(Closed) FMIL says my family is tacky, but is the reason worth fighting?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll:
  • Post # 2
    967 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I don’t understand why she cares so much about what your family wears, tbh. I wouldn’t worry about it. 

    Post # 3
    3025 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

    It’s very tacky of her to tell you your family is tacky. What a bitch!

    I wouldn’t give it another thought. Seriously, how dare she!!!

    Post # 4
    2511 posts
    Sugar bee

    Bride2016:  Your Future Mother-In-Law was out of line and is acting like a snob. I’d say screw the symmetry and let your families wear what they feel is appropriate. (Unless of course the venue has a dress code of some kind).

    I’d want my family to be comfortable at my wedding, and if they had to wear a suit they’d never worn or something then they wouldn’t be comfortable and happy.

    Post # 6
    487 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Bride2016:  I agree you should just let families wear what they are going to wear.  However… if you want to try to keep the peace.  Maybe you could put “cocktail attire” or something on the invitation and leave it at that.  If you family still wears jeans and button downs (as that is what they feel cocktail attire is) than you “tried” so to speak.  I wouldn’t go out of your way asking your family to be something they are not. 

    Post # 7
    6529 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Bride2016:  I disagree with how she said it. Let me explain as I don’t want to upset anyone, especially you. 

    I think if your Future Mother-In-Law would have said something along the lines of ‘its a wedding, its a formal affair, I just think it would be nice for everyone to have a reason to get dressed up!’ 

    Not all weddings are formal though! But you said your wedding will be in a historic garden house-to me thats not nice jeans and cowboy boots appropriate. If you were having your wedding in a farmhouse or barn-sure! I would say semi-formal attire is appropriate for your event, but you know your family, so you do whatever you need to do to avoid drama. If your Future Mother-In-Law won’t let up about it-tell your Fiance to handle her because in the end its really none of her business what anyone wears. SHe should not judge people on that. 


    Post # 8
    173 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    It sounds pathetic and snobby to me, but as you said that may be the way she was brought up so she isn’t entirely to blame for her view.

    On that same note you can’t blame your family for their view of how to dress at a wedding, and what is dressy enough.

    Personally, I think your gut feeling was right, and that this probably isn’t worth a potential fight with either side of the family.

    You could give out a dress code, with some clear do’s and dont’s? But that’s a bit of effort, and frankly, I think some people will just wear whatever they want anyway.

    Post # 9
    9782 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    She sounds snotty BUT I will say showing up to a wedding in jeans is a hugely rude faux pas in my circle as well. And my fam is not ultra blueblood or anything.

    I would go at it both ways: get her to pipe down and relax her expectations, and tell your family via word of mouth to atleast spring for khakis.

    Post # 10
    9782 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    also: after you do the above, I would officially stop worrying about it and tell Future Mother-In-Law to do the same. Tell her the word is out and you will not be policing peoples wardrobes. If she keeps insulting your family I would get firm,

    “fmil Id appreciate it if you would stop insulting my family and we changed the topic. We will be married whether there are blue jeans in the crowd or not, and that is all that matters…. How about that weather? Isnt it lovely?”

    Post # 11
    1246 posts
    Bumble bee

    If you dont care, then I dont see why she would although I’m sure it’s more about her pride among her friends/family that will be attending and how it will reflect on her than the fact that anyone would actually show up ‘inappropriately’ dressed in her eyes.

    I knew that some of my family would end up wearing their best khaki’s while my father’s side would be in sharp suits so I had my mom spread the word that it was formal. And the invitation noted: ‘Formal REception’ to follow and I just hoped for the best… I don’t know if that’s an option for you.

    Post # 13
    1248 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

    What does you Fiance want? Does he expect it to be a black-tie affair like his sister’s or is he more comfortable with the casual attire? His opinion would be more important to me than his mother’s.

    Post # 15
    1229 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Bride2016:  OK, you make these people sound they come from a different super-fancy-black-tie-country-club planet and are etiquette experts…..but my brother is a doctor and I’m an engineer and we are NOT fancy people nor are we rolling in money and some sort of Waspy definition of “class”.  And I don’t think living in New York gives you superior claim to fanciness.  I’m really at a loss why your Future Mother-In-Law seems to feel like she is some arbiter of taste and why you, as a grown up woman of common sense, would need to differ to her sense of propriety.  I’m sorry if I’m overreaching and assuming overly harsh things about her, but I feel a little outrage that she has somehow presented herself as superior to your family.  Somebody with a true sense of etiquette would never have called your family “tacky” to your face.          

    “They will be wearing suits, dresses, or at least very nice dress clothes.”  That isn’t a super fancy dress code and it most definitely not black-tie.  If you’re ok with your family wearing blue jeans and cowboy boots, they will not look worse than your FI’s family, they will simply look different.  If you want a more cohesive look, it’s not too much to ask your family to go to the nearest Target and buy 20$ khakis, 10$ ties, and 30$ cocktail dresses.  Whatever you decide will absolutely be in line with “etiquette”.   

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