(Closed) FMIL — Says she wants to help plan, then goes silent

posted 7 years ago in Family
  • poll: What's going on here?
    She really will get everthing done that she's promised she will : (1 votes)
    10 %
    Just go around her and do it all yourself, possibly upsetting her and FI : (6 votes)
    60 %
    Other? Comment Below! : (3 votes)
    30 %
  • Post # 3
    533 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Yikes – I feel for you!!!

    If I were you I would first have a talk with the Groom, just bringing up the “concerns”, and mention that you might need to sit down with his Mother to work out a timeline and address the issue of things getting down.  When you do have a talk with the Mother-In-Law maybe have a timeline of when YOU would like things to get done, that way if things “don’t work out” you will still have a little bit of time to find a replacement….or arrange it yourself.  I would also start to CC the groom on any future e-mails to the Mother-In-Law just so he knows what is going on as well, and hopefully he will also notice a pattern of things not getting done.

    Otherwise…if all else fails…..I would just do it myself.  The wedding will be a reflection of you and the groom, not the Mother-In-Law, no matter how it turns out!  All the best!!!

    Post # 4
    3265 posts
    Sugar bee

    Give her a deadline.  Like I’d like to get a photographer booked by Monday April 25th, so if I don’t hear from you by then I will go ahead and book someone else. 

    Then you give her the option of helping, but within your timeline.

    She will have no one to blame but herself if she doesn’t meet the deadline.

    Post # 5
    2233 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Have you asked her what she wants to help with or just given her tasks? Sometimes the things that people are tasked with are not necessarily what they want to do so they might see it as a chore. Her idea of helping you might be different than what you expect as well, so just talk to her to make sure you are both on the same page about expectations. 

    Post # 6
    1668 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I can totally relate! My Future Mother-In-Law does the same thing, but with money. When we first got engaged, she promised that she would pay for half and would give us X amount by a certain date so we have the money and don’t need to keep coming to her. That never happened. Then she promised she would give us $5,000.00 for the wedding by a certain date, that never happened. Now my parents and I are planning on paying for everything ourselves and anything she would happen to give will just be extra for something we maybe wouldn’t have gotten.

    Anyway! If I were you, I’d plan on doing those tasks yourself, and if she would happen to do it, then it’s bonus. It sounds like she just likes the idea of helping plan the wedding.

    Post # 8
    762 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Sorry to hear about that. My Future Mother-In-Law is playing a similar game. She acts like she wants to help or be included in certain things, but then goes completely silent. For instance, my mom will be planning my bridal shower. I have only 2 BM’s (sister who is the Maid/Matron of Honor and Best friend) and they are both Out of Town, so it is unlikely that they will fly in for my shower (and that’s totally fine with me). My Future Mother-In-Law was dropping hints that she wanted to help my mom plan my shower, so my mom reached out to my Future Mother-In-Law and apparently they had a nice discussion about my shower. My mom figured that Future Mother-In-Law was on-board. I am sure etiquette rules are being broken here, but my mom thought she would contribute and pay for some things for the shower since she wanted to take part in the planning. However, she hasn’t offered to pay for anything, but then started to tell my mom what she should have as far as food goes, etc, and kinda has taken a back seat to it all. Well, my mom didn’t appreciate being told what to servce etc, and now has pretty much cut Future Mother-In-Law out of the planning process (Without her knowing, UGH!). My mom told me she felt a little overwhelmed because she wasn’t sure where to begin, so she contacted my sister who lives in another state who was able to step in and help my mom out with a lot of things. So, from what I am being told,  the shower is pretty much under control, and that’s all I know. My Future Mother-In-Law also said she wanted to pay for the flowers and the Rehearsal Dinner, but I am not counting on her yet. Luckily we have enough money in our budget to cover that if need be.

    All I can tell you is don’t expect anything from anyone. Plan accordingly so that if something comes up where people can’t help out paying for things or take on responsibility of certain tasks, you won’t have a set back. If I were you I would talk to your Fiance about possibly rearranging some of the tasks. Your wedding is important and you need to follow your timeline. I think things concerning booking vendors should be handled by you and your Fiance, smaller tasks can be given out to your Future Mother-In-Law.  Good Luck, I hope it everything works itself out.

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