FMIL Racist comments

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yeesh. I think if I had to listen to that constantly, I’d be less irritated by the racist remarks and more irritated by the fact that she has an opinion on like…everything. 

Post # 3
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

anonymousbridetobe:  She sounds like a character out of a Tyler Perry movie. 

Post # 4
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012


Asteria777:  I’m totally watching a Tyler Perry movie. LOL

Post # 5
1260 posts
Bumble bee

anonymousbridetobe:  your FI needs to have a serious talk with her letting her know that her constant undermining if your decisions and unsolicated feedback are not acceptable and making you guys question her access to the future grand kids. If she can’t keep her mouth shut and show you some respect, then she’s telling you that her constant badgwring is more important than the happiness of her family and you’ll act accordingly. Then actually do that.

I believe the real issue is that MIL doesn’t like you and the change you represent. It contadicts her and her ideas, and I think she is fearful of them, may seem them as you trying to be better than her. 

Post # 6
5206 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

anonymousbridetobe:  She sounds like a female George Jefferson. Honky!

Post # 7
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

She is a racist. I can’t imagine how frustrating her comments must be. As a white female her words/comments are disgusting.

Post # 8
631 posts
Busy bee

I’m not sure how old your mother in law is, but my grandparents are also racist. I tell myself that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but maybe you’ll have better luck. I love my grandparents and recognize the different generation (and country) they grew up in. 

Does it make it okay? No. But can I change them? No. My kids will definitely see their great grandparents (if they are still alive) because the world is full of a diversity of perspectives that I can’t hide from them. All I can do is equip them to make the best decisions that they can. 

There are plenty of things I don’t want my kids to learn but there are plenty of people who still live in ways that I don’t. I wouldn’t want to isolate my partner from his family though nor would I allow myself to be isolated from mine. 

Post # 10
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery


anonymousbridetobe:  Yikes! I agree with one of the PP in thinking that maybe that is just her age talking. It does not make it right in any way, however, when my old dad starts making stupid comments like that, I just roll my eyes at him and ignore it then change the subject.  I think a lot of the inappropriate wedding/baby comments could be stopped if you just stop telling her details.  She won’t have anything to complain about if she doesn’t know about it!

Post # 11
2687 posts
Sugar bee

I totally agree that your FMIL’s comments are inappropriate, but please don’t use your future kids as a bargaining chip with this.  If you want to limit your interaction with her, that’s great.  Do it now and set your boundaries now.  Bringing kids into the middle of this situation is not healthy for any parties involved.

Sit down with your FI and decide where to set your boundaries.  Then, try to have a conversation with his mom.  Tell her that you both are uncomfortable when she shares her views and that you would rather her not vocalize them around you.  If she doesn’t listen, you and your FI can decide if you want to limit your interactions with her and how to do so.

Post # 12
1995 posts
Buzzing bee

My mom got my grandma to quit smoking by telling her that we (her grandkids) would not be able to come over if she smiled in the house. It started with her just smoking outside and then she quit. So I definitely think that approach is helpful. Maybe not in every case, but it’s worth a try.

Post # 13
1988 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you may be sharing too much info with DMIL2B. YOUR breast milk and YOUR epidural are nobodies’ business but your’s and DH’s. If she’s asking too many questions about your wedding, tell her that you want to surprise her.

There are situations that are better risen above, floated over, and ignored. I think she is one of them.

In preparing our very young children for dealing with a very biased (but reall very dear) relative, we explained to them that we had some very strong feelings that were totally different from Uncle Jake’s, and that we expected absolutely NONE of Uncle Jake’s mean feelings to be used in our house, but also taught the children that anything they heard Uncle Jake say could ALWAYS be discussed at home. 

In our house, this worked perfectly. The children made friendship decisions based on values, not biases. I’m sure you’ll be able to raise your children the same way, at the same time teaching them that “Uncle Jake” was raised in a different way and that we should feel sorry for his inability to have all kinds of friends, not just friends that came from the same place as he, or are the same color, etc.etc.etc.

Hope your wedding AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH FMIL EXCEEDS your happiest dreams!

By the by, it probably WILL NOT make you feel any better to tell her off, and it may give her added ammo that won’t be any benefit to you anyway. RISE ABOVE!

Post # 14
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

That is all very unfortunate and it would annoy me if I had to hear it all the time as well.  Your FMIL is likely more prejudice than she is racist.  Depending on how old she is and where she was originally born and her life experiences with other races, that might explain her feelings, having said that, it is not ok for her to put her prejudices off on others. 

Perhaps your future hubby can speak with her and set boudries, if he is not ready to do that then you will have to set some personal ones with her.  My father always taught me “you can’t argue with stupid”, so there is no sense in arguing with her, stop the conversation when that behavior starts and just let her know that you will not be entertaining it.. She won’t like it at first but she will eventually have no choice.   You defimtely dn’t want tha kind of poision being deposited into your children when they are born.

Post # 15
5663 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

anonymousbridetobe:  Woooooow!! I can’t even imagine. If this were me (after the wedding), I would absolutely limit my contact with her. I couldn’t be around anyone like that, family or not.

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