FMIL Overstepping Boundaries?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I’m sorry, but you are way out of line here…

It is not okay to think that your mother should be more involved in the wedding than his mother. That is just rude. She also has a child who is HALF OF THE WEDDING, and therefore she should have equal involvement.

And did you really think that she should not have any place coming wedding dress shopping with you and your mom? again, that was actually really rude of you. If she doesn’t have daughters, you WILL be her daughter, and she has every right to assume she has a place wedding dress shopping with you. I was my MIL’s only chance to go wedding dress shopping, and she was the happiest woman in the world to come look at dresses with us. 

It honestly sounds like this woman is just desperate to get closer to you and to the wedding, and all you’re doing is pushing her away. 

Did she overstep her boundaries? Yes she did.

Did you kind of force her to overstep those boundaries? Yes you did.

This woman will be your mother soon, and I don’t feel like you’re treating her very well right now.

And who cares if she isn’t paying for your wedding?!? If all she can afford is a rehersal dinner then that is absolutely none of your business, shes not an ATM. It sounds like youre allowing your parents in more because of money, and that is ridiculously selfish thinking.

Be a grown up now and call her, or your relationship will be ruined before it has even begun…

Post # 32
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

This woman will never be OPs mother. OP has a mother. This woman–who’s is behaving like an hystrical bully–will be OPs mother-in-law and, if she doesn’t start treating OP with respect, I predict she will be OP’s cut off mother-in-law. 

Post # 33
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee

MrsMiller23 :  I also feel bad that daughter-in-law-to-be has a hissy fit, then her son turns around and tells her off. I think of that saying “a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life” and it makes me sad. 

Post # 34
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

This sounds a lot like both of my ILs. We had an all inclusive venue that did our flowers, decor, food and dj, all we had to do was show them a picture of what we wanted and they did it. My IL’s yelled at us saying they should be more involved becuase they planned many events and know what they’re doing and we don’t. There wasn’t anything for us to do even besides show our venue a picture of what we wanted. 

We showed my IL’s what we had decided on and they kept asking every week what we were doing and acting like we never told them anything. My Mother-In-Law told us she would do our seating chart because she knew who should be sitting together and got mad at us when we did it. They also got mad at us for getting something for a guestbook because they were going to have something made but never told us. 

When we went to pick out the design for our invitations we got yelled at because they should have been involved (even though we had them pick from 3 options for our wording) and they yelled at us for getting RSVP cards because we have to put a stamp on them and that costs money so we should have hand delivered the majority of the invitations and had people call us to reply. 

They also controlled the guest list (they had more friends invited than my parents who paid for the majority of the wedding and when we said we needed to cut the guest list a bit she said our friends should be cut before hers because her friends owe her for going to all their kids wedding and they will give us more money than our friends will). We also didn’t invite people that she told us we didn’t need to and then got yelled at for not including them. 

My IL’s basically tried to control the whole wedding because they wanted to be involved but they didn’t understand that we picked the venue that we did because they do everything so there wasn’t a whole lot to be involved in, we really didn’t do a whole lot ourselves. 

My relationship is still rocky with them because I gave in to a lot of what they wanted to keep the peace but it caused me resentment. I even got yelled at about how we were controlling the whole wedding and how dare we expect people (mainly his brother) to abide by our RSVP deadline.

I told my IL’s they had their wedding and this is ours, we would talk to them about what we wanted or what we decided but they had to respect that and not take over. I told them how they were acting made me not want to tell them anything because we would get yelled at for everything. I know she said like she felt like she was losing her son and that’s why she wanted to be so involved but her control pushed us both away even more.

 

 

 

Post # 35
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

cassandra7 :  +1

OP shouldn’t have to give up all the special moments with her own mom to hold FMIL’s hand the whole time. Nor should her wedding be constantly scrutinized by FMIL just because she only had sons. OP gets one wedding (hopefully), Mother-In-Law already had hers. 

Post # 36
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2017

okay to all the people saying that MOG should have equal involvement in the bride’s planning as MOB are nuts. Especially if the bride’s parents are contributing the most. I would never take my Future Mother-In-Law dress shopping.
OP: the best advice I have for you is stop sharing the details with her. And I would decline any money they offer you for the rehearsal dinner or whatever else. They are using the fact that they are paying to irritate you.

Post # 37
Member
2482 posts
Buzzing bee

LOL @ all the crazy bee’s with only sons who are taking up for the Future Mother-In-Law. You only having sons does NOT entitle you to be treated like the MOTB by the bride. 

My SO only has brothers, and I’ve already decided that his mother can have whatever sort of wedding she wants (within broad limits, of course) – I’m going to involve her in everything, etc.

But this is easy for me to decide b/c 1) I don’t have a mother, 2) She’s likely going to be paying for a large portion of the wedding, 3) I give zero eff’s about a wedding, and 4) SO’s mother is an exceptional woman who raised 3 sensitive/amazing boys by herself and I want to foster our relationship because of that.

THIS FMIL is acting incredibly entitled. If I were being put in the situation she’s being put into by her Future Mother-In-Law I’d be questioning the future of our relationship. I mean, YELLING at the bride to be for buying her dress?? How are you in any universe arguing that she’s entitled to think and behave this way?? It’s incredibly inappropriate and rude, regardless of the genders of your children. 

