Post # 1
My mother in law is making me crazy! My fiance and I are still both living at home and are looking into our options as far as where to live. In our area, renting is twice the amount of owning a condo or a small house. My finace was approved for a mortgage, and we felt the best decision for us was to move forward with purchasing a house. I am still in school so I will not be able to contribute alot, but my fiance and I believe that a marriage is about helping each other out when neccessary- no matter what. But, my Future Mother-In-Law is completely and totally against this decision. She says we will be putting a financial burden on our marriage and why would we want to do that? But, my fiance and I feel that renting would be more of a burden because it is more money per month and we will have nothing to show for it.
She is contributing to the wedding financially, but says she refuses to contribute if we do indeed go ahead with purchasing a house. We plan to purchase a foreclosure, which would make our mortgage payment 1/3 the price of a rental! My fiance is so excited about having the wedding and having all of his family there, but is it worth us putting ourselves in a financial situation we do not feel comfortable with? The only way she will contribute to the wedding is if we get a rental.
My Future Mother-In-Law also said that ALL of the money my fiance makes at his job is HER money because he still lives at home. She says every dime he has ever made is hers.
What am I supposed to do? She has threatened with the wedding, and has also said that she “will make sure” this marriage never happens if we choose to go forward with a house.
Post # 3
You can’t let her make decisions for you. The two of you are old enough to be getting married, you’re old enough to stand up to her and do what you want and what you believe is best. Your fiance needs to speak with her and tell her that she is not allowed to dictate the decisions the two of you make. If buying is best for you financially, then you should buy. If she chooses to not contribute to your wedding, then so be it. You will readjust the budget, move the wedding back a bit so you can save money, or invite fewer people. You can make it work. Honestly, if she thinks all of his money is hers because he lives with her, she sounds unstable and he should get out of her house ASAP.
Post # 4
@SoonToBeCollins29: That is bs! I agree, you can not let her dictate your decisions. Does she expect you guys to live at home after you get married? She is crazy! Get the house.
Post # 5
Ugh. This is so ridiculous- I don’t understand why she is doing this to us. I feel so bad for my fiance. I feel like we should just get a 6-month lease on an apartment within the next few weeks just so he is out of there! This has been going on for weeks, and it is beginning to ruin our relationship. He is torn becasue he wants his mother to contribute, and to be apart of the wedding. She is putting us in an impossible spot!! We need Dr. Phil!
Post # 6
Is this the first cross in the road with her? It almost sounds like pent up anger on her part and a lot more to it. Her concern with a foreclosure is probably several things. I know this because I have real estate experience. When you purchase a foreclosure you MAY be walking into a money pit of problems. There are several things that can happen. I think foreclosures are a great investment, but should be approached with caution and experience.
With all that said, I do feel that she should butt out and not threaten so much.
Really not fair to you guys.
Post # 7
There is definitely something else going on here…I feel terrible for you!
Do you guys pay some form of rent living with her now? Even if you are not, that in no was justifies her “his money is my money” comment. It actually made my stomach turn a little…does she have a husband? The only reason I ask is, that one of my ex’s was almost “forced” into a husband type role by his mother (minus sex of course ~ew~) but she would always borrow money from him, make him do household repairs and all husband type duties. He lived at home, and paid rent, but she could just not “let him go”. It was weird. This of course may not be your situation, but it was something that came to mind.
Does she not understand that buying is cheaper, and in the long run a much better option for you? Why would someone want to make life difficult for another person, especially their child!
You need to get out of her house ASAP, even if it puts you into debt. You cannot attempt to begin married life with her having paid for your wedding, and forcing you into a rental unit, over your head. Get out before she gets her hooks in any deeper.
Sorry you’re going through this 🙁
Post # 8
I agree with the other PPs who said something more is going on here — and that is she doesn’t want to let her boy go! So if it wasn’t this she was trying to control, it’d be something else — will be something else, unless he (and perhaps you two together) sit down with her and, straight up, tell her how this is going to work going forward. On this specific matter, why not actually ‘crunch’ the numbers with her and show her how a rental will cost you more than a purchase? Seems to me a purchase is more permanent than she can stand to imagine right now, no less a marriage for her son!
If that fails, I totally agree with the suggestion here that you say ‘no thank you’ to her offer to pay a chunk for the wedding and scale it back so you can pay for it yourselves (she may even come around when she sees you’re serious, but don’t necessarily count on it). Also, he has to move out, and if the wedding is a ways off (sorry I didn’t catch this), then I do like the idea of a quickie sublet or something ’til you get your ducks in order, you two.
Post # 9
Alright, I am coming from experience here as I am planning my second marraige. Take this for what it is worth.
If you AND your fiance do not make a stand againist her now, you will never have a good relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law. She will feel that she can bully you are your fiancee with other things. Trust me, I know.
So, if you are serious about marrying this man and not letting his family come in-between you two later on in the marriage, because this sounds like what will happen, you BOTH have to make a stand againist her.
Since it is his mom, let him do the talking but you need to stand by his side and let him know that you have his back.
Trust me, this was a huge issue in my first marriage. Hope everything works out for you.
Post # 10
She has always been a problem. Throughout all four years of our relationship. She is married, and I call my Future Father-In-Law her “choke collar.’ She is like an out of control dog, and my Future Father-In-Law is like her choke collar! My fiance talked to him last night and he said HE is fully supportive of whatever we want to do and will be there for us whenever we need him. Thank god for him!
She is THE most difficult person to reason with. My parents even had a rough time talking with her when we trying to pick a date for the wedding! Which of course she had a problem with! My understanding was that once you get engaged the couple was allowed to pick the date, pick where they wanted to live and so on and so forth! Ugh! That’s all I want! Thank GOD my Future Father-In-Law is understanding of that!
Thanks for all the advice ladies, it’s good to know everyone else thinks this is crazy too!
Post # 11
@michkarose: He does pay rent. He is an extremely hardworker and I feel she takes advantage of that. Irritating!!
Post # 12
If he pays rent, then in no way shape or form is “his money hers” wawaweee! Thank goodness your Future Father-In-Law is sane 😉
Honestly tho, you really need to find a way to get her in check in NOW, or else she will continue this behaviour. It’s like if a dog pees on your couch, you wouldn’t complain about it to other people, you would correct the dogs behaviour. Ok, well you probably complain “oh my god my dog peed all over my brand new couch”…but how does it know its behaviour is wrong, unless you tell it?