(Closed) FMIL not coming to shower because she's not "comfortable"….

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I don’t think it’ll be weird.  I know you are sad but believe me it will turn out great.  The day will be about you and those closest to you will be there to celebrate.


Post # 4
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

No, other than my Future Mother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law, none of FI’s family will be at my shower, either.  Just focus on all the people who are there and love you!

Post # 5
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s not weird at all, and if someone has the courage to admit they are uncomfortable in a settng like a shower, or would feel out of place, it’s kind of hard to fault them for it.  It is always disappointing not to have everyone we want surrounding us, but some social settings really are overwhelming for some folks, and I’d never force someone I really love to do something that makes them feel really uncomfortable. 

It’s always worth a try to describe the event to your Future Mother-In-Law in hopes that comparing it to something she’s been through before might make her more open to trying something new, but don’t be angry with her or even too disappointed because it probably isn’t easy for her to say no.

Post # 6
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

What  @fishbone  said. I would try to describe the event to her better because she might not be clear on what it is. My sister is hosting a shower right before my wedding and invited by Future Mother-In-Law. My Future Mother-In-Law replied to my sister that surely it was a mistake that she was invited, wouldn’t that be awkward? I guess Future Mother-In-Law was thinking of more bachelorette party-type games and activities and lingerie and crazy partying and thought that I would be uncomfortable with her there. Once my sister explained that it was lots of other adults and a really low key dinner, she decided to come. But other people I wanted to come can’t, and I wouldn’t let it concern you too much, I’m sure you’ll have fun either way.

Post # 7
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Nope not wierd.  My Mother-In-Law couldn’t make it to the shower bc she was out of town on a pre-planned trip.  This was the only time that worked for my BMs so she understood.  Only two ppl from DH’s side came and it was fine.  You are so busy with your friends and family that you won’t even notice her absence.

Post # 8
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t worry.  At my shower there was Future Mother-In-Law, FCIL and her daugther.  That is all I had from FI’s side of the family.  It won’t be weird.  It’s just sad that she won’t participate in things when you guys are actually close!

Post # 10
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If she’s a great cook or baker you could also say “I love your (insert tasty treat here) and would love everyone to be able to try it. If it’s not pushy of me to ask, would you mind making enough for a crowd? And I wouldn’t dream of asking you for a gift, so don’t you dare buy one, because that tasty dish is present enough for me!”

Cooking and feeding a crowd is one of those universal activities that transcends all cultures. Everyone can relate to putting on a big meal for guests.  Bringing this familiar aspect to it all might make her more comfortable attending. You could even ask her to help take notes on who gives what, so you can do your thank-you cards, which will keep her involved in the gift routine without requiring her to actually buy a gift.

But I would absolutely not force her into attending. Even though it’s generally a tame party, if she’s dead-set against it, then she won’t enjoy it. 

Post # 11
8432 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@fresitachulita:  She might feel really uncomfortable at the thought of a shower and is trying not to let you know that because it is a tradition in your society. I am guessing she is from a society where showers don’t exisit. I can understand how she feels. We don’t traditionally have showers here (they are creeping in thanks to the internet) and I find a lot of the posts on here that complain about not getting a shower or being dissapointed in the one they got etc disgusting because to me it is a party to shower the bride with gifts which is just wrong where I come from and anyone who gets one shoudl be thankful!

I personally wouldn;t want to force my Future Mother-In-Law into any situation which was against her beliefs or where she felt uncomfortable. I would just let jer know that she will be missed but that you understand. She probably already feels bad enough!


Post # 13
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think I can understand at least a little bit as to how you must feel. There was no one from my then-FI’s/nowDH’s side at my primary shower either.  He specifically did not want me to include any of them — not even his mother — in the information that I provided to the Maid/Matron of Honor and bridesmaids who were hosting the shower and who had asked me for a list.  

DH’s reasoning was that, 1) they all lived at least three to 13-and-a-half hours away from where the shower was taking place, and 2) he knew that none of them would have the resources to spare to purchase shower gifts for me, not to mention the resources for travel expenses so soon before our wedding. 

I was a bit upset by this, not because I needed to have them spend money to buy me gifts, but because I, too, felt that it would be weird to have my mom and aunts travel to be there and have no one there from DH’s family.  However, I did understand his reasons. Still, I was very worried that THEY would wonder why “I” (not that I was involved in the planning of my shower, but still) did not invite them. I told him that, if he didn’t want them to be invited that he would need to step up and take responsibility for that if any of their feelings were hurt.

One of my two stepdaughters and my stepdaughter-in-law were involved in the shower that a group of ladies from DH’s church hosted for me in DH’s town, however, so it was nice that two members of his family lived in that area and were able to be at one of my pre-wedding events.

Post # 14
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t have any of my FI’s family at my shower. For a few reasons, they lived 5 hours away and they didn’t have an interest in coming. They also didn’t want to throw me a shower and so didn’t. I have to admit I was lil hurt when I found out, but thats life and I had a great shower no matter what!

Post # 15
3303 posts
Sugar bee

@abbie017:  I agree. It won’t be weird at all. I was semi dreading inviting my Future Mother-In-Law.

Post # 16
1736 posts
Bumble bee

@Hippos:  Same thing is happening to me. My Future Mother-In-Law told me that she doesn’t “do” showers. Oh well – what can I do but enjoy it without her!

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