Post # 1
So my fiance and I are getting married in the Episcopal church (my religion), which has no problem with the fact that we are living together. His family is Catholic, and he knew they’d be very unhappy about us cohabitating. (Wouldn’t have been my choice not to be upfront with them, but it is not my choice how he deals with his parents.)
But we decided to finally tell them we’ve lived together for awhile since they will be meeting my parents soon (who do know we live together and are fine with it, but not fine with lying about it to them.)
My Future Mother-In-Law and I overall have a great relationship, but she is really upset that we are living together and had lied about it. Now we have a trip planned next month to visit the city we’ll be married in and his family will be joining us. I feel like it will be so awkward, I don’t know how to hande it.
Anyone go through a similar experience? How did you deal with the fallout? How long did your parents or in-laws stay mad about the cohabitation?
Post # 3
Ouch, the fact that he lied about it makes it a lot worse :/ I don’t really have any advice, except to avoid the subject as much as possible and be as charming and friendly as you can! FI’s dad is a minister and we lived together even before we were engaged…they certainly didn’t like it, but they are grown ups and have learned to accept it. It hasn’t tainted any interactions with us! Hopefully your FI’s family is the same way 🙂
Post # 4
I would just deflect everything to your Fiance, I don’t think being dishonest was a good choice but it sounds like that one is on him and since it’s his family he should be dealing with any drama surrounding it.
Post # 5
@Toeternityandbeyond: I think that if/when the subject comes up say, “Well, I understand you’re upset and hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive us in time.” That way, it is clear that you’re acknowledging their disappointment but you’re also making it known that in order for everyone to get past this, the ball is in their court.
EDIT: The other nice thing about this is that forgiveness is highlighted. Asking for and, hopefully, receiving forgiveness is a part of their faith, so perhaps this will strike a common chord with the family.
Post # 6
I think that this is your FI’s responsiblity to handle. He was the one who lied to his mother about your situation and she is his mother. I agree that offering an apology if it comes up and making sure that you hope to get past it helps, but I think you need to stay out of it as much as you can.
Post # 7
Yup I agree. This is between him and his mom. I would stay out of it for the most part, and if you must talk about it just say you hope they can understand and respect your decision and move forward.
Post # 8
I agree that you both should apologize and ask for forgiveness (forgiveness is a big part of being Catholic, so you’ve got that going for you! Ha!). Just know that the awkwardness will pass with time, try not to let it rattle you for now. I wouldn’t necessarily run away from conversations about it though, since you played a role in doing something that is against their beliefs. “I understand you don’t approve, but it’s important to us to live together because X, Y, Z.”
My Fiance lied to his parents about my age for an entire year when we were first together. I was pretty upset because their confusion emerged when they were taking me out to celebrate my birthday! But it’s been over six years since that happened, no one talks about it anymore, and I have a great relationship with my Future In-Laws. I’m sure once you are married they will quickly forget about it.
Post # 9
@Toeternityandbeyond: I think your Fiance should deal with it. He is the one who lied/withheld information. I don’t think this reflects poorly on you. I would carry on with his folks just like you always did.
Post # 10
Haha I’m loving all these pragmatic ask for forgiveness suggestions! I did kind of have to (ok maybe chose to) play along with the lie since that’s how he chose to deal with it, but I def agree it’s overall his problem. I did email her saying I understand why you’re upset, sorry, hope we can all have a nice time. Future Mother-In-Law hasn’t responded yet, we’ll see how it goes…
Post # 11
My Fiance family is also Catholic, and we had a similar situation. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for like, 3 years. For the first 1.5 years of trying, Fiance decided he didn’t want to tell them. He thought that just getting pregnant and having a baby around would be a BETTER solution than telling them we were trying beforehand. Catholic “oops” > planned pregnancy outside of marriage. Nonsense in my book, but w/e.
I totally disaggreed (I mean, I’m not going to lie to them if they ask if the baby was a mistake!!), but it’s his parents and not mine. But now that we’re getting married, I feel like they are MY parents too, so I sorta put my foot down. I won’t lie to them, and I won’t be complicit in his lies. We told them together, and they were really, really disappointed. Not angry, just…..sad. But now that it’s been another 1.5 years and we’re still trying, they’ve totally come around.
Moral of the story, I feel like time heals all wounds. Especially these tpes of wounds. Just wait it out, continue to follow others suggestions of breifly expressing regret for lying (but not for cohabitating), and moving on with different conversation. They will get over it 🙂
Post # 12
OK I think you are all right that time will heal and that it’s really more between him and his mom.
But I’m feeling upset because I did reach out to her with an email, and then resent it (with a note “Just wanted to resend in case you hadn’t seen this, I know there was a lot going on on Sunday. If you did see it, I certainly hope it wasn’t interpreted in any other way than as the sincere gesture of goodwill intended.”), and she hasn’t acknowledged it.
Like I didn’t write any questions in it, but I would expect her to say, hey thanks for reaching out, I need some time, but I’m looking forward too, or *something*.
I will say that overall we have a good relationship and she’s built up enough goodwill to warrant the benefit of the doubt, but it’s like that’s why I’m hurt that she’s totally giving me the cold shoulder. So middle school!
Post # 13
OK here is the original email I sent, am I crazy or does this warrant a response?!
Since I know you’re looking at reserving a ticket soon I just wanted to give you confirmation that my mom is coming up on the Saturday and is so very excited we will all be in the same place, so there is no need to stay Sunday afternoon and meet her.
I understand you must feel betrayed and I’m sorry for my part in deceiving you. I don’t know what to say except for that the person Fiance least wants to disappoint in the world is not me, nor his bosses, nor his friends, but you, which is why it was so hard for him to bring himself to tell you about our living situation. The irony that lying about it added insult to injury is not lost on me.
I would hate for this to damage our relationship or put a damper on the trip. I’ve always been grateful to be so welcomed into FI’s family, and I so appreciate all your help with the wedding planning. Looking forward to seeing you all in a few weeks.
Post # 14
Your email is nice, but I personally don’t feel that you have to apologise to Future In-Laws for your FI’s actions. I would have refused to go along with the deception in the first place.
I let my ex H pretend to his family that we weren’t dating for 7 years. Yep, 7 long years. Honestly, looking back, I could smack myself. He disrespected all of us – it was pure selfishness and cowardice.
If you aren’t prepared to admit you are living as an adult, all it shows is how immature you really are.
Post # 15
I think enough is enough. You apologized via email, the truth is out, now just move forward.
i wouldn’t bring it up when you’re all together, it is what is, just a bump in the road in terms of your relationship with your mil but enough already.
You’re adults, you can make choices she doesn’t agree with.
Honestly, I wouldn’t set a precedent of bending over backwards to apologize to her or she’ll look for that every time you guys make a decision she doesn’t like. She needs to get over it and be nice too.