(Closed) FMIL problem- Please calm me down.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

So they are going to have a party for your wedding knowing you won’t be there??? Ridiculous… let him handle it (it is his mom).. but make sure he knows how upsetting it is to you and your family. And stick to YOUR plans.. spend that time at your mom’s … don’t give in to her or you’re setting a precident you will regret with Future Mother-In-Law.

Post # 4
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I have no useful suggestions as to what he should say… I can’t wrap my brain around that kind of behaviour from your Future Mother-In-Law… but I’d definitely have your Fiance handle the conversation… he’ll be able to better avoid any hurt feelings or miscommunications.

Would they have come to a formal reception if there was alcohol?

Post # 5
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would be so mad at the in-laws! Why do they think it’s ok to host their own party at the same time as your parents party? Are they expecting you to bounce between both parties, or do they not care if you are at their party? I would have your Fiance talk to his parents, since they seem to be unreasonable. I would have him ask them how they think that is going to work logistically, and then remind them that the party is supposed to bring the two families together. I think sometimes parents forget that the wedding is not about them, but about the children and what makes them happy.

Post # 6
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

“they’re uncomfortable around alcohol and don’t want to attend a reception if there isn’t dancing or a dinner provided. ”  How does she think people get comfortable enough to dance?  O_o

Is it because her family isn’t invited to the ‘small intimate’ event?  Are they invited to the ceremony?

Post # 7
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@LindsayMaree:  I don’t quite understand… something seems… amiss.  Do they have any sort of problem with your family?  Or anyone in particular?  Is there a disparity with money?  Do they feel that they haven’t contributed at all and this is their way of doing so?  Is there distance involved with his family having to travel to your family’s house?

Something just seems wrong.  I’ve never heard of throwing a party for someone when the guests of honor won’t be there.  It just seems like there was a miscommunication or something.  Maybe something is going on with THEIR family and they don’t want to bring them around yours?

I understand this is FI’s family, but I’d go with.  I’d sit down calmly and explain to them you’re confused and feel hurt and you want to understand why they’re doing what they’re doing.  Maybe you’ll uncover some reason that makes sense or there was, in fact, a miscommunication.

I wish you luck, but I think having him “deal” with it is a mistake.  You guys are marrying each other and this won’t be the last difficult discussion you have to have with them.

Post # 8
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My first Mother-In-Law (way back in 1989) did exactly the same thing. She wasn’t happy because we had a daytime reception, but not a night time one.  My parents – especially my father – were very traditional and didn’t believe in having 2 receptions.  None of the guests from either family were from out of town.

So my Mother-In-Law threw a party for ‘her’ side of the family that night. Not a single guest from ‘my’ side was invited.  I was so angry…and my husband and I didn’t attend.  Which is what I’d advise you to do. 

Post # 9
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@csteen85:  Ya, I don’t buy the alcohol thing either.  Does she not eat out at restaurants when there is alcohol?  The only thing I could think of is that the Mother-In-Law feels that the new daughter is being rude by not inviting everyone in the family to the event after the ceremony.  Instead of being upfront, she’s hosting her own party.  *eyeroll*  To be frank, if she was actually earnest, she would host a party the following day so that the guests of honor could be here.  Otherwise, Mother-In-Law just comes off as spoiled brat.

Post # 10
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I agree that it seems odd to have wedding party when the bride & groom won’t be there. Future In-Laws are hosting their family 2 nights before the wedding, since we’re not inviting all of the Out of Town guests to the night-before dinner, but Fiance & I will be there.

This is incredibly rude, and I would also be very hurt. If they’d like to hold another reception, how about something the day before or after?

” his mother wants to segregate his family from mine by throwing her own party”– that speaks volumes, but I’m guessing Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t see it that way. Maybe if Fiance or you tell her that it feels like she’s dividing the families, instead of combining, she’ll see it differently.

Really hope this works out for you!

Post # 13
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee

Is she lashing back because you guys aren’t having a big reception with the dinner, dancing and drinks?  Did you hear or did she ever express that she felt you guys should be doing something a bit more.. “formal”?  That’s the only explanation I would have for her behaviour.  I mean, my Mother-In-Law held a bridal shower for me with just DH’s side of the family and my Mum and Maid/Matron of Honor came, but that’s COMPLETELY different.

As PP’s have mentioned, tell your Fiance how you feel about it and get him to sort it out with her.  I think this whole thing is VERY selfish…

ETA: I wrote that thinking she was having it the same night.  But still, why would she have ANOTHER party??

Post # 14
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@LindsayMaree:  At least it isn’t on the same night.  Honestly, I didn’t mind that my Mother-In-Law wanted to throw a party, it was the fact she didn’t invite any of my family/guests! 

I look back now and laugh, because it must have been a bit weird…a party to celebrate a wedding – but without the bride and groom!  

Post # 15
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I find it hard to believe that she can’t come to a party where there will be light drinking and just hang with the non-drinking crowd (her family, I assume, doesn’t drink).  I find it even harder to believe that she is so incredibly selfish that she won’t allow the other invited guests the opportunity to get to know your fiance because she has decided that they should not be present at your reception (sorry hun, a rose by any other name and stuff).

Has she done this kind of stuff before, outside of the shower?  I mean, does she have a history of narcissism and making things about her/creating drama where it doesn’t belong?Is she newly sober? Uber religious?  What’s the deal? I still can’t grasp why someone would do this unless.

Like another poster mentioned, maybe it really is about the lack of formality…but she even said she’s hosting a BBQ, it’s not a huge catered event at her house, right?

Post # 16
Member
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

We..ell…Any chance that Future Mother-In-Law or Future Sister-In-Law (or someone else in the family–like, FSIL’s husband or something?) is a recovering alcoholic? I know a few and the dancing/dinner thing may be because those things take the focus off the drinking. If there’s just snacks and drinks, it’s harder to control the addiction for some people. Bear in mind that a) you don’t know that it’s necessarily FMIL/FSIL themselves that have this issue–it could be someone else in the family they are thinking of (and sometimes the person in question has requested that others who know about their alcoholism to keep it a secret) and b) even though you’ve known them for 6 years, these types of things can be very well hidden. 

I don’t think that it’s necessarily wrong of her to decide not to attend your family’s gathering, although it is disappointing. I DO think it’s very rude to plan your own shindig and not invite the other side. THAT is worth Fiance talking to her about and telling her that no, really, she has to invite the new inlaws (figure out how many people that is beforehand, though–8 inlaws is a different request from 30!) I’d have Fiance do the talking and stay out of it myself. 

And, although I am not condoning your FMIL’s behavior and believe me, I am sympathetic to your disappointment and frustration, I encourage you to please, please do not let your anger get the better of you and do not “run your mouth” when you see your future inlaws. For one, it’s not going to accomplish anything but alienate the two sides, which will be stressful for your Fiance and it also won’t be doing much to help bridge the two families, especially if you get angry and are seen as the “ambassador” of your side. And two, in the end, these are your inlaws–people you will have to see and deal with again and again for a very, very long time. You may decide that you want to distance yourself down the line if they’re crap people, but that’s not how I’d want to start off. The more courteous and generous YOU are the more likely they are to be receptive to your family in turn. Not fair, but true. 

And besides, at the end of the day, remind yourself that they can resist the merge all they want, but it’s a reality they’ll have to come to terms with nonetheless. Patience. 

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