FMIL Overstepping Boundaries?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with the others – stop the info train. Your Future Mother-In-Law sounds completely nuts to me. Use this as practice for the rest of your life with her because she is going to flip her lid if it ever comes to a point where you have to tell her she is not allowed in a delivery room.

 

Post # 17
Member
2505 posts
Sugar bee

Oh, dear.  Your Mother-In-Law sounds like a peach.

Sounds to me like she’s an excellent manipulator. I’d say, stop playing her game.  Start setting boundaries now, or you’re going to be in for one heck of a ride for the rest of your life.

Post # 18
Member
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Do not send the picture. Stop telling her anything. Ask you Maid/Matron of Honor to ignore the friend request. Call each of your vendors and set a password so only you and FH have the power to change anything. Ask FH to inform her that you and he will host and pay for the rehearsal dinner (you really don’t want to be on the receiving end of anything from these two). Set clear and distant boundaries right now or you’ll be in a constant battle until they die. Ignore what she says about you, which is going to be nasty no matter what you do or don’t do, ever. So sorry you have to deal with this, but it’s best to know early on what you’re up against: a controlling, invasive, back-stabbing, insatiable woman and her ennabler–ugh.

Post # 19
Member
641 posts
Busy bee

lynn118 :  This won’t be a popular response, but it’s to provide perspective.  Your Future Mother-In-Law is overstepping and a little crazy, but I think the root cause is that she hasn’t gotten the experience of being involved in wedding planning as many brides do involve their own families more than the groom’s family and she’s feeling very hurt because she won’t ever get that experience. Making it a contest of whose parents get the most input based on their ability to contribute is a hard thing to justify when different families have very different means.  Besides yelling at you over the dress, it seems more like she’s just overly excited and not a hateful person.  I don’t agree with her behavior, but there is a difference between an overly excited and emotionally vulnerable Future Mother-In-Law and one that is a hateful nasty person in general.  I think there is likely a middle ground to be found here as it seems like she’s genuinely excited for you to marry her son. 

Post # 20
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee

TBH I read this as you dangle the wedding in front of her, then snatch it away. Stop telling this lady every detail of every aspect of this wedding. Quit with the “my parents are more entitled than your parents” bs, that’s outdated and mean. Her kid is getting married too, she didn’t CHOOSE to have two sons. You either want a close relationship with this woman or you don’t, but right now you seem to be skating between both, giving her bits of info then not actually involving her. I know this is totally against the popular opinion here, but I actually feel for your Future Mother-In-Law and I think you’re acting like a brat. 

Post # 21
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I see a few things going on here:

1.  She does not have a daughter and sees this as her last chance to be involved in the wedding experience.

2.  Since she is paying for a significant portion of your wedding, she has the right to have a significant say – or you will make them feel like a checkbook.   Maybe that is what she meant by your SIL’s wedding.

3.  She should not have yelled at you.  End of story – but who of us has not had a snap reaction we did not regret.  I pray that is all this is.

It may sound like I am taking her side – I am not.  I feel badly that she is steeling your joy.  I agree with you about having that special time alone with your Mother in picking out your dress.  That is something you will cherish forever (wish my Mom was still alive to help me).  I agree with the others.  I would not send her any info on your dress.  Just tell her you are so excited for it to be a surprise for everyone.

Keep us posted – hope things get better for you. 

Post # 22
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

garnobella :  I so agree with your comments and those of other posters looking at ot from the MILs perspective.

I am a mother to 2 sons no where near marriage age yet.

We live in a world where equality is legislated. Women want and deserve to be treated as equals yet when it comes to weddings, some people are aghast that the in-laws want to have some involvement.

I honestly cannot see the harm in them getting a feel of your choices by inspecting them themselves. In what way has that been of harm to you? Parents of daughters AND sons want to be involved in their lives. It doesn’t sit right that the groom-to-be parents are faitly much just expected to turn up on the wedding day and smile. Why should they not be privy to what is going on?

Expecting to be invited dress shopping is OTT but it would have been a lovely gesture if the bride-to-be could see the BIG picture. She’s going to be a part of her FI’s family and that can start before the wedding by including them, which I note she has to a degree.

I do believe if they are contributing very llittle, they do not get a whole lot of say but their opinions do matter as long as they re not demanding.

Post # 23
Member
392 posts
Helper bee

I don’t really have anything to contribute to the topic at hand, but just wanted to note that I sat here for a while trying to figure out why at the F in fmil stood for (I’ve since realized that it probably means future) and briefly wondered if it meant ‘fucking mother in law’ 😂😂

That’s all. Carry on. 

Post # 24
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Stop telling her anything. Seriously, this working for me and my Mother-In-Law. I literally stopped the info train 100% and she stopped asking because I wasn’t giving her the answers she wanted.

On your dress: do not give her a picture, instruct anyone that may have a picture, not to give it to her. I can 100% see that picture ending up on facebook. Be pre-emptive witht this.

Post # 25
Member
4820 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

lynn118 :  Shut down the information train hard and fast.  Be sure to tell everyone in your bridal party/family NOT to relay any information to her.  Now you know why the SIL cut her out of the planning.  

Post # 26
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

besides not telling her anything, i’d also suggest saving up in case you end up needing to pay for it all by yourself. 

Post # 27
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I would shut down. This behavior gets punished, not rewarded. She yelled at you for buying your dress? That’s awful! Do not show her a picture. Tell her it’s going to be a surprise and don’t budge. Stop the information train! I disagree with those on her side. She doesn’t have a ‘right’ to be involved. She can have the rehearsal dinner of course, but not the wedding. Informing her of decisions should be quite enough, she doesn’t get to help make them. It’s nothing to do with whether she has sons or daughters. You can’t really stop her from driving to places to check them out though. I haven’t involved my own mother or my Mother-In-Law at all really (although they both live far away).

Post # 28
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Yikes.. she sounds peachy. 

Doesn’t she know that you hold the key to grandkids? I would think she’d be nicer about everything.. 

Post # 29
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I’m curious to know how close your Future Mother-In-Law was to you and your Fiance before this all happened. What was your relationship like? Has she exhibited obsessive behavior like this in other instances?

Like pps, I bet her longing to be a part of the planning process has to do with the fact that she raised two sons. Not that it gives her any excuse to insert herself into every detail of your wedding plans, but it’s important to keep things in perspective. 

I think it would help a lot to talk to your SIL about how she handled this, or if it was even as big of an issue as it is now. She will likely have some good advice on how to deal with the family.

This might be a seriously unpopular idea but… would it be an option to take your Future Mother-In-Law along on future wedding tasks just for the sake of making her feel involved, but ultimately making the decision on your own? I agree that whatever you decide to do in the future, you need to make it clear to your vendors that all of the decisions need to come from you and Fiance directly, and any discussion with outside parties (including FMIL) is considered a breach of contract.

It’s great that your Fiance is on your side. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this craziness! 🙁

Post # 30
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

My Mother-In-Law made our bridesmaid dresses and a few other bits and pieces, she wasn’t involved in any decisions and she didn’t care about any of the other wedding details.

Your Future Mother-In-Law needs to get herself a fucking hobby (that doesn’t involve your wedding). Just wow.

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