gives you any guff about reducing the cost per plate, tell her you HAVE and this many people is still beyond your budget.  She can then either cut her list or offer to pay for a portion of the wedding.

One thing is key here though and that’s that your Fiance HAS to be on board with this plan and willing to back you up because she will of course appeal to him.  I suggest you talk to her together but YOU do the talking since he doesn’t seem comfortable with it.  He just has to be firm.

If you don’t want to ask her to cut anyone then just e-mail her and tell her the guest list is full and you can’t add any more people.  Period. 

Post # 6
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

put your foot down now. tell fmil the number of guests she’s allotted, and make her stick to that number. tell her if she doesn’t pare down her guest list, you will, and you might end up cutting the people closer to her since you don’t really who’s who.

Post # 7
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Oh I can relate.  I’m having the same problem with my step-mom.  she actually had the nerve to send me a spreadsheet of 63 people!!!

I think you need to talk with your Fiance and be on the same page before you address family.  We presented it as an issue of venue capacity (even though we could have more).  I said you can have X number of invitation, dispense of them how you will…anything over that will put us over capacity.  She is also aware that she will be paying for her guests that decide to come.

People usually understand capacity more than anything, since there’s no bargaining with that number…

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