(Closed) FMIL says grandkids need to be invited because they are HER flesh and blood

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

don’t invite the children. if you want to keep the peace you can offer to pay for a babysitter for the night

Post # 4
Member
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Every single one of us who has a no-kids reception ends up having this particular drama at one point or another. You are good company here. Darling Husband and I had a few people refuse to come to our wedding because they didn’t feel like leaving their middle-school age children for a day, which was their own choice, and so they missed a wonderful time. 

Those of us who stick to our original plan, regardless of who throws a fit or what they threaten as punishment, end up putting an end to the drama. It does end eventually, as the person or people who get nasty over this eventually realize they won’t win the fight and give up. The brides who make an exception, or cave to strong-willed FMILs or SILs or whoever, end up with proliferating drama, as now everything is a case by case basis, and the person who strong-armed you sometimes gets the idea they can start controlling other things as well. 

Take a deep breath and just keep repeating your policy. Don’t argue it, don’t defend it, just repeat it. Don’t let her lashing out at you get to you – it’s designed to get you to question yourself and cave. Weddings bring out the worst in some. Make sure that you and your Fiance present a united front on this, and then move on to the next subject.

Post # 5
Member
1402 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

To avoid future misunderstandings, would it be possible for you and your Fiance go in person to your SIL to explain the situation?  That way there won’t be any miscommunications, and no one else (FMIL) will be involved.

Post # 6
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

First of all you should explain to your Mother-In-Law that this isn’t your choice but something both you and Fi decided on and you kept your part of the agreement for your family and expect him to do the same. Tell her it’s her son choice and she should direct any questions or concerns to him.

Second, wait until you hear from the sister personally, Future Mother-In-Law may be attempting to manipulate you by saying she isn’t coming while they may not be the case. Mail out the invitations then let your Fi deal with his family so they don’t turn you into the bad guy. Good luck

Post # 7
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

I hate to say it but I sort of agree with your Future Mother-In-Law.  We also had a no kids reception but our two exceptions where DH’s brother’s son and my cousin because they are immediate family and to us it was unimagineable to exclude them.  That would be like excluding a sibling or our own child.  

We firmly held our ground on all other children however.  I think with controversial decisions like this that are likely to put some people out it’s important to have a gray area.  Not inviting a distant cousin’s kids or a friend’s kid is very different in my opinion than not inviting immediate family.  

Post # 8
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I feel for you. It really seems that you have been put in the middle here and I think your fiance needs to stand up for you with his family. By staying out of it, he is giving the impression that this is your call alone. It also seems like your Future Mother-In-Law is really manipulative.

You and your fiance have to decide if this issue if worth the fight with his family. For some people, having a wedding and reception with no children present is absolutely worth the negative opinions they undoubtedly face. For others, it isn’t. Children are not included on our invitations, with two exceptions- my niece and his god-daughter. That said, we are not going to get really upset if someone brings their child. To us, it just isn’t worth the fight. A wedding is a one day (although very memorable) event, while family and friendships are permanent.   

Good luck with this situation! It is a tough call and you run some risks either way. I hope it all works out for the best.  : )

Post # 9
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I take from your post that your venue is a boat, and I agree children really shouldn’t be there. You want your friends and family to be focused on you and having a good time – not running and tending to children all night. There is nothing wrong with that, and I’m really loving the fact that you said that stuff about your wedding not being a family reunion!

I think you just need to put your foot down and weather the storm.

Post # 10
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

You made the right decision.  Don’t let it bother you.  You are in no way “breaking up the family” because you are holding one event that you prefer not to have children at.  I do however think that Fiance needs to talk to his Mother and not have you end up looking like the bad guy.  It was rude of her to speak to you that way and to act like this was a decision that you made on your own.  Tell your Fiance that HE needs to speak to his Mother and let her know that you BOTH made this decision and are standing by it.

Best of luck to you!

 

Post # 11
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Msconfusedbride:  You are making the right decision. Children and babies do not need to be on boats. Stand your ground. Your Future Mother-In-Law seems to be using this situation to cause trouble for you for her benefit.

Have Fiance call his sister and explain to her the reasonsing. If she choooses not to come, so be it. Too many things could happen if little Johnny is left unsupervised for one minute.

Post # 12
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Your Future Mother-In-Law is behaving in a crazy and manipulative fashion.  That sucks.  What I would like to know is how your Fiance feels about all of this.  Is HE okay with his sister’s children attending?  Have you told family members on your side not to bring the kids?

@Sheepshead:  Yeah but how does her Fiance feel about the kids?!?  She might not be related to them but he is

Post # 13
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

Stick to your guns… everyone will get over it and when the day comes they will realize that keeping the kids at home was not a big deal.

Post # 14
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

First of all, your Fiance needs to go speak to his sister directly about this, what is with him getting his mommy involved and then allowing her to attack you?  But I agree with PPs, stand your ground.  A boat is no place for small children, I assume they won’t be able to leave early if they get tired, cranky, and start having a temper tantrum.  My niece & nephew were not invited to my wedding, and our family has remained intact!

Post # 15
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

@discodance:  I agree.

And at the end of the day it is only the choice of you two. I personally wouldn’t have this fight as they are the children of your sister in law but it is your choice. I do think that children shouldn’t be on a boat though. God forbid something should happen.

Post # 16
Member
7416 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yyou have your Fiance full support, leave it alone and carry on as you both have planned this event.

The topic ‘FMIL says grandkids need to be invited because they are HER flesh and blood’ is closed to new replies.

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