Post # 1
So our wedding invitations went out this week, and due to the strained/non existant relationship between my Future Mother-In-Law and FH he has decided he does not want her at our wedding. Which I totally understand as she is a horrible person (long story!) however he has 2 sisters from his mothers side. 1 sister who is 22 (also engaged) and a younger half sister who is 9.
We invited his 2 sisters and the older sisters FH, and we are/were having his younger sister as a bridesmaid.
However since the older sister realised her mother is not invited she is refusing to go. Which I don’t mind as she is an awful person too but my FH is close to her and makes excuses for her behavior (and since its his sister, its his decision to invite her or not) however the problem comes with the fact she is refusing to let the younger sister attend too. When she already knows she is supposed to be a bridesmaid, and its not only causing us upset as we would love her to be in the wedding, but she is also very upset as she was looking forward to being a bridesmaid!
I am not sure how to sort this situation, as since the younger sister is a half sister we do not speak to her father so we can’t bypass it like that and ask him to arrange for her to come to the wedding (even at our expense) Due to her age she doesn’t have social media or her own phone so we cant even communicate with her to arrange something, or explain whats happened.
The mother and older sister are refusing for us to have her at the wedding and I do not know what to do. We offered to have her stay at ours for a few nights before the wedding and travel with me to the hotel the night before etc. all at our own expense, and their response was ‘we do not feel its appropriate to have *name* at your wedding’
They aren’t returning our calls, and due to know what they are like, I am sure they will not change their minds over the next few months. She wants to be a bridesmaid and my FH and I really want her to be involved as she shouldn’t have to suffer because her mother and sister are nasty people.
Before anyone suggests it, we are not inviting Future Mother-In-Law no matter what to the wedding, as although we really want the younger sister to be a bridesmaid, by FH being comfortable and happy at his own wedding is much more important. So I need advice as to if you’d just leave it and not have her as a bridesmaid or how you’d approach the situation to try and talk them round to letting her attend.
Thank you 🙂
Post # 2
Well she’s a 9 year old child, so you need cooperation from mom. So yeah, this isnt going to happen. Sometimes there’s collateral damage when you cut people out and this is an example. There’s nothing you can do, I’d let it go unless you guys want to fan the flames and rub it in more.
Post # 3
Just leave it alone. IF they do not want to attend due to loyalty for their mother – respect that and just carry on. You can still say the invitation to have one as a Bridesmaid or Best Man is open and that you want the other one to attend – but you understand their reluctance to attend and you understand. But, keep it moving and take the higher road… have your wedding, enjoy the day then most of all, enjoy your marriage and work on those other relationships as necessary.
Post # 4
I’m not sure how you expected a 9 year old to attend and partake in a wedding without her mother. Sorry for the situation though.
Post # 5
The younger one really wants to attend, its the older sister thats causing the problems. But either way I will just have to leave it and see if the older one starts acting like an adult before the wedding….(not hopeful!)
Post # 6
There will be other family there, and we would take her to and back from the wedding which is a major pain for us but if it means she will come its worth it. Unfortunately all 3 siblings have had to have most of their life without their mother…the 9 year old even had to come live with us for a year because of the issues at home.
Post # 7
I don’t see how you thought this was going to work out. What parent would let their kid participate in a wedding that they were specifically not invited to?
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
+1 Decisions have consequences. You made your decision, they are making theirs. That needs to be respected from both sides.
Post # 9
I think you need to just accept that there is nothing you can do. If you keep asking, all you are doing is feeding her; she wants to get to you, and is using her daughter to do so. You will not change the outcome, so it is a waste of time and energy trying to do so.
We had a similar situation and did end up inviting Mother-In-Law as in our case we felt it was the ‘lesser of two evils’, so I can sympathise; it’s very difficult for all involved, and it’s horrible when they drag other people into it to try to get to you.
Post # 10
Why don’t you just invite his mother? Seems like less drama all round. Trust me, at your wedding you won’t even notice who’s there and who isn’t. We only had 70 guests and there were plenty of people that I barely got to talk to for more than 2 minutes.
Post # 11
Good luck I hope it goes well! I just sent my invites out and am worried FIs mum won’t let his 8 year old half brother go just out of spite.
I don’t have any real advice unfortunately.
Post # 12
I disagree with people saying invite his mum. FIs mum kicked him out of home multiple times before the age of 14 (as well as his 2 sister’s) and disowned him and has always treated him like crap. No way is she coming.
Post # 13
OP clearly stated that isn’t an option, and I can understand that. I would also say that inviting her is not necessarily going to be less drama, she may well deliberately cause drama at the wedding if she comes. It really depends on the iindividual situation.
Post # 14
I know you’ve decided to just leave it be, so I worn diapence that advice again.
I just wanted to say I’m sorry she’s interfering with your big day.
To the pp suggesting she should just invite the mom, I might agree if it were some random guest, but it’s his mother. Her presence would not go unnoticed because broken parental relationships are extremely painful. I don’t really understand how you expect someone to ignore a person that has caused them a lot of pain at their own wedding. Plus in this case, it would also be giving in to bullying, which I would understandably not.
Post # 15
So that’s a really tough situation to be in…I’ve always been of the view of letting the groom deal with many of his familial issues. That being said, I had my challenges with my mil leading up to mywedding. While I understand there may have been issues with your FH and his mother, I do think out of respect, an invitation should have been extended, and give her the choice to decline. I speak to my own situation with my father, who in the months leading up to my wedding I had no intention of inviting. But I conceded to pressure from my mother, and while he declined the invitation for his health reasons, I received a blessing from him, (the last person I would have expected such from) and healingf from our broken relationship.
I don’t know the relationship your FH has with his mother, but even when my Mother-In-Law protested against my husband and I getting married, I insisted that she receive her due respect and be invited,a place setting at the reception, even invitations for a few friends she may have wanted to invite. She came to the ceremony, barely smiled and was noticeably absent during the reception. Till this day, no congratulations or even acknowledgement of me as his wife, but my conscience is clear. As nasty as your Future Mother-In-Law may be, sometimes you have kill ppl with kindness, contrary to how our emotions may want to dictate we act.
As for the sister as a bridesmaid, let’s be real, there’s no that could have worked out. It would be an insult to his mother, blatantly embarassing even. For such a tough choice to not have the mother present, you should have been prepared to not have her daughter actively engaged in your wedding. A wedding is just a day, a small dot in the journey of marriage and life after it. Carefully consider what life you want to live with your family and even in-laws long after the wedding. If it’s peace, then we have to sometimes sacrifice for that end goal.
That’s my 2 cents…