(Closed) FMIL not pleased about cohabitation, here's the awkward part..

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Ouch, the fact that he lied about it makes it a lot worse :/ I don’t really have any advice, except to avoid the subject as much as possible and be as charming and friendly as you can! FI’s dad is a minister and we lived together even before we were engaged…they certainly didn’t like it, but they are grown ups and have learned to accept it. It hasn’t tainted any interactions with us! Hopefully your FI’s family is the same way 🙂 

Post # 4
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

I would just deflect everything to your Fiance, I don’t think being dishonest was a good choice but it sounds like that one is on him and since it’s his family he should be dealing with any drama surrounding it. 

Post # 5
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Toeternityandbeyond:  I think that if/when the subject comes up say, “Well, I understand you’re upset and hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive us in time.” That way, it is clear that you’re acknowledging their disappointment but you’re also making it known that in order for everyone to get past this, the ball is in their court.

EDIT: The other nice thing about this is that forgiveness is highlighted. Asking for and, hopefully, receiving forgiveness is a part of their faith, so perhaps this will strike a common chord with the family.

Post # 6
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think that this is your FI’s responsiblity to handle. He was the one who lied to his mother about your situation and she is his mother. I agree that offering an apology if it comes up and making sure that you hope to get past it helps, but I think you need to stay out of it as much as you can.

Post # 7
Member
5405 posts
Bee Keeper

Yup I agree. This is between him and his mom. I would stay out of it for the most part, and if you must talk about it just say you hope they can understand and respect your decision and move forward. 

Post # 8
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree that you both should apologize and ask for forgiveness (forgiveness is a big part of being Catholic, so you’ve got that going for you! Ha!). Just know that the awkwardness will pass with time, try not to let it rattle you for now. I wouldn’t necessarily run away from conversations about it though, since you played a role in doing something that is against their beliefs. “I understand you don’t approve, but it’s important to us to live together because X, Y, Z.”

My Fiance lied to his parents about my age for an entire year when we were first together. I was pretty upset because their confusion emerged when they were taking me out to celebrate my birthday! But it’s been over six years since that happened, no one talks about it anymore, and I have a great relationship with my Future In-Laws. I’m sure once you are married they will quickly forget about it.

Post # 9
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Toeternityandbeyond:  I think your Fiance should deal with it.  He is the one who lied/withheld information.  I don’t think this reflects poorly on you.  I would carry on with his folks just like you always did. 

Post # 11
Member
22 posts
Newbee

My Fiance family is also Catholic, and we had a similar situation. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for like, 3 years. For the first 1.5 years of trying, Fiance decided he didn’t want to tell them.  He thought that just getting pregnant and having a baby around would be a BETTER solution than telling them we were trying beforehand.  Catholic “oops” > planned pregnancy outside of marriage.  Nonsense in my book, but w/e. 

 

I totally disaggreed (I mean, I’m not going to lie to them if they ask if the baby was a mistake!!), but it’s his parents and not mine.  But now that we’re getting married, I feel like they are MY parents too, so I sorta put my foot down.  I won’t lie to them, and I won’t be complicit in his lies.  We told them together, and they were really, really disappointed.  Not angry, just…..sad.  But now that it’s been another 1.5 years and we’re still trying, they’ve totally come around.

 

Moral of the story, I feel like time heals all wounds.  Especially these tpes of wounds.  Just wait it out, continue to follow others suggestions of breifly expressing regret for lying (but not for cohabitating), and moving on with different conversation.  They will get over it  🙂

Post # 14
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Your email is nice, but I personally don’t feel that you have to apologise to Future In-Laws for your FI’s actions.  I would have refused to go along with the deception in the first place. 

I let my ex H pretend to his family that we weren’t dating for 7 years.  Yep, 7 long years.  Honestly, looking back, I could smack myself.   He disrespected all of us – it was pure selfishness and cowardice.  

If you aren’t prepared to admit you are living as an adult, all it shows is how immature you really are. 

 

Post # 15
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think enough is enough. You apologized via email, the truth is out, now just move forward.

 

i wouldn’t bring it up when you’re all together, it is what is, just a bump in the road in terms of your relationship with your mil but enough already.

You’re adults, you can make choices she doesn’t agree with.

 

Honestly, I wouldn’t set a precedent of bending over backwards to apologize to her or she’ll look for that every time you guys make a decision she doesn’t like. She needs to get over it and be nice too.

 

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