(Closed) FMIL says FI shouldn't marry me because of my illness

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
380 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry to hear that, that must hurt you both so much.

Your Fiance sounds like an amazing man, he obviously loves you. Unfortunately there is not much you can do, if she is determined to see things this way, other than break ties with her and that is going to be very difficult for your Fiance especially. Keep strong, I’m sorry I can’t offer any particularly helpful advice, perhaps some other bees have been in a similar situation and can help you.

Post # 4
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, but your Fiance sounds like and angel for sticking by your side.

Post # 5
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Singerk113:  Why don’t you ask her specifically what it is about your illness that makes Future Mother-In-Law so nervous. Tell her that she should not be afraid of your illnes. You are still a human being, after all.

Post # 6
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yes for the good of your heart stay far far away from that women. I understand her bringing up or cautioning her son. But clearly he has made his choice, second she doesn’t have any tact, her behavior is disgusting. I would limit your interactions with her and given her behavior I could see your fi probably wanting to do the same. Keep strong and healthy and think only about heath and wedding at this time. She will get what is coming to her!

Post # 8
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m sorry to hear this. I don’t support her stance at all, and I’m glad your fiance chose to propose and is planning to marry you. However, I don’t want to view her as a villain either. From her point of view you have a disease that could potentially cause you a premature death and cost money in treatment over time. She is only thinking of her son’s long term well being. Obviously this is not the correct outlook to have at this point. Plenty of people marry others with disabilities and diseases and love them just as much as those without, and there is nothing to be afraid of. Maybe it would help to educate her more on your condition and show how you can and will lead a long and happy life with her son. 

I hope that in time she can support your relationship, and that your fiance will continue to stick by you.

Post # 10
4150 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am so, so sorry that your FI’s mom says things like this.  I have a serious illness as well, and I also told Fiance I would understand if it was too much for him when I was diagnosed.  He and his family have been completely supportive and I cannot imagine if they made comments like that.  My advice would be to keep your distance from his mother because she sounds toxic.  I’m sorry you’re going through this.  Really, that’s such an awful thing for her to say.  Sending big hugs your way.

Post # 11
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

You know what? Any of us can die at any time.  I’m perfectly healthy now, but I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.  I could get cancer in 30 years.  I don’t think that makes my marriage a waste of time.  I believe that we should spend whatever time we have with the person we love.  Part of the marriage vow is to stick with that person in sickness and in health.  To me, it doesn’t matter if that sickness comes before or after the wedding.

Your Future Mother-In-Law is a cold hearted bitch and clearly doesn’t understand the point of marriage.  I hope her husband never gets sick. She’ll probably leave him.

Post # 12
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

In sickness and in health…

Some relationships break down over something like this, but your Fiance sounds like a wonderful man who is going to stick by you no matter what. I think your Future Mother-In-Law is speaking out of fear for what her son’s life could be like long term. IMO it sounds like she is ignorant of your condition.

My parents have stuck together for nearly 30 years, through my dad’s illnesses, two bouts of cancer, forced into early retirement because of chronic pain issues and financial strain. I think there was a time where my mum was constantly being told by others to walk away because my dad is “damaged”. She said she’d rather have him sick than not at all.

I personally couldn’t imagine walking away from someone just because they aren’t 100% healthy.

Hugs to you and Fiance.

Post # 13
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m so sorry to hear that. My Fiance was diagnosed with a chronic (but non-fatal) disease earlier this year, and my parents had a similar reaction — they were unsure about us getting married and kept “checking in” with me to make sure that I still wanted to marry him. My advice is to ask Fiance if the two of you can distance yourselves from his mother for a while. My parents didn’t really stop badgering me about it until I put my foot down (loudly and with a lot of tears!) to them. 

I’m sure that her opinion comes from her being afraid that her son will be hurt if you get really sick. Maybe he should tell her that, by her saying these things, she is hurting him more because she isn’t respecting his love for you.

Post # 15
1614 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

That makes me absolutely sick. How dare she suggest he leave you because of an illness. People blow my mind more and more everyday and I’m so so sorry you’re having to go through this. What if roles were reversed? What if her little boy was ill…I’m sure she would expect you to take care of him for the rest of his life. Thats a shame. What kind of guy would he be if he left you? Grrrr….I suggest you have a chat with her. If she catches a cold, be sure to give her husband the same advice she gave yours!

Post # 16
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m so sorry you’ve received that response from his mother; it’s really unfortunate how stigmatizing disability/chronic health problems can be. As someone with some serious disability issues, I felt nervous about how my FI’s friends and family would respond to him marrying someone who would always struggle with health issues. Hopefully, as he continues to emphasize how strong your relationship is and awesome you are, it will become clear to his mom that you are so much more than your diagnosis, if that makes sense.

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