Post # 38
Member
3436 posts
Sugar bee

duchessgummybunns :  lol, I totally agree with you. By the way, I found out I was having a boy yesterday after reading this thread and have already told myself I am not allowed to act crazy if he ever gets married.

Post # 39
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

No one is entitled to anything in a wedding, except the bride and groom.

Contributing parents? It’s a gift…gifts don’t come with strings.

Parents all had their own wedding…and if they didn’t, it doesn’t entitle them to yours. Regardless of it they had sons or daughters. It’s really just basic respect and common decency that this fmil lacks.

Sorry for you OP!

Post # 40
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

rubyhagen…. with that attitude every bride and groom should never accept any help, cause you can be damn sure that any parent is going to CARE and may want to approve of the way THEIR money is being spent.  

As the MOG twice AND the only parent who contributed( at the tune of about 90%), I was included in almost everything.  However, I never once used that as a “string”.  I always took the avenue, if a decision was being considered I didn’t agree with, there was one and only one conversation about it, in an effort to understand the reasoning and then to offer any alternatives or viewpoint, then the decision was made by the couple and that was that.  

This fmil is out of line about dress shopping.  The only dress shopping she has a right to expect to participate in with you is for her dress if she chooses to include you.  Not likely at this point. No, I would not send her a picture of your dress but don’t expect to see or hear anything about hers either.    

But other than that…………I don’t understand how you could possibly consider it going behind your back to visit the choices you had already made, especially when she was complimenting you on it.  I didn’t read one thing in your post suggesting they were trying to make you change anything.  And as far as choosing their room………..you can bet your bippy I would have done the same thing.  Early bird gets the worm.  

As far as the facebook request to your Maid/Matron of Honor…………could be nothing more than offering to help with a shower……….  DON”T jump to conclusions.  

As far as all the stuff you’ve “given” her to do…………..sounds like you are treating her like a glitter covered slave to me.  All of that stuff is so inconsequential in the overall scheme, she probably feels “used”.

I thank heavens that I came out of the weddings with my relationship with my dils in tact.  But it took both of us making that a priority.  

Post # 41
Member
637 posts
Busy bee

lynn118 :  I feel like I include my Future Mother-In-Law in everything. She went dress shopping with me and my mom. I send her the edits of the invitations and included ALL of her suggestions, I asked her to help pick the escort cards (between three things), literally let her choose the ink color for the invitations (because I didnt care). Brought her and Future Father-In-Law to tour venues once we narrowed it down to three. Brought them back with us when we actually booked the venue and got their opinion on layout, and bar and food packages. She picked the rehearsal dinner and every detail (her and Future Father-In-Law are hosting that, but they didnt even ask me for a guest list, just invited who they thought she be invited so my nephews were left out, even though they are in the wedding and I needed them to rehearse). I showed her the florists I narrowed it down to and asked for her opinion. I showed her the linens after I picked them. I asked her opinion on bridesmaid dresses before we went shopping, and included her in shopping with my friends for the dress (2 different trips, my mom didnt even come to both). Fiance and I did the food and cake tastings on our own, but both times we brought home a sample platter for Future In-Laws to taste and give us their opinion (which cost $$$) and had a little home tasting with them. 

THENNNNNNN I asked her if she wanted her hair and makeup done for the wedding (I am paying and needed to give the artist the headcount) and she says “Oh, I didnt realize I was still included in wedding activities because I have been so left out throughout this entire process”. WHAT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. UGH. 

So basically, with some MILs, no matter how much they are included, they still find a way to complain. I just try to ignore her comments and focus on the things that make me happy. 

Post # 42
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

jw2b :  or..maybe there are parents who aren’t pushy and their kids actually want their opinions? This fmil is going about everything the wrong way. Each couple is going to have their own idea for their own wedding. If you’re the type of parent who expects to be given control just because you’ve given a gift of money, then it’s terribly unfair on the child possibly the type of attitude the child will find unbearable and overwhelming.

My folks are really generous…but also incredibly respectful and level-headed. As such, they would have Mole involvement in the wedding, asked for opinions on many things, and incredibly appreciated.

Post # 43
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

lynn118 :  im not saying i agree with her overall behavior but she was probably hurt that you didnt include her in dress shopping. You mention you didn’t feel it was appropriate. Why not? Are you not close to her? Have you had problens with her overstepping boundaries in the past?

Post # 44
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I dont get why everyone is saying to solely let fi deal with bher because she is his mother. It sounds like you have a relationship with her as well and imo issues with someone should always be directed by that person. Never the outside person. If i have an issue with someone i always feel it is up to me to address it with them that way i know for sure what i want to say is getting communicated in exactly the way i want it said. I mean she is about to be your family better to learn now how to communicate with her

Post # 45
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

garnobella :  damn that’s harsh. Lets not forget the mil actually YELLED at her and yes its ashame she won’t ever have a daughter to share this experience with but that doesn’t mean that’s the OP problem or responsibility to inude her. Maybe if the fmil was more civil towards her she would be willing to have a relationship with her. So let’s not with the name calling. Are we 5 again?

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