(Closed) FMIL: Stop asking us for money!

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Dude, did she miss the memo about you having 120K in veterinary school loans to pay off first?!?!?

My mind boggles at parents asking for gross amounts of money from their children. It totally sucks and puts you and your Fiance in a very awkward position. You’re doing all you can do. Wash your hands of it, tell her that’s ALL she gets. She has to dig herself out. Which, it sounds like she may never =. By the time you’re a grown adult and managed to raise children, you should at least be financially savvy. I always admire my Mother-In-Law for the way she handled money. Yeah they were broke ass poor and grew up in a trailer park and she only works as a receptionist but it’s amazing what being smart about your money can do for you, no matter how little it is.

Post # 4
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m so sorry you are dealing with that.  It sounds to be like they have made their bed and they have to lie in it.  I’m sorry that your Future Father-In-Law has a brain injury but his wife is being irresponsible with money and should NOT be asking her children to forgo their future dreams and give her money to pay off her debts.

Post # 5
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

250,000?  yesh!!!  what does your Fiance do for a living??  why would his parents think he was in the position to gift them tens thousands of dollars? NERVE!!

I dont really have any advice.  by giving them money, youre just enabling them.  how do you really know that the 2700 will go to a credit card and not another shopping spree.  if you decide to give them the cash, i suggest you write the check directly to the bank.  and i agree with the condition that they not call you again for any money until this 2700 is paid back.

i guess my bigger concern is that this is a regular occurance for the rest of their lives.  set boundaries ASAP and make sure Fiance and you are in agreement as to how much cash youre going to bleed out for his parents.

BEST OF LUCK!!

Post # 7
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Um…you can’t really put a stipulation on her, only on your FH.  I think it’s a HUGE mistake to give her ANY money AT ALL.  She’s just going to ask for more later.

These are THEIR debts to pay, and they should just declare bankruptcy.  It’s too bad she has poorly managed her own finances, but honestly by giving her the money, she is just going to ask for MORE in the future.  Your Fiance is stressed out about it, so it’s not like he’s very happy to oblige her.  I would discuss giving a MUCH smaller sum and telling her that is ALL you are willing to help with ($500).  She shouldn’t push her burdens off on her children!!

Post # 8
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ugh, this is totally my nightmare with my Future In-Laws. Hasn’t happened yet, but….

IMO, family should help family. But there have to be limits. Before you enable them to continue living this way, you guys need to consider some thing.

– Are you just delaying the inevitable bankruptcy? If so, they may be better off filing sooner than later.

– Do they have any plan for the future? Is there any light at the end of the tunnel?

– How much is the house paid off?

I think your obligation to family is to keep them fed, sheltered, and healthy to the best of your ability. But you can’t solve their problems, and you may not want to be a part of just delaying the inevitable.

Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think you’ve worked out fair solution, although I’m sure it doesn’t take away from the stress of the situation. The best you can do is let her know that YOU need the money and IF you have any to spare then you will try and help her. I don’t think it’s fair that she’s asking for so much, and I think it’s pretty horrible to threaten to leave her husband otherwise… it sounds like some kind of hostage situation!

An aunt of ours tried to guilt my mother once into giving her money by saying that my sister isn’t doing anything worthwhile in college (our parents set aside money for me and my sisters to go to college). My sister did take longer than average to finish but that was none of my aunt’s damned business! It makes me mad when people feel the need to give financial advice where it’s not asked.

When it comes to family, money is a tricky thing. You have to be ready never to see it again if you “loan” it out, and you have to be careful giving so often otherwise they start depending on it.

Good luck…

Post # 12
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would NEVER give her the money.  You should NOT be responsible for PARENTS’ irresponsible spending!  You two are just STARTING OUT…how are you supposed to do that while giving your money away?  This makes me so mad for you!  I am so sorry!  Whatever you do – stand your ground!  Do NOT let her think that loaning her money is going to happen whenever she needs it – you do NOT want to become a doormat, or made to feel guilty, ever!  Set boundaries NOW, because it can only get worse if you don’t!!!

Post # 13
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Given the situation, I wouldn’t give them anything.  I can guarantee they will ask for more soon.  And if you gave once, it is going to just get worse.

Post # 14
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@ redherring: Dude, those were all really smart, responsible offers. Don’t send them money. They don’t want a solution, they want to avoid their problems.

Post # 15
Member
1585 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.  Now the Lawyers Daughter part comes out of me… do not give her a cent until she signs a contract with you saying that she will repay you. 

I would definately make sure that she knows that this behavior is unnacceptable and that she cannot call you to ask for anyting until she pays off her new debt to you.  

I would also call the credit card company with her and make sure that it is the credit card company has really said that she will have reduced debt if she pays off the $2700 by Thursday.  That way you know that she is not lying and I would pay the credit card company directly and not give the money to his mother.  She may be using it for other things.

Sorry this sounds a little harsh.  If I was in your situation I would not give her anything at all.

Post # 16
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I could understand if parents need money for an unexpected occurence or illness; then that would be fine and I’ll be more than willing to be there for them financially. But if Future Mother-In-Law is not responsible and blows money left and right when they don’t have it I almost lean towards not giving them the money. This one time has to be very clear that no other “loans” will be given out. Sorry, tough situation!

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