(Closed) FMIL problems already…………(venting but need some advice :/)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I can’t say a lot because some of your post is a little difficult for me to sort out but one thing is you are right about the account. Once you are married it is YOUR (you and FH’s) money and she should have no hand in that. You really need to discuss this with your FH or you will have problems. Financial issues are the cause of most marital problems. 

Post # 4
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I only got 1/2 way through your post and found myself needing to jump down here and reply.  I will edit once I finish reading. (It was hard to read since it was one big paragraph.)

I was in a serious relationship with a man who had a mother like this.   We broke up (he left me and went back to her house when our son was just an infant.)   He could not get the nerve to take his independence back and she ended up interfering with all aspects of our lives.   It was miserable.   I kept thinking it would get better but it got worse because he never spoke up and never showed her that he was an adult and I was his partner.

If your Fiance cannot speak to her and have her back off now, it will not get better, in fact it could be pure hell when/if you have kids.

I would get ahold of this now or I would seriously reconsider marrying him.   It is truly not worth it, your wishes and your happiness need to come ahead of hers if he is serious about having you as his life partner.  I know I thought I could do it, but as I got older and started setting goals for us, I could not function with a third person in our relationship.

So many red flags.  ๐Ÿ™  You have every right and then some to be concerned.   Try to think of how to approach your Fiance about this and come across as a united front.   Have him talk to and deal with his mother, she will be more willing to listen to him.  

One more edit-  Just remember that you won’t be able to change her personality, you will always be stuck with that.  But you can draw some boundaries and be firm but polite.   You just need your Fiance on board 110% on this.

Post # 5
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

You need to sort this money business. I mean, REALLY sort it. I would not marry a man who was not in control of his own finances. Once you are married, you will be jointly responsible for any debts in his name… if his mother is racking up debts then YOU will have to pay them.

Seriously, that is a situation which will set you right up for a divorce, right there. No marriage without complete financial independence!

Post # 6
Member
4337 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My thoughts:

1) I agree with the PPs about the financial situation, which seems like the biggest issue to me.  There is no reason a 22-year-old should have his mother controlling his money.  If he cannot get her to hand over control voluntarily, then tell him to go to the bank, create a new account, and transfer his money there – and make sure only his name (or his and your names) are on it.  Then anything she has – checkbook, debit card, etc. will be worthless.  (If you can get her to hand over control voluntarily, that would be better for his relationship with his mother, though – less deceitful.)

2) You may have to compromise on some things – even if FI’s sister and brother are pains, they are still his siblings.  They may have to be the exception to the no-kids rule. Can you imagine being 7 or 12 and not being allowed to go to your brother’s wedding?

3) Try getting to know his extended family – have Fiance give you a quick tutorial or something. You don’t have to like them or agree them, but they might be easier to tolerate if you can laugh with Fiance later about “Uncle Joe’s crazy ideas” or whatever.

Feel free to vent here! Better to let it all out here than in conversation with his family!Smile

 

 

Post # 9
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Good luck!   You really do deserve to be treated like a partner and someone he puts above everyone else, even his mommy dearest.   Keep us updated.

Post # 10
Member
4337 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Randi156:  Haha – that was just a reminder that the bees will be glad to sympathize! I think we all have crazy family/in-law moments, and we’ll go crazy if we can’t let it out!

The topic ‘FMIL problems already…………(venting but need some advice :/)’ is closed to new replies.

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