(Closed) FMIL overbearing or really helpful?

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1379 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Tough one, I’m in a somewhat similar position. If I mention even the smallest details she takes them to the next highest level and goes crazy with them. First I would talk to her directly, you and her, and tell her you’re not mad about the church thing, that you were just surprised — clear the air from that one.  But moving forward, I think this is something that your fiance needs to handle — don’t use him as a middle man but more so have him tell her that you guys are really excited to plan the wedding yourselves and you can’t wait to invovle her but only in certain points.  But with that said — you really should involve her as much as you feel comfortable. I’m sure she is just as excited about this day as you are and she just really wants to be a part of it.  Give her a few jobs that you don’t really care about (for me, it’s flowers, they aren’t a big deal to me so I’m just "giving" them to my mother and I just have last approval rights!) Sorry it’s def hard to deal with Future In laws but make sure you have your fiance do most of the talking.

Post # 4
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Hey Hickchick,

I see from your profile that you’ve been engaged for over a year and haven’t set a date. yet.  You also admitted that you have been dragging your feet.  She’s just antsy to get the show on the road.  Be happy that she’s at least seems happy about the upcoming nuptials.

 I understand venting to your Fiance.  So many things in weddings and those involved can be trying.  I don’t know if he said something to her because you wanted him to.  Or if he came up with that on his own.  Personally, from what you’ve said, I don’t see what she did that was so bad.  It certainly doesn’t sound like something that really requires her getting a dressing down.  I would bite my tongue a little.  Remember who she is…your Future Mother-In-Law.  You want to try your darndest to maintain a good relationship for her.  After all all she did was make a call for you.  (Believe me, I know it’s aggravating, but you’ll be happier in the long term.)

Gather your Fi, and make a timeline for your wedding together.  (First start with the church and reception hall and date.)  Then everything will fall together.  If your Future Mother-In-Law comes back bombarding you with all kinds of questions about how you’re staying on track, get out the timeline, and tell her that, "No, Mom I’m working on dresses this week.  I’ll be calling bakeries next week…..What was that?…Well favors aren’t until next month. "

As for her frostiness.  I’m guessing she feels like she’s trying to help and gets her hand slapped for it.  (Husbands should stand up for their wives, but MIL/DIL relationships don’t need that kind of strain for what seems to be unwanted kindess.) I would actually try to bring her up to speed on the wedding plans.  Thank her for her help and efforts and try to include her in the future.  Ask for her opinions and advice. If you seek it, she’ll most likely be less proactive.

Post # 5
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Welcome HickChick!  I think your fmil is just a little excited about you marrying her son, and honestly I don’t think what she did was out of line.

"She called the priest to talk to him about my wedding.  Or to just get "general wedding" info to pass along to me.  And to let me know his hours of availability."

This seems helpful to me, and maybe you could use her to delegate out some of the work.  I think Tanya123 is on the right track. 

Good luck wedding planning — we look forward to helping answer any questions you have!

Post # 6
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

I am sure she just thought she was helping out. From what you wrote, it sounds like you were telling her you were having some difficulty, and she thought "oh, well I could help with that!" I think I’d take it as a compliment that she’s so excited to have you as a daughter in law, that she’s wanting to help you plan and make things easier for you. You’ll probably have to talk to her now… in order to voice your feelings and clear the air between you two.

Post # 7
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree with the hive… it does seem like she wants to help… but I can see how you felt as though she crossed a boundary… but maybe she didn’t know that was a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed.  My Future Mother-In-Law seems really not excited about the wedding.  It almost seems like she hates the thought of her son getting married to anyone.  She is a nice lady but is always a bit frosty…. at least your Future Mother-In-Law wants to be helpful and seems to be excited.  BUt for sure, you want to make sure your relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law is good because she is not your mom— if you fight with your mom or say what ever is on your mind with her, she will probably think you’re being a brat and be mad at you for a bit– but usually it blows over.  But with the Future Mother-In-Law, if you fight with her or say something and she takes it the wrong way, I feel like it would take her longer to get over it… if your fiance said the same thing, she would probably get over it because it’s her son— her blood.  I don’t know if this makes sense… but yea, just be careful… 🙂

Post # 8
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

My Mother-In-Law pulled this on me with a wedding shower (that I didn’t want).  If you want to stay on good terms with her, find a way to let her help – it will save her feelings.  Honestly, I wish I would have gone with my gut and ignored my Mother-In-Law, my life would have been easier.

Post # 9
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008


Post # 10
773 posts
Busy bee

I just wanted to let you know that I definitely understand where you are coming from on feeling like she has violated your boundaries.   Right after my Fiance and I decided on a date, my Future Mother-In-Law emailed literally everyone she knows and told them all the date.  It was like she was suggesting I wasn’t getting on sending the save the dates fast enough, and I was really irritated by it.  We hadn’t even finalized the guest list.  In the end, I realized I was being overly sensitive and she was just trying to make sure her family and friends were able to start shopping around for affordable plane tickets, although thinking about it now still makes me feel a bit annoyed.

Post # 11
15 posts
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am definitely part of this hive! Oh, and sometimes it stings! My wedding is over a year and a half away and my Future Mother-In-Law is already prying for information and offering to help in areas not needed. I just started planning over the weekend – give me some room! If she’s like this now, I can imagine how things will be in the months leading up to June 12th!!!! Remember to breathe!  

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