(Closed) FMIL – “Oh No She Didn’t!!”

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I would have a conversation with Future Mother-In-Law explaining that you did not appreciate being confronted and if she wants to discuss YOUR wedding plans with you in future, she needs to keep a civil tongue in her head (but don’t use those exact words…lol). Then have your Fiance talk with her b/c he can probably get away with  being more blunt than you can. She needs to know in no uncertain terms that her behavior was inexcusable and should not happen again.

I know you will probably feel resentful for a while but you are going to have to deal with Future Mother-In-Law for a long time so just fake it til you make it.

Post # 4
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I think fiance definitely needs to have a chat with his mother regarding her inappropriate behavior. Of course you would not say anything, you don’t want to come off disrespectful, so it’s actually your fiance place to check her. We are having a Friday evening wedding and fortunately have not received any flack (well at least not directly). It’s typically more expensive to host an evening wedding on a Saturday, so before you decide to change check on that. At the end of the day, if Future Mother-In-Law is not willing to contribute financially, then she has very little say so regarding the day. The guests who REALLY want to be there….will come….period!

Post # 5
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Wow, I think that unless your Mother-In-Law would like to pay for the difference between a Friday and Saturday reception then she needs to stay quiet.  I’m so sorry you have been put in this position.

Post # 6
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

Just want to say that i agree 100% with professorbee. Fiance should talk to her abt how she made you feel, too.

Post # 7
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Ehhh. Gee. Not a good thing to start fighting with Future Mother-In-Law before you are married. 

Okay, so you are paying, and you and Fiance decided on a Friday evening. Yes, its cheaper, and I can totally see why you did it. If I were in your situation, I may have done the same thing…

Unfortunately, the mothers are going to have opinions regardless of who is paying. I think that’s okay. However, it sounds to me that your Future Mother-In-Law attacked you about this and was very confrontational. Had she nicely approached you and said something along the lines of, “I am just so excited for you and Fiance. Our family has been looking forward to this wedding for ages. I do have to ask though, are you definitely decided on a Friday night? I realize that both of you are paying for the wedding, and can do what you want, but it has come to my attention at FI’s Aunts and Uncles will have problems making the ceremony. Of course, you can still keep the Friday if you wish, but please take this into consideration that Person X, Y & Z won’t be there.”

If she had done this, this could have been your chance to say, “Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Fiance and I had no idea that person x Y &Z would not be able to to make it on Friday. I will talk with Fiance about this. Our main reason for choosing Friday is the difference in the cost. We had no intentions of excluding anyone, and hope that everyone can be there. If we would consider switching to Saturday, perhaps you could consider helping us paying for the difference.”

However, it sounds like she was totally confrontational. Regardless, even if she had nicely approached you, she really shouldn’t have, ESPECIALLY being FI’s mother. I could almost understand it more if she was your mom. 🙂

If I were you, I would try to calm myself down, go running, meditate or something. Honestly think about what she was trying to say to Fiance and then tell her what you both decided. Then, call or go see Future Mother-In-Law in person. Treat the situation like she had very nicely approached you and not insulted you, and say to her something like, “Hello Future Mother-In-Law. I wanted to let you know that our discussion a few days ago was not forgotten about. Fiance and I did talk about things. However, due to our financial position and wanting an evening wedding, we have no choice but to do a Friday evening wedding. I realize that it may be disappointing if Person X Y & Z cannot be there, but I feel we do not have any other option. However, it will be 20% more on Saturday night to rent the hall (or whereever you’ll be) and if we could find someone to help us pay for the difference in the cost, we would be able to do the wedding on Saturday.”

So, there. Don’t even try to fight fire with fire. Try to have a good relationship with her. The only last thing I will say, is don’t ask her to pony up the $$ if she is broke and you know she would not be able to at all. Don’t do anything snarky. Just try to be diplomatic and polite…

 

Oh, that sucks. Good luck.

Post # 9
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think the reason that you are upset is because of the way your fmil confronted you, not so much because of her reasoning.  And it showed great restraint to not say anything and start WWIII!  Way to go.  But IMO it’s your Fiance job to talk to his mom and explain to her why that was inappropriate, etc.  If she had an issue she should have sat down with both of you and had a concerned, but non-demanding, coversation about it with you both.

Post # 11
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I totally relate to your post.  I had the exact same thing happen to me over a different issue (our guestlist).  My FI’s mother called him up and told him that we had to invite his brother’s girlfriend of two months, who is basically a stranger to us, to our extremely intimate 8-person wedding in Maui.  She did not succeed in making him change our plans over the phone, so on the last night of our weekend visit to her over the holidays, she corners me and ATTACKS me.  All I was doing was sitting quietly on the couch waiting for my Fiance to be ready so we could leave!  I had to sit there and defend our position and the reasons behind our decision.  She cried and threatened me, even going so far as to say, “You know…. we haven’t bought our plane tickets yet……” and also threatened rifts between family members that she insinuated would be completely my fault. 

Even if I were so inclined to think over her opinion (and I honestly think I would have given her her way in the end), she sabatoged herself by attacking me.  LOL

P.S. Edited to add that I love how you made your Fiance prove that he didn’t change his mind because of his mother!!  I did the same thing!  (My Fiance also changed his mind, but I gave him a ton of grief over being a possible momma’s boy.)

 

Post # 12
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh, and I’m now also dreading seeing her again since she knows she caused a ton of trouble.  UGH, she’s making my wedding so awkward.  Especially since I think I’m going to cave (not to her but to my FI) about inviting “the girl”.  I don’t even know her last name, so I’m not even sure how I should address the envelope.  I’m thinking of being subtly nasty and just putting “& guest” on FI’s brother’s invite. Laughing

But we’ll all be sitting there, them (the Future Mother-In-Law, the FBIL and “the girl”) knowing that the girl is an unwelcome guest, and me looking at them and knowing that they tried to ruin my wedding.  Oh, and every single other guest there will know also.  Wonderful.

Post # 14
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Props to you for holding your ground and not encouraging the arguement. I would advise puling her aside and asking her if she would take time to speak with you and your Fiance together and explain that you do not appreciate her behavior. I think it would be best to do this as a couple, to show her a united front as a new family. Parents need to learn that you and your spouse are a new family and that they don’t get a say in what goes on anymore.

Otherwise, bonus that your venue doesn’t charge you anything more to move it to a Saturday! I think it was like a $5.00/head difference at our place.

Post # 16
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I really think that your Fiance needs to speak up on your behalf here.  This is his mother, and she was disrespectful to you, the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with.  I understand that you don’t feel comfortable confronting her–and you really shouldn’t have to.  He needs to sit down with her and make it clear that that kind of behavior is unacceptable and that if she can’t treat you with the respect you deserve, you two won’t be able to spend the kind of time with her that she would like.  I’m sorry this happened to you, but yay that you’re still getting the wedding you want!

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