Post # 1
My mother is throwing my bridal shower in New Jersey and my Future Mother-In-Law was supposed to be throwing my bridal shower in Michigan. I was originally going to drive there, but it’s over 12 hours one way and all of that way for one day for a couple hours, is not worth the money when trying to afford a wedding (sounds harsh, but true). We were going to do it over skype. My FSIL/bridesmaid and Future Mother-In-Law were going to plan the whole thing and have it as a breakfast bridal shower. BUT now she told me that she is no longer having a bridal shower. This gets a little longer. bare with me please.
My wedding is taking place in Michigan, roughly 2 hours from where his parents live and where most of the family lives. The farthest someone lives in his family from the wedding is about 5 hours. Not only is it a 2-5 hour drive, BUT you also have to take a ferry ride to the island where it is taking place, which is $22 round trip. HIS family FLIPPED out (not all, but some). They cannot believe that not only do they have to pay for gas, but they have to pay for boat tickets as well. They’re all angry, cannot believe that they have to pay $22 for boat tickets.
Meanwhile my family is from Upstate New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Georgia, and Florida. These people are driving over 12 hours ONE WAY or paying for $500-600 for a plane ticket to my wedding. They are also paying for hotel rooms, boat tickets, etc and NONE have complained. They are excited, can’t wait, and are looking forward to it. HIS family, who lives the closest has done NOTHING but bitch about this.
Future Mother-In-Law decided that instead of having a bridal shower everyone can save their money to pay for the boat tickets. It’s annoying. If you don’t want to pay for a boat ticket and think this is such a burden simply RSVP no. My family on the other hand can careless what the boat tickets cost, plane tickets cost, etc. My family is NOT far off and are not rolling in dough, but they understand you only get married once (hopefully 🙂 ) and really want to make the best of their time in Michigan for our wedding.
Post # 3
She sound spiteful and that was not kind of her what so ever. What did your FH say about that?
Post # 4
@ashleyyyg: First of all, your Future Mother-In-Law shouldn’t have canceled an event over needing to pay for boat tickets. That wasn’t very graceful of her.
But let me clarify real quick — your Future Mother-In-Law was going to throw a bridal shower for you which you wouldn’t be attending in person? You’re kind of the main event, hon. Without you, that’s your Future Mother-In-Law shelling out for a party at which everyone has cake and punch and stares at the monitor. I understand 100% that traveling in for a couple hours while you’re busy and trying to save for the wedding isn’t a really feasible idea — but if you can’t afford to travel to come see folks, why should they buy another gift and get together to talk about your wedding?
I may be unaware of the nuances of the situation, so I apologize if I’ve offended. But maybe that’s where some of the tension’s coming from as far as who spends money on what.
FWIW, I live in the middle of the country, am having my wedding in the western half of my state (where my FI’s from), and my family’s in the eastern part of the state. We’re doing my shower at home between Christmas and New Year precisely for this reason — it’s too expensive to travel just for the heck of it! So I do sympathize with your quandary.
Post # 5
Honestly, the whole Skype shower thing is just a gift grab to me. Some people are fine with it but I find it awkward and desperate. People attend a shower to celebrate with the guest of honor (you). If you’re not going to be there, some of his family may feel that there is no point in having a shower (I would). You could have gone out there but you choose not to. I don’t really think that you can be upset that they don’t want to throw you a shower that you don’t even want to attend.
Post # 6
“but if you can’t afford to travel to come see folks, why should they buy another gift and get together to talk about your wedding?”
^ Well said.
It sounds like you’ll enjoy your in-person shower with your side of the family, so why do you need two anyway? I agree that people may be acting a little stingy by complaining about all the travel and that if you can’t afford/don’t want to afford to attend a wedding, then they certainly could RSVP no. But as far as the shower thing goes, I’d just let it go. It does come across as gift-grabby anyhow.
Post # 7
@UpstateCait: This, really. I’d feel quite uncomfortable being invited to a shower where the bride was attendance only by Skype. It would feel very gift grabby and awkward.
Post # 8
Hmmm…I’m not trying to sound cynical here, but I didn’t have ANY bridal showers as I live on the opposite side of the country from the rest of my family. Every other cousin in my family had one (and we have a very large family), but this was just the way it was since I was out-of-state. I’d try to just be happy that you are getting one bridal shower. They aren’t completely neccessary (although it is nice when they happen!). While I agree that complaining about boat tickets isn’t the nicest thing to do and she certainly shouldn’t have used that as an excuse to cancel your shower, I think that it is best just to let this one go…
Post # 9
The bridal shower was never mentioned to the actual family, just to the immediate family. They were all gun-hoe about it and ready to plan it. I asked her if I should even have a bridal shower because I am not going to be there and she said it’s fine we can do skype or we can figure it out because they WILL come whether I am there or not because it’s free food and his family is so cheap they will NEVER turn down free food. My Fiance is from Michigan and I am not. Traveling to Michigan costs nearly $500 each time. In the past 3 years we have traveled there over 10 times to visit the family, so nearly $5,000 just to see THEM. We are tight on money trying to afford a wedding and CANNOT dish out $500 just for a couple hours when I’m trying to afford their food and a big party for them. Actually, one of my FI’s cousin’s had a “mail order” bridal shower because she is in Seattle Washington so it is not uncommon or something that they are not used to at all. I would consider THAT gift grabby. That was not a big deal at all to them. They are complaining about the boat tickets and so without even asking anyones opinions she told me shes not throwing one at all and everyone will just save their money to buy the boat tickets because they have come to her bitching about the cost of the tickets….why even come if you just want to bitch about the boat tickets. It’s $22 and they got save the dates OVER a year in advance….it’s nothing new.
I don’t think it is unreasonable to do a skype bridal shower….they wouldn’t have cared either. She just wants to make it easier on them and accomodate them by saving their money for the boat tickets so that they can come. They would not have cared if I was there or not, like I said…they all had a mail order bridal shower for his cousin. His mother never had a problem paying for the cake, prizes, food, etc. It was that she wanted to make them happy and make sure they would come to my wedding so she canceled so instead of buying the gifts they would buy tickets to the wedding. Just tell them to not come!
Post # 10
@ashleyyyg: Ok. That didn’t really change my advice, though. Just enjoy the one you have with your mom. 🙂
Post # 11
His mother just informed me that the money she would have spent on the food, cake, prizes, etc (about $300) she will actually give us in gifts, but she wants to make it easier on everyone and try to get them to shut up about the boat tickets and make it so that they can actually come.
I still think it’s annoying that they are complaining about $22 for boat tickets…my family hasn’t said a word about the flight costs, travel fees, hotel rooms, or boat tickets and they are traveling the furthest.
Post # 12
I know everyone has a budget and needs to allocate funds to the things that are most important, but it IS customary for the bride and the groom (or their parents) to cover all of the wedding costs. That’s why some people get irked by cash bars..
We’re planning on covering the cost of parking for all of our guests, because we don’t want people to have to shell out money to attend our wedding. We purposely didn’t pick a venue because parking was too expensive and we couldn’t cover it.
$22 per person is kind of a lot of money. Especially when they’re already bringing you a gift and traveling out of town for your wedding. Just oferring another view..
Post # 13
I do agree with others that a shower via skype seems like a gift grab. I can definitely see why she didn’t think it was worth the trouble if the guest of honor couldn’t make the trip. Just enjoy the shower your mother is throwing you.
Post # 14
Atleast you are getting one bridal shower, some brides dont have anyone offer to throw them one. 🙂 I wouldn’t stress over it. The one you are still having is the one in person… and with your side of the family 🙂
Post # 15
@CaliforniaLove: I agree. I wouldn’t be terribly put out if asked to spend an extra $22 but I know people who would. An extra $20 is a lot to some. Some of our guests gave us $25-$30 as our gift so I imagine that if we had asked them to pay an additional $22 just to attend, it wouldn’t have been well received.
Post # 16
I think you should count your blessings that you don’t have to sit in front of a computer for hours on end while they throw you a bridal shower and bitch about $22 boat tickets. My FMIL/FFIL have a cottage close to Mackinaw Bridge in MI so I know what the economic situation is like there and for most, $22 is unfortunately not in the budget. I know it sounds ridiculous, like who can’t afford a $22 boat ticket?, but its pretty true, things are not good in that area right now. What if they have a bridal shower for you the day before the wedding? I know it would be last minute, or maybe if you could plan a couple months in advance for next time you’ll be visiting and could fit it in then. I agree tho that for Future Mother-In-Law to cancel your shower is not cool.