FMIL making fiance choose between us

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

whoswho :  Is she very religious? Could you guys living together before getting married be something that really bothers her?

My neighbour is upset that her son is “living in sin” with his fiance and is constantly praying for their souls. She has decided that it’s her wicked FDIL that has led her boy astray (roll of the eyes)

ETA – I just read your update and am so sorry to hear she is ill. If she actually has cancer and it has metastasized to her bones, this is not good news. I’m still puzzled as to why she has decided to treat you this way and hope your Fiance is able to support his mom through her illness while setting boundaries as what is acceptable behaviour towards you. A tricky situation for sure given the sad and likely outcome for his mom.

Post # 77
Member
743 posts
Busy bee

mrstodd2bee :  

 

i disagree with this, I sort of get what your saying but if she’s not told them then how do you expect OP to tell you?? It’s very possible for 5 years to go by and not know the reason, it’s probably because the mother doesn’t have a reason other than OP is ‘taking away her son’ and so therefore can’t say specifics because she has no specifics. Don’t blame the OP for something probably out of her control!

 

 

I will just say say that I was in a similar situation (but wasn’t together as long or engaged) and after 2 1/2 years of being together he chose his mum. I just moved on to better things 8 years later he still lives with his mum.

 

Not saying this will happen to you but sometimes Mother’s dont think anyone is good enough. She will either learn to live with it or stop talking to both of you once you get married. Your partner does need to say something though!

Post # 78
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

Before I got to the cancer bombshell I was going to say that feelings just are and you don’t have to have done anything wrong for your FIL’s mother to have some kind of irrational antipathy to you. Of course, what is more important is that she manage those feelings more reasonably, unless she wants to be estranged from her son. If you’d actually caused her some offence or injury then that would be different but she should at least have been civil to you all this while.

Anyway, events have moved along, your fiance has drawn his boundary about how you have been treated. It’s a little late, but good so far.

If the cancer is in her bones, the prognosis is not good. I certainly wouldn’t want to be imposing myself on a dying or very ill woman who can’t stand the sight of me and I am sure you wouldn’t want to either. Your fiance is way off base in telling her he’s going to force you on her. I know he must be in shock, but no.

I think you should gracefully keep in the background, support your fiance as much as you can, and let time take care of the rest. If she does survive and life returns to normal then you can look at the situation again. 

With all that said, it would not be acceptable that you be excluded from high days and holidays to humour the sick woman. You are not a dirty secret or side piece he has to work into the periphery of his main life. His mother can see him the day before or in the days after the main calendar dates. Also, he is to be firm with his father to ensure that he doesn’t treat you disrespectfully, too. 

Post # 79
Member
7020 posts
Busy Beekeeper

OP your mom sounds like my aunt. My male cousin has always been a mommas boy and she has never *loved* any of his GFs in the past. He started dating this new girl a few years back, and everything seemed ok at first. Then they decided to move across the world and she was convinced it was all the Girlfriend trying to take her baby away. Anyways they ended up moving back home a little while ago and moved to a small town. Wasn’tgood enough for my auntie because it was too far away. Then she got pregnant and had the baby, but since they didnt want to move back to the city my aunt thought it was a personal slight so that she wouldn’t be able to see the baby as much. She would talk soo much shit about this poor girl it was really bad. FINALLY he stood up to her (via email, but still) and said that if she wasnt going to support their entire family (mom, dad and baby) then she would not have a relationship with any of them. He went NC for maybe like 3 months, which the baby grew a lot, and they missed a ton. Auntie eventually reached out and apologized and they slowly integrated her back into their lives. 

So anyways, I totally get how it can seem totally random. But your Fiance really does need to take a firm stance. He cant just “bring you around no matter what”, thats BS. Until he shows his mom that you are a priority she isn’t going to change. If I were your Fiance, i would say something like “I understand you are going through a difficult time, but that doesnt give you the right to be a fucking piece of shit (or whatever term you prefer) to my fiancee. She is a very important part of my life and I will not stand for you treating her this way. I dont care what your reasons are, and you dont have to like her, but you DO need to treat her with respect and be civil. If you can’t handle that, then I won’t be coming around anymore.”

Post # 80
Member
743 posts
Busy bee

Did not read the cancer bit. I have no idea what to say then. I’m sorry

